Well, this is a shame. All my ranting has resulted in yet another person turning away from me, literally. I mean, I'm not over dramatizing this, someone has made it explicitly clear that I'm too much of a handful to deal with, and that as a result they don't want to communicate with me any further. The saddest part about the whole situation is that I can't really blame them. I am a huge handful if you get to know me beyond even the thinnest surface level, and I can be excessively negative a great deal of the time. Much of the time I like to think the good outweighs the bad, but I know as well as anyone that a little bad goes a long way, and lately it's starting to seem that it's just too much for the people in my life.
The ones who aren't confounded by my attitude seem to be, rather, by my lack of direction. Or rather, lack of a direction that makes any sense to them. Most of my friends, like most of the world, are completely satisfied to develop ordinary relationships and take jobs that they can turn into careers, leading towards their getting married, settling down, raising a family, and that's wonderful, and I admire that quality in most people, but it's stifling to me and not something I'm necessarily interested in. I'm not opposed to marriage, and I'm not opposed to having children, but it isn't part of the plan, the way it is with most people, it seems.
Sadly, the world isn't really built for people like me. The things that make sense to me are symbols, and stories, and permutations of mood and mentality and atmosphere.
To be honest, I find it hard to articulate, and that's a difficult thing for me, as a writer and a storyteller, to say. I just wrote the beginnings of four or five sentences, went back, and erased the lot of them. I can't put my finger on it, can't point it out to others that don't already understand. I feel like there's something just on the edge of my periphery, but every time I try to look right at it, it shimmers and disappears. A little heavy-handed maybe, but it's like my destination is a mirage, and so I just keep walking, and trying to enjoy the journey, which, lately, has been difficult.
The ones who aren't confounded by my attitude seem to be, rather, by my lack of direction. Or rather, lack of a direction that makes any sense to them. Most of my friends, like most of the world, are completely satisfied to develop ordinary relationships and take jobs that they can turn into careers, leading towards their getting married, settling down, raising a family, and that's wonderful, and I admire that quality in most people, but it's stifling to me and not something I'm necessarily interested in. I'm not opposed to marriage, and I'm not opposed to having children, but it isn't part of the plan, the way it is with most people, it seems.
Sadly, the world isn't really built for people like me. The things that make sense to me are symbols, and stories, and permutations of mood and mentality and atmosphere.
To be honest, I find it hard to articulate, and that's a difficult thing for me, as a writer and a storyteller, to say. I just wrote the beginnings of four or five sentences, went back, and erased the lot of them. I can't put my finger on it, can't point it out to others that don't already understand. I feel like there's something just on the edge of my periphery, but every time I try to look right at it, it shimmers and disappears. A little heavy-handed maybe, but it's like my destination is a mirage, and so I just keep walking, and trying to enjoy the journey, which, lately, has been difficult.
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issue_:
Happy holidays! 
niobe:
Happy Holidays! 