So, with all that out of the way, the question ever-present after major changes rears its ugly head: what next? I'm really not sure where to go to be honest. I find myself in a very strange place, emotionally. My trust and control issues feel as if they have been amplified, and I don't know what to do with that. Let them be? They are wonderful safety mechanisms. Try to deal with them? I really, really, don't like mental health professionals. It's that I doubt the quality of their profession, I just don't want to be the nameless topic of their home dinner table conversation. You really can't trust anyone, and life proves this quite well over and over and over again.
I don't think they're impacting me negatively. I'm nice (I think, and I haven't seen those in my general surroundings recoil from me, with a few exceptions but those can be traced to other more specific causes) to people around me. I just choose not to share anything remotely private or intimate about myself. People say talking helps, but really it just stresses me the hell out. In a way, this is a nice outlet. You don't know who I am. I could be your boss, your lover (OK, that's just wishful thinking, and more on that later), the hobo down the street with a stolen laptop jacked into someone's open WiFi network...so this feels safe. Even if you wanted to violate my trust or go on an excursion of pillage and plundering of my privacy with the information here, there's no way to tie it back to me. So that's good. Control issues? Well, I refuse to enter into relationships or put myself into situations (when given a choice obviously, sometimes you just have to suck it up, try to keep calm, and carry on) where I feel someone else is pulling the proverbial strings. So really, why deal with them? They're there for a reason. If people weren't always acting in their own self-interest and ignorant of others, it would be easier to trust them, but how can you? They have the ultimate motivation to abuse and misuse any kind of trust you give them: their own gain, as opportunities for it present themselves. It's not that I think they're bad, I just think we're all mostly programmed in a certain way. I'd like to believe that people are nice. But in the end, they win over you every time a decision has to be made. At least in the extreme majority, based on what I've seen. Not being one to call into doubt solid empirical evidence, It's just safer to go with that.
It's hard. There are days I feel like damaged goods, incompatible with the general social aspect of life. I fake it pretty damn well, but I feel tired and not at all good. This is new...ish, however I do strongly suspect that it is here to stay, at least for a while. This is no one-night motel quickstop. This is one of those annoying Florida vacation home timeshares with no end in sight, because the in-laws just insist that you stay and enjoy some more of Auntie Mae's key lime pie that no one has the courage to describe for the extremely unappealing pile of goop that it really is. Groovy.
What to do...what to do...the status quo I don't like. I feel lonely at times, and I feel very anxious at other times because of the ingrained idea that this is not OK. But after the extreme kick in the back that is the only person you've had the courage to be completely open with and to give yourself to completely kicks you to the curb, the appeal or want of any such relationship is minimal, and the feelings of hurt clash very badly and over-ride any general desire for company.
I really don't feel like fighting my instincts. That's wrong - they're there to keep you alive and going. Maybe its better to work on being OK with being alone. I mean...why do I really need people? This is an interesting question, one that bears pondering among all the other great dilemmas of life. What if it's that easy? Reject the norm and embrace one as one's own and total best company. What's that annoying side of brain? A retort? What's that? If it's so great, why isn't it a prevalent social idea? Well, if someone does it successfully, how the heck would you know? They wouldn't advertise - it invites attention and completely counteracts the initial mission, or goal if you prefer. Second, society wouldn't like it to be a mainstream lifestyle choice. Think of how much useless crap people wouldn't buy and how many overpriced establishments they wouldn't frequent anywhere near as often. It would be the slap in the face to the kick in the balls that was the sub-prime mortgage crisis and ensuing financial meltdown. But really, that's not a very good reason not to try.
Something to think about. Erase. Rewind. Start again, by self.
I don't think they're impacting me negatively. I'm nice (I think, and I haven't seen those in my general surroundings recoil from me, with a few exceptions but those can be traced to other more specific causes) to people around me. I just choose not to share anything remotely private or intimate about myself. People say talking helps, but really it just stresses me the hell out. In a way, this is a nice outlet. You don't know who I am. I could be your boss, your lover (OK, that's just wishful thinking, and more on that later), the hobo down the street with a stolen laptop jacked into someone's open WiFi network...so this feels safe. Even if you wanted to violate my trust or go on an excursion of pillage and plundering of my privacy with the information here, there's no way to tie it back to me. So that's good. Control issues? Well, I refuse to enter into relationships or put myself into situations (when given a choice obviously, sometimes you just have to suck it up, try to keep calm, and carry on) where I feel someone else is pulling the proverbial strings. So really, why deal with them? They're there for a reason. If people weren't always acting in their own self-interest and ignorant of others, it would be easier to trust them, but how can you? They have the ultimate motivation to abuse and misuse any kind of trust you give them: their own gain, as opportunities for it present themselves. It's not that I think they're bad, I just think we're all mostly programmed in a certain way. I'd like to believe that people are nice. But in the end, they win over you every time a decision has to be made. At least in the extreme majority, based on what I've seen. Not being one to call into doubt solid empirical evidence, It's just safer to go with that.
It's hard. There are days I feel like damaged goods, incompatible with the general social aspect of life. I fake it pretty damn well, but I feel tired and not at all good. This is new...ish, however I do strongly suspect that it is here to stay, at least for a while. This is no one-night motel quickstop. This is one of those annoying Florida vacation home timeshares with no end in sight, because the in-laws just insist that you stay and enjoy some more of Auntie Mae's key lime pie that no one has the courage to describe for the extremely unappealing pile of goop that it really is. Groovy.
What to do...what to do...the status quo I don't like. I feel lonely at times, and I feel very anxious at other times because of the ingrained idea that this is not OK. But after the extreme kick in the back that is the only person you've had the courage to be completely open with and to give yourself to completely kicks you to the curb, the appeal or want of any such relationship is minimal, and the feelings of hurt clash very badly and over-ride any general desire for company.
I really don't feel like fighting my instincts. That's wrong - they're there to keep you alive and going. Maybe its better to work on being OK with being alone. I mean...why do I really need people? This is an interesting question, one that bears pondering among all the other great dilemmas of life. What if it's that easy? Reject the norm and embrace one as one's own and total best company. What's that annoying side of brain? A retort? What's that? If it's so great, why isn't it a prevalent social idea? Well, if someone does it successfully, how the heck would you know? They wouldn't advertise - it invites attention and completely counteracts the initial mission, or goal if you prefer. Second, society wouldn't like it to be a mainstream lifestyle choice. Think of how much useless crap people wouldn't buy and how many overpriced establishments they wouldn't frequent anywhere near as often. It would be the slap in the face to the kick in the balls that was the sub-prime mortgage crisis and ensuing financial meltdown. But really, that's not a very good reason not to try.
Something to think about. Erase. Rewind. Start again, by self.