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I write sketch comedy! Here is one I wrote a few months ago


(Linda is standing at the bus stop. She keeps looking at her watch because her bus is running late. While she is preoccupied with her tardy bus, a handsome man dressed in all back is slowly approaching her from behind. He lets out a almost silent hiss that reveals his fangs. Linda is suddenly aware that she is not alone. She slowly turns her head to see this man with fangs coming towards her. Her eyes widen as he creeps closer to her. He lets out another hiss, bearing his fangs towards her. Linda screams)

Linda: Aaahhh! Oh my god! Youre like a vampire! (She smiles and starts bouncing up in down with excitement) (The vampire pauses in confusion)

Linda: No one is ever going to believe that I really meet a vampire!! (She peers closer at his fangs) Oh, sweet! You do have fangs! I wasnt really sure what type of vampire you are

Ivan: what type?

Linda: you know, if you were a traditional Dracula type vampire or if you were going the more modern route of Twilight vampires. I mean, I am totally Team Edward so that would have been fine as well, but

Ivan: (interrupts her) wait, wait, arent you scared of me?

Linda: scared? Youre kidding, right? I am beyond thrilled to meet a real vampire!

Ivan: Is that so?

Linda: Yeah, I have been a fan of vampires since I was a little girl! Ever since I saw Interview with Vampire and Dracula, the one with Gary Oldman, when I was eight. Way before True Blood and Vampire Diaries, but I love those too! *squeal* Greatest day of my life!

Ivan: (narrows his eyes) is that so? Perhaps we can discuss your fantasies at a more private location? (He is clearly trying to seduce her)

Linda:*gasp* thatwasperfect! Oh, geez! Thats so a Lestat thing to say!

Ivan: Lestat? Who is Lestat?

Linda: *scoffs* only one of the most popular vampires in modern culture! Havent you read any Anne Rice?

Ivan: who?

Linda: Really? Are you serious? What kind of vampire doesnt know who Anne Rice is?

Ivan: Enough of these references! (He takes her hand and pulls her to him. He slowly parts his mouth as he inches his way to her neck)

Linda: So youre going to do it right here?

Ivan: (releases Linda from his grasp and scoffs) Good Grief! I cant believe this!

Linda: I mean, thats sort of tacky, dont you think? Just to bite me right here at the bus stop? Where is your sense of dramatics? Eric wouldve taken me

Ivan interrupts) I told you I dont read Anne Rice!

Linda: Umm, Eric from True Blood, duh! There arent any Eric characters in The Vampire Chronicles

Ivan: (sighs) If I wouldve known youd be so difficult, I wouldnt have followed you from the book store!!

Linda: (her face lights up) you mean, you were stalking me?*squeal* that is soooo romantic! That is a classic Stefan!

Ivan: You know, I dont even care anymore

Linda: I bet you saw me walking out the book store and thought, I must have her! She looks delicious

Ivan: Thats fairly accurate

Linda: And having followed me for three blocks, when you saw me waiting for my bus you thought Now is the time for blood

Ivan: (impressed) yep, yep I did think thatnot to shabby for a human anyways

Linda: Told ya, I am expert at vampires

Ivan: what is your name, child?

Linda: (delighted) Linda, whats yours?

Ivan: (dramatic) Ivan

Linda: Ivan? Hmmm, I was hoping for Damon or Vincent, but Ivan isnt too bad. At least its not a Bill or Chris

Ivan: (slightly offended) thanks, I guess (awkward pause) look, Linda. The night is still pretty earlier for me and honestly, Ive kind of lost my appetite
Linda: (offended) well, sorrrrryyyy Mr. I dont- know- vampires references even though I am one. Do I not smell tasty anymore?

Ivan: No, you do but I like my meals to be less chatty. You do understand dont you?

Linda: wait, you were just gonna drain my blood and leave me for dead?

Ivan: (nods) Yep, yep that was the idea. You know, being a vampire and all

Linda: Well, I though maybe you were seeking a companion to share eternity with!

Ivan: Oh, I am but I dont think I could listen to you compare me to other fictional vampires forever. You had your chance at the real thing. This could have been your moment but like the foolish human you are, you ignored it. You o rant and rave about the great vampire lovers of adolescent dreams but offend the vampire who has come to set you free. Adieu, Linda, perhaps we will meet againif you are lucky (Ivan kisses her hand, smirks up at her then vanishes into the night)

Linda: That was such an Edward thing to say