my mom once told me "quitters never win."
she was full of shit.
the trick is knowing when, how, and what (or who) to quit.
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i tend to rag on my sister for being twenty and engaged and having only slept with two boys in her entire life. but really, she's happy and i'm not. i drink alot and i have "fuck buddies" and i have a best friend who tells me i should keep sleeping with someone "for the indie rock cache alone."
my parents have been married for twenty four years but don't seem particularly happy. they both had first marriages that they refer to as "starter marriages." almost all my friends' parents are divorced. the most terrifying story is that of my college suitemate emily's parents: they were married, fairly happily (she and her mom claim) for twenty years. her dad gets a new 27 year old secretary. starts working late, then moves out. two years later, marries the secretary, and has a kid with her. that story makes me want to join a convent.
analytically, i can talk for hours about how the "cinderalla myth" damages young women. about how fairy tales set up unrealistic expectations about "happily ever after" and "together forever." i can say "i don't want to get married, because i don't believe in the church, and i don't believe in the state, and i don't feel the need to have my relationships legitimized by either body." but when i meet someone, and i fall for them, i picture bratty, smart kids, and picnics on the leafy grounds of whatever university i happen to be a professor at, and trips to the south of france....and it's painful, because these things never happen. and when a relationship dies, all those dreams die with it.
i have a very strong urge to go back to my ex boyfriend. i know he loves me. i love him, too, but my love has been tainted by all the pain he has caused me. i think what we can can be saved, but i don't know if it is worth saving.
i was in bed with someone a few weeks ago, and paradoxically i felt more alone then i ever have before.
she was full of shit.
the trick is knowing when, how, and what (or who) to quit.
-------------------------------
i tend to rag on my sister for being twenty and engaged and having only slept with two boys in her entire life. but really, she's happy and i'm not. i drink alot and i have "fuck buddies" and i have a best friend who tells me i should keep sleeping with someone "for the indie rock cache alone."
my parents have been married for twenty four years but don't seem particularly happy. they both had first marriages that they refer to as "starter marriages." almost all my friends' parents are divorced. the most terrifying story is that of my college suitemate emily's parents: they were married, fairly happily (she and her mom claim) for twenty years. her dad gets a new 27 year old secretary. starts working late, then moves out. two years later, marries the secretary, and has a kid with her. that story makes me want to join a convent.
analytically, i can talk for hours about how the "cinderalla myth" damages young women. about how fairy tales set up unrealistic expectations about "happily ever after" and "together forever." i can say "i don't want to get married, because i don't believe in the church, and i don't believe in the state, and i don't feel the need to have my relationships legitimized by either body." but when i meet someone, and i fall for them, i picture bratty, smart kids, and picnics on the leafy grounds of whatever university i happen to be a professor at, and trips to the south of france....and it's painful, because these things never happen. and when a relationship dies, all those dreams die with it.
i have a very strong urge to go back to my ex boyfriend. i know he loves me. i love him, too, but my love has been tainted by all the pain he has caused me. i think what we can can be saved, but i don't know if it is worth saving.
i was in bed with someone a few weeks ago, and paradoxically i felt more alone then i ever have before.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
I read what you wrote in Scooter11's journal, and I think I fall into that trap too. I come off as the tough girl who goes and gets what she wants, but really I care about people more than I should, and I freeze and can't handle things when they are really what I want. I can get phone numbers and drinks from every guy in the bar except the one that I really want....