another old piece I just recently came across. I'd been drinking a beer & reading coverage in USA Today of a golf tournament & was struck by a few passages in the description of the course that seemed almost poetic. by the third beer I'd pretty much had this written & then promptly forgot about, but it ain't bad, if I do say so myself.
TIGER AT THE MASTERS
by C.G. Jung
(Special to USA Today, with additional reporting by
S. "Skippy" Freud & J. Campbell)
Hole by Hole
No. 1, "Tea Olive"
Par 4, 410 yards
(2nd most difficult)
A slight dogleg right with a yawning bunker a
257-yard carry from the tee. Drives to the left may
catch the trees. The hole plays uphill. Tiger will
most likely start off with a low wood, after emerging
from the darkness of the clubhouse, groping towards
consciousness.
No. 2, "Pink Dogwood"
Par 5, 575 yards, 2000 average: 4.841 (16)
A dogleg left that may be reachable in two. Large,
deep greenside bunkers take special attention on the
second shot. Here a middle iron will probably used,
perhaps the 5, which Tiger has showed entirely too
much reliance upon. He will have to surrender it, if
he wishes to continue.
No. 3, "Flowering Peach"
Par 4, 350 yards
A classic short par 4. Golfers attempt to hit short
of the four fairway bunkers, resulting in a full club
to the green where it is better to be long than short.
The best strategy will be to hug the far side of the
fairway. In a tight, close embrace.
No. 4, "Flowering Crab Apple"
Par 3, 205 yards
A long par 3 requiring a long iron & is often made
difficult by deceptive wind. Two greenside bunkers,
front right & along the left side, guard this green
that slopes to the front. Fearsome, these bunkers.
His first impulse may be to either use a low wood, or
else run far, far away, back to the warmth & comfort
of the clubhouse.
No. 5 "Magnolia"
Par 4, 435 yards
An uphill, dogleg left hole with a sloping green.
Golfers favor hitting tee shots left, enabling a
shorter second shot, but short of the ideal drive are
two fairway bunkers. The green slopes down to the
front, & a back bunker catches balls hit too long. It
is at this hole that Tiger has recieved coaching from
his father, Edward, whom Tiger may wish to kill, were
here not so many people watching. So many eyes.
Temporary, hysterical blindness may be expected, as
well as utilization of a low wood to tee off,
switching to that damned 5 iron, but just for this one
hole.
No. 6, "Juniper"
Par 3, 180 yards
An elevated tee & large target are characteristics
of this par 3. A significant difference in elevation
from front to back makes makes the pin position very
important. It would bode Tiger well to remember that
the Juniper is a revered symbol of renewal in many
primitive Nature cults, including some Asiatic sects,
where the Tiger is viewed as a vigorous, primal force.
A small sacrifice of fire & precious oil may produce
the necessary mental state to "mount" this "hole".
No. 7, "Pampas"
Par 4, 365 yards
The first shot on this hole is often played to the
left center of the fairway into a slight upslope. It
is important to avoid the 3 bunkers in front of the
green & the two behind. This hole has been called "The
Awakening" by Ben Hogan, who has been quoted as saying
that it is here that one realizes that one is not just
one man, playing one hole, but one of many, playing
many holes. Grasping this, he suffered a "stroke."
No. 8, "Yellow Jasmine"
Par 5, 550 yards
A birdie hole for long hitters who drive the ball
past or over the fairway bunker on the right side.
This uphill hole features trouble left of the green.
The Jasmine has been the royal symbol of many Asatic
Dynastys, including several emperors who encouraged
their generals to eat raw tiger meat before battle in
order to absorb the strength of the brute. This would
bode well for our young warrior, although conventional
wisdom suggests he will have a light snack of tuna
fish on white bread washed down with some sort of
sports drink.
No. 9, "Carolina Cherry"
Par 4, 430 yards
Best known for its green that slopes back to front.
The tee shot is often hit down the right side hoping
to take away the two greenside bunkers on the left on
the second shot to the green. No. 8 conquered, he may
feel that he is invincible, &, inflated with
self-worth & perhaps a touch of neccessary arrogance,
this hole will present no challenge. Head held high,
fist pumping in the air, he will seem blissfully
unaware of the inevitable downfall that seasoned
golfers know all too well.
No. 10 "Camellia"
Par 4, 485 yards
This hole plays downhill. Players will try to drive
the ball to left or center of the fairway, hitting a
second shot into a green that slopes right to left.
Before 1935 this was the first hole at AugustaNational
& today serves as the first hole of a playoff. It is
this hole that Jack Niklaus dubbed "The Reawakening."
In his seminal article in "The Mythical Golfer, a
psychoanylitic journal" he wrote: "One is, with each
stroke, with each freshet of breeze, overcome with the
crushing realization that while one was buoyed up with
knowledge that the journey to the eighteenth hole was
well underway, it has only begun." Use of a wood with
a long, rigid shaft is expected.
No. 11, "White Dogwood"
Par 4, 455 yards
At this hole begins Amen Corner, & wind is often a
factor. A pond guards the green to the left & a bunker
is strategically placed right center. This hole has
decided all but one Masters sudden-death play-off.
It's where Larry Mize chipped in to win the 1987
Masters over Greg Norman. It is here that one of the
higher woods may be introduced, as well the first
stirring of actual spirituality, the knowledge that
perhaps there is some higher force, something beyond
comprehension--not merely the vague rumblings on the
horizon, but something papable. A few moments of awed
meditation & introspection are to be expected,
especially if Tiger's mind lights upon the actual
meaning of the term "Sudden Death".
No. 12 "Golden Bell"
Par 3, 155 yards
One of the most famous holes, this is the shortest
par 3 on the course. With swirling winds, club
selection can range from a 4- to a 9-iron. Rae's creek
in front, & three bunkers, one in front & two in the
rear, make it a neccesity to land on the putting
surface. The Ben Hogan Bridge allows golfers to cross
the creek. It has long been a folk-belief that
vampires & others that have sold their soul to the
devil cannot cross running water, & that God spoke to
Moses from the depths of a swirling wind. Similarly,
iron has long been believed to be anethema to
vampires. Pondering this & other matters will call
into play a sense of wonderment & the powers of
imagination, perhaps a touch of fear. It is not
unheard of for veteran golfers to request their
caddies pack their pockets with whole cloves of garlic
"just in case".
No. 13, "Azalea"
Par 5, 485 yards
An accurate tee shot to the center of the fairway
will allow a player to go for the green in two if he
desires. A tributary to Rae's Creek winds in front of
the green, & behind the putting surface are four
bunkers. It is the location of the Byron Nelson
Bridge. From tee to green there are approximately
1,600 azaleas. Amidst the splendor of nature, Tiger
may nonetheless begin to feel disillusionment, a
certain world-weariness, a sense of purposelessness.
Why bother?, he might ask. So what if the ball goes in
the hole? Look at this azalea--does it need to putt?
Does it need to hawk sneakers? It merely exists & is
beautiful--my soul is a dark, shriveled thing when
held up against it! Despite doubt, he is expected to
continue, albeit without the cockiness of earlier
holes.
No. 14, "Chinese Fir"
Par 4, 405 yards
The only hole on the course without a bunker, this
hole features a green that slopes sharply right to
left. Following a well-placed drive, the second shot
will usually be with a middle iron. Scarely able to
keep his head up, snarling at well-wishers, he will
preface each shot with a swig from an ill-concealed
hip-flask, accidentaly-on-purpose hitting himself in
the head with the putter in a thinly-disguised cry for
help.
No. 15, "Firethorn"
Par 5, 500 yards
A reacheable par 5 when winds are favorable, many
golfers will attempt to reach the green in two. Gene
Sarazen hit "the shot heard round the world" when he
scored a double-eagle 2 in 1935. And that's a lot to
live up to, isn't it? It's always "Gene this" & "Gene
that" They've always liked him better, didn't they?
What about Tiger? Isn't it Tiger's turn? WHEN will it
be Tiger's turn? --He is expected to make the shot in
three, then curl into the fetal position on the green,
shivering.
No. 16, "Redbud"
Par 3, 170 yards
The hole is played entirely over water, & the green
is secured by three bunkers. With the green sloping
significantly from right to left, , an exacting tee
shot is required to have a reasonable birdie
opportunity as well as a renewed sense of purpose &
responsibility, though tinged with cynicism--a melding
hope & awareness of the perils inherent in such an
undertaking.
No. 17, "Nandina"
Par 4, 425 yards
A welcome respite after waterholes on the second
nine, it features one of the wider fairways. The
Eisenhower Tree stands left-center of the fairway,
approximately 195 yards from the tee. The former
president of the USA & Augusta member hit into the
tree so often he campaigned to have it removed, until
he began to delve into the question of WHY he was
hitting the tree so often. Finding the answer became
something of a mania for him & completely overtook the
latter part of his life, eventually leading him to
flirt with Buddhism before a death-bed conversion to
the Druidic Faith. Tiger may experience a similar
death-bed conversion, except without the death-bed
part--rather a third rebirth in which foreknowledge &
eventual acceptance of ones own death steals upon one
slowly, & rage at the universe is replaced with a
gentle benevolence.
No. 18, "Holly"
Par 4, 405 yards
One of the most famous finishing holes in golf, this
uphill dogleg right is protected off the tee by two
bukers at the left elbow. A drive hit down the center
of the fairway often will require a middle iron for an
uphill second shot to a green guarded by two bunkers.
As a final flourish, Tiger is expected to nail the
final hole in two, then be ritually sacrificed by the
Elders of the Club.
TIGER AT THE MASTERS
by C.G. Jung
(Special to USA Today, with additional reporting by
S. "Skippy" Freud & J. Campbell)
Hole by Hole
No. 1, "Tea Olive"
Par 4, 410 yards
(2nd most difficult)
A slight dogleg right with a yawning bunker a
257-yard carry from the tee. Drives to the left may
catch the trees. The hole plays uphill. Tiger will
most likely start off with a low wood, after emerging
from the darkness of the clubhouse, groping towards
consciousness.
No. 2, "Pink Dogwood"
Par 5, 575 yards, 2000 average: 4.841 (16)
A dogleg left that may be reachable in two. Large,
deep greenside bunkers take special attention on the
second shot. Here a middle iron will probably used,
perhaps the 5, which Tiger has showed entirely too
much reliance upon. He will have to surrender it, if
he wishes to continue.
No. 3, "Flowering Peach"
Par 4, 350 yards
A classic short par 4. Golfers attempt to hit short
of the four fairway bunkers, resulting in a full club
to the green where it is better to be long than short.
The best strategy will be to hug the far side of the
fairway. In a tight, close embrace.
No. 4, "Flowering Crab Apple"
Par 3, 205 yards
A long par 3 requiring a long iron & is often made
difficult by deceptive wind. Two greenside bunkers,
front right & along the left side, guard this green
that slopes to the front. Fearsome, these bunkers.
His first impulse may be to either use a low wood, or
else run far, far away, back to the warmth & comfort
of the clubhouse.
No. 5 "Magnolia"
Par 4, 435 yards
An uphill, dogleg left hole with a sloping green.
Golfers favor hitting tee shots left, enabling a
shorter second shot, but short of the ideal drive are
two fairway bunkers. The green slopes down to the
front, & a back bunker catches balls hit too long. It
is at this hole that Tiger has recieved coaching from
his father, Edward, whom Tiger may wish to kill, were
here not so many people watching. So many eyes.
Temporary, hysterical blindness may be expected, as
well as utilization of a low wood to tee off,
switching to that damned 5 iron, but just for this one
hole.
No. 6, "Juniper"
Par 3, 180 yards
An elevated tee & large target are characteristics
of this par 3. A significant difference in elevation
from front to back makes makes the pin position very
important. It would bode Tiger well to remember that
the Juniper is a revered symbol of renewal in many
primitive Nature cults, including some Asiatic sects,
where the Tiger is viewed as a vigorous, primal force.
A small sacrifice of fire & precious oil may produce
the necessary mental state to "mount" this "hole".
No. 7, "Pampas"
Par 4, 365 yards
The first shot on this hole is often played to the
left center of the fairway into a slight upslope. It
is important to avoid the 3 bunkers in front of the
green & the two behind. This hole has been called "The
Awakening" by Ben Hogan, who has been quoted as saying
that it is here that one realizes that one is not just
one man, playing one hole, but one of many, playing
many holes. Grasping this, he suffered a "stroke."
No. 8, "Yellow Jasmine"
Par 5, 550 yards
A birdie hole for long hitters who drive the ball
past or over the fairway bunker on the right side.
This uphill hole features trouble left of the green.
The Jasmine has been the royal symbol of many Asatic
Dynastys, including several emperors who encouraged
their generals to eat raw tiger meat before battle in
order to absorb the strength of the brute. This would
bode well for our young warrior, although conventional
wisdom suggests he will have a light snack of tuna
fish on white bread washed down with some sort of
sports drink.
No. 9, "Carolina Cherry"
Par 4, 430 yards
Best known for its green that slopes back to front.
The tee shot is often hit down the right side hoping
to take away the two greenside bunkers on the left on
the second shot to the green. No. 8 conquered, he may
feel that he is invincible, &, inflated with
self-worth & perhaps a touch of neccessary arrogance,
this hole will present no challenge. Head held high,
fist pumping in the air, he will seem blissfully
unaware of the inevitable downfall that seasoned
golfers know all too well.
No. 10 "Camellia"
Par 4, 485 yards
This hole plays downhill. Players will try to drive
the ball to left or center of the fairway, hitting a
second shot into a green that slopes right to left.
Before 1935 this was the first hole at AugustaNational
& today serves as the first hole of a playoff. It is
this hole that Jack Niklaus dubbed "The Reawakening."
In his seminal article in "The Mythical Golfer, a
psychoanylitic journal" he wrote: "One is, with each
stroke, with each freshet of breeze, overcome with the
crushing realization that while one was buoyed up with
knowledge that the journey to the eighteenth hole was
well underway, it has only begun." Use of a wood with
a long, rigid shaft is expected.
No. 11, "White Dogwood"
Par 4, 455 yards
At this hole begins Amen Corner, & wind is often a
factor. A pond guards the green to the left & a bunker
is strategically placed right center. This hole has
decided all but one Masters sudden-death play-off.
It's where Larry Mize chipped in to win the 1987
Masters over Greg Norman. It is here that one of the
higher woods may be introduced, as well the first
stirring of actual spirituality, the knowledge that
perhaps there is some higher force, something beyond
comprehension--not merely the vague rumblings on the
horizon, but something papable. A few moments of awed
meditation & introspection are to be expected,
especially if Tiger's mind lights upon the actual
meaning of the term "Sudden Death".
No. 12 "Golden Bell"
Par 3, 155 yards
One of the most famous holes, this is the shortest
par 3 on the course. With swirling winds, club
selection can range from a 4- to a 9-iron. Rae's creek
in front, & three bunkers, one in front & two in the
rear, make it a neccesity to land on the putting
surface. The Ben Hogan Bridge allows golfers to cross
the creek. It has long been a folk-belief that
vampires & others that have sold their soul to the
devil cannot cross running water, & that God spoke to
Moses from the depths of a swirling wind. Similarly,
iron has long been believed to be anethema to
vampires. Pondering this & other matters will call
into play a sense of wonderment & the powers of
imagination, perhaps a touch of fear. It is not
unheard of for veteran golfers to request their
caddies pack their pockets with whole cloves of garlic
"just in case".
No. 13, "Azalea"
Par 5, 485 yards
An accurate tee shot to the center of the fairway
will allow a player to go for the green in two if he
desires. A tributary to Rae's Creek winds in front of
the green, & behind the putting surface are four
bunkers. It is the location of the Byron Nelson
Bridge. From tee to green there are approximately
1,600 azaleas. Amidst the splendor of nature, Tiger
may nonetheless begin to feel disillusionment, a
certain world-weariness, a sense of purposelessness.
Why bother?, he might ask. So what if the ball goes in
the hole? Look at this azalea--does it need to putt?
Does it need to hawk sneakers? It merely exists & is
beautiful--my soul is a dark, shriveled thing when
held up against it! Despite doubt, he is expected to
continue, albeit without the cockiness of earlier
holes.
No. 14, "Chinese Fir"
Par 4, 405 yards
The only hole on the course without a bunker, this
hole features a green that slopes sharply right to
left. Following a well-placed drive, the second shot
will usually be with a middle iron. Scarely able to
keep his head up, snarling at well-wishers, he will
preface each shot with a swig from an ill-concealed
hip-flask, accidentaly-on-purpose hitting himself in
the head with the putter in a thinly-disguised cry for
help.
No. 15, "Firethorn"
Par 5, 500 yards
A reacheable par 5 when winds are favorable, many
golfers will attempt to reach the green in two. Gene
Sarazen hit "the shot heard round the world" when he
scored a double-eagle 2 in 1935. And that's a lot to
live up to, isn't it? It's always "Gene this" & "Gene
that" They've always liked him better, didn't they?
What about Tiger? Isn't it Tiger's turn? WHEN will it
be Tiger's turn? --He is expected to make the shot in
three, then curl into the fetal position on the green,
shivering.
No. 16, "Redbud"
Par 3, 170 yards
The hole is played entirely over water, & the green
is secured by three bunkers. With the green sloping
significantly from right to left, , an exacting tee
shot is required to have a reasonable birdie
opportunity as well as a renewed sense of purpose &
responsibility, though tinged with cynicism--a melding
hope & awareness of the perils inherent in such an
undertaking.
No. 17, "Nandina"
Par 4, 425 yards
A welcome respite after waterholes on the second
nine, it features one of the wider fairways. The
Eisenhower Tree stands left-center of the fairway,
approximately 195 yards from the tee. The former
president of the USA & Augusta member hit into the
tree so often he campaigned to have it removed, until
he began to delve into the question of WHY he was
hitting the tree so often. Finding the answer became
something of a mania for him & completely overtook the
latter part of his life, eventually leading him to
flirt with Buddhism before a death-bed conversion to
the Druidic Faith. Tiger may experience a similar
death-bed conversion, except without the death-bed
part--rather a third rebirth in which foreknowledge &
eventual acceptance of ones own death steals upon one
slowly, & rage at the universe is replaced with a
gentle benevolence.
No. 18, "Holly"
Par 4, 405 yards
One of the most famous finishing holes in golf, this
uphill dogleg right is protected off the tee by two
bukers at the left elbow. A drive hit down the center
of the fairway often will require a middle iron for an
uphill second shot to a green guarded by two bunkers.
As a final flourish, Tiger is expected to nail the
final hole in two, then be ritually sacrificed by the
Elders of the Club.