raiven66

I hate being the SARC (sexual assault response coordinator). I'm thinking of self-eliminating. I had another potential case come up today. Of course the victim doesn't want to report it, as usual. As a "survivor" (which I actually don't think I am because my assassination still runs my life), I know that we can't force her to report it. She actually only told her supervisor in confidence, who called me to see what to do. And I had to tell him to do nothing. To reassure her that it wasn't her fault but to continue to re-iterate to her too that he was not going to be able to help her the way she was going to need help. That all he could do was listen as she talked through it, but that he wouldn't be able to act as a therapist or healer of any sort and that she couldn't depend on him for that.

So I'll be here for him, cause he's going to need the help too. But she's gonna think about it every night before she falls asleep. She's going to dream about it. She's going to think about it when she wakes up. And there are going to be hundreds of mini moments throughout the day that it flashes through her head. Not that therapy will take that away, but it gives us the tools to deal with those mini moments. And hopefully in time, it gives us the ability to get rid of most of the mini moments. I'll let you know how that works out.

For now though, i'll think about my assassination...and hers...before I fall asleep. I'll dream about both of the attacks, and when I wake up, I'll think about what her facial expression looked like at that moment of insertion. Throughout the day tomorrow, I'll wonder what she's thinking about at that very moment. And if she's entered the "it didn't even seem like it was me, it's like I was watching it happen" phase. And i'll remember all my mini moments ... and I'll pretend that I'm so happy. And I'll smile and I'll laugh...and like always, no one will know just how sad I am....