ravenspearl

wow... this morning is one of the bad ones. Nothing really bad has happened, in fact I had a lot of fun with some friends last night playing games. However I knew this was coming for a few weeks now.

I never thought I would be the one likely to be prone to bouts of irrational depression. They don't last long, but I always know they are coming. I know they really aren't like the textbook definition of depression, but I really can't think of times I feel more low.

You wanna know the reasion why? One word.... city.

I hate living in the fucking city. I can't stand it. It seems that if I don't get out to the farm or someplace natural at least every two months, I start to go loopy. I seriously believe that if I had to spend my entire life in this fucking collection of humans, it wouldn't be a life worth living.

Growing up I used to fall asleep to frogs, cyotes, thunderstorms or nothing but silence. A vehicle going by the yard was something rare enough everyone stopped what they were doing and looked to see if we could recognize which one of the neighbours it was. If more than three cars went by in a day, it was heavy traffic. (fuck... just typing this out is making me bawl my eyes out)

Where i live now its even more rare to have thirty seconds without a car going by outside. I have no yard... I have a fucking BALCONY on 8th street!! I gotten used to the sounds of traffic... something I would have never imagined possible... and it makes me sick! Everywhere I look there are people, even the parks are artificial.

I"m going home next weekend, and I can't wait. The only thing I don't like about going home is the fact I cry every time I leave because I just don't want to go back to the city.

Honestly, if I had realized just how much city life is sucking the life out of me, I don't know if I ever would have left the farm. I don't think anyone realizes just how much I miss it sometimes. Right now I would give practically anything to be back there.

I miss the animals and all the space. I miss the nearest neighbours being over a mile away. I miss being surrounded by trees. I miss watching the sheep lamb and then watching the lambs play. I miss my cat. I miss my llama. I miss having no traffic. I miss gravel roads. I miss the sloughs. I miss catching frogs. I miss the gravel pit. I miss fresh veggies from the garden. I miss hearing the coyotes howl and the owls call. I miss ducks. I miss my dog. I miss silence. I miss solitude. I miss climbing the trees. I miss leaving my vehicle unlocked. I miss seeing the stars at night. I miss manure. I miss the smell of freshly cut hay. I miss tractors.

Goddess I miss it so much... and its killing me.