ravensfeather

I just feel so fucking lost lately...i feel as if i am on this downward spiral that i have sucessfully drug myself out on for years and its just too fucking much. I am lacking in creativity, exspression, and even basic social interation skills, all things that i once was okay with...when people or things get close to me, or seem to be doing good i think i subconsciously tell myself that i am not good enough, or do dont deserve it, and push them or it away...i realized that i havent even done a ritual on the any of the sabbats for over a year now, and for me, wiccanism, paganism, the occult, and spiritualism really brought me out of my shell and made me a better person, and i could feel the life force all around me, i felt so close and conneted to the earth mother in all her light and darkness and it channeled through me, illuminated me, made me whole...and i have been slipping away from that, even the little things that i felt were important to me, like daily devotionals (basicly just prayer at certian times, like before bed) i havent been doing...i have this nice apt and i dont clean up after my fucking self, the kitchen is a wreck, i am always out of clean laundry because i dont do it, even though i have a fucking washer and dryer in the apt...i just feel so fucking lost, like ive dug myself so fucking deep that i dont know how the hell im going to get the fuck out of here...at least my anxiety is getting better, because i dont know if i could handle panic every five seconds anymore....i dont know, i just need to kick myself in the ass and fucking do something about it....im at a loss

ps...sorry for the fucking obnoxious bitching i just wrote...i just needed to get that out