razorshimmy

I managed to get a glimpse today of the thing I've been looking for since I realized it might exist: both the big idea that makes sense of everything I've been trying to do for a lot of my life, and the part I can potentially play to serve it. Everything that's tugged at my interest in recent memory was trying to hint at the...
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I woke up earlier, passed out on some concrete stairs in an alleyway about four blocks from my apartment. There was a bottle of wine next to me. It's possible I may not be getting better.

I'm bracing for the shiver
string me in your quiver
aim me for the skyline
but shoot me in the river

Been away for quite some time, been very very busy, all that important business that it's very very important to catch up all the (you) folks on.
Getting paid. (Infrequently) Getting laid. Getting (occasionally) frustrated. Getting in over my head. Getting nicotine poisoning.
Apparently a bowl of hookah tobacco is worth, like, ten cigarettes or something. As person who's never had a drag off of...
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And my eyes stick
To all those shiny robes
you wear on a trip to the Gaza strip
in an abandoned houseboat
you will wait there
I'll be waitin' forever
I'm waitin
waitin
waitin
waitin
waitin
waitin
waitin
waitin
oh

That point you get to, in media, where you feel like someone has gouged out your eyes. Where you're supposed to rely on all those...
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Weeeell, tonight was the big premier I've been hyping for months now. That's I've been excited for all day! Oh man, this is so super cool! I'm glad it went so well!
...
Wait, what? Oh, I'm still pissed off? Oh, yes, right, I am still pissed off. Never mind.

So there was a young man, who never had much luck. He lost out in the career he tried to build, the women he tried to woo, the friends he tried to make. It wasn't that he didn't get work, or meet girls, or make friends. Just that none of those things were as meaningful or powerful as he had always hoped they might be....
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Been a while since I had a full-on, legitimate panic attack, and now I've had three in one week. What a fucking time.
Still pretty despondent. Have no idea what to do. Feel hopeless, lost, confused, etc.
How pedestrian.

Alright, new apartment, new internet connection, whole new game. Far as I can tell, I'm back, and shouldn't be going anywhere for quite a while.

Welp, done housesitting. Probably won't be back on the site till my wireless in my apartment gets fixed, but that should, hopefully, be soon.