yep another depressing journal thingy from me. sorry but its the only place i can vent and say what i feel like.
so i think i figured out why i am so down.
since i can remember i have always tried to run away from anything difficult or things i was scared of. real life sucked, i was always made fun of and any friend i made would totally use me or find someone cooler (cos im not very good at being something im not). so eventually i resorted to not having like REAL friends to avoid being hurt. I also started to make up these imaginary lives i would live that would be so wonderful, i'd get thru the day by just day dreaming about these amazing ideas i had like being rich and famous and going out with some famous dude. yeah pretty lame but meh. in the last year or more, i have woken up and realised that none of that is going to happen and I have missed out on so much by being some recluse that never overcomes her fears or problems just avoids them. i have done things to try and get over this but i just keep fucking it up and not being sure. i dont know what i am aiming for in life. and i guess its making me feel sad that there is nothing i am working toward or there is no direction in my life. im just wandering aimlessly and it feels crap. i used to be passionate about things in my life that now i just dont care about anymore. im not living for anything apart from my dog or my family and my couple of good friends that i have gotten in the last 6 months or so. i need to find something, but im scared that when i find what i think i want, it really isnt what i want.
i dont know. are we always going to be looking for something to make our lives seem more fulfilled or complete? is everyone always looking for something better? are we never content with what we have? am i just not good enough?
so i think i figured out why i am so down.
since i can remember i have always tried to run away from anything difficult or things i was scared of. real life sucked, i was always made fun of and any friend i made would totally use me or find someone cooler (cos im not very good at being something im not). so eventually i resorted to not having like REAL friends to avoid being hurt. I also started to make up these imaginary lives i would live that would be so wonderful, i'd get thru the day by just day dreaming about these amazing ideas i had like being rich and famous and going out with some famous dude. yeah pretty lame but meh. in the last year or more, i have woken up and realised that none of that is going to happen and I have missed out on so much by being some recluse that never overcomes her fears or problems just avoids them. i have done things to try and get over this but i just keep fucking it up and not being sure. i dont know what i am aiming for in life. and i guess its making me feel sad that there is nothing i am working toward or there is no direction in my life. im just wandering aimlessly and it feels crap. i used to be passionate about things in my life that now i just dont care about anymore. im not living for anything apart from my dog or my family and my couple of good friends that i have gotten in the last 6 months or so. i need to find something, but im scared that when i find what i think i want, it really isnt what i want.
i dont know. are we always going to be looking for something to make our lives seem more fulfilled or complete? is everyone always looking for something better? are we never content with what we have? am i just not good enough?
Here's something I found and I thought of you:
The truth is, it's not going to take that much to make your life better. Just a little effort. You don't need to climb Mount Everest; you just need to take one little step.
Be a little bit braver.
The things you are struggling with will succeed if you are just a little braver. The job you are working on will succeed if you find the courage to work just a little harder. The task you dread, the grades you wish to accomplish, the difficult time you need to get through can all be handled if you act a little braver.
You don't have to solve all of your problems.
You just have to be begin.
Be a little braver,
I think most people are always looking for something to make their lives better... thing is it's already within us... you don't need things outside of yourself to be complete... i think it's all about perspective... the way you view what's going on... and you so have to not question if you're good enough or not... I won't fucking hear it sweetie... of course you are!!!! Even if you don't believe it I sure as hell fucking do!!! You can always call me... can you email me your number again... I'll even call you!!!
Are you going to Her Nightmare & Comeback Kid?
LOVE YOU!!!!
B
xoxoxoxoxo