Tuesday Aug 05, 2003

0
i jumped in a river and it seemed like i would be alright for a moment, but it was a river i had been to before and i believed a lie there that chokes me cold in the middle of the night to this day, you can hate a person for lying about the most important thing you ever believed in but what do you do with that empty space that was left behind??? filling it with booze and drugs doesn't work, a lot of sex hasn't filled it, traveling the world, embracing combat, giving life a chance...none of it has filled that space left behind....solitude keeps it lonley and sad, but that is what happens to me also...suicide seems so expected....i need to find the undiscovered beauty in life before i run out of world to search....i need kill your god instead of mine...i need to fuck your demons til they scream out for forgiveness....
grendel_kin:
i once read, and now believe, that suffering comes from our ability as rational beings to avoid dealing with the necessary pain of a situation. i don't know you or your story, my friend...or if this entry is for real, but the above is what i thought as i read your journal. if you know combat, or embraced combat rather, then you know the best thing about a fight is getting hit...the shock of life/pain and the knowing that it will fade, followed by the thrill of hitting back....harder. is there any real difference with the jolt of emotional pain? or the sequence that follows?

.....i don't know, man, here's to wishing you a good day. just wandering thru, and thought i'd drop a few words.
kudra:
Ugh. Fuck that empty space. You have to try and find good things to fill it back up with that are already in you. I know you have them.
I miss our talks as well, then read that. I wonder how you are doing. Have you got the few emails i have sent??? Why don't you send me an email on your phone thingie.

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