rainwolfkin

i'm afraid of bees. i mean really fucking afraid of bees. i've been stung before, and its not the sting that fightens me. its just the presence of the bee. it is kind of like all that fightens me in the world, be it death, images of animals being butchered, images of people being butchered, the inescapability of oblivion, the lack of a god, the meaninglessness of everything...all gets bundled up into one tiny little creature. (this is an example of yet another one of my excellent coping methods).

so once, i was delivering a pizza to a place just outside of town. i was driving at about 45 miles per hour and the windows were down. the air smelled burnt, like it does when all the leaves are falling from the trees. and the landscape was brown. it was after the harvest. there were 2 horseflies in trapped in back of my car, flying about the rear window as they do about this time of year. anyway, i was driving along, probably with my knee on the wheel and my mind and both hands occupied with CD's when i leaned back and got stung by the bee that i didn't realize had decided to choose the worst part of my car to land on.

ok, so the sting happened. nothing to do now, right. the bee dies and i have a little bump. not so. my first reaction was not to scream, but to literally jump into the passanger seat of my car abandoning the actual operating of the vehicle to god knows who. as it happened, there was a pizza on the passanger seat of my car. obviously thinking about what the customer might say had i actually sat on their pizza, i instinctively decided it was better to sort of squat between the seat and the window. this position require me to be facing the rear of the car.

after this initial panic, i realized that no one was driving. so i paniced again. i reached over with a foot and slammed on the brakes. this almost put me through the windshield, but i did manage to stop the car. having reached a 0 mile per hour speed, i though it was the time to exit the terrifying presence of the bee and leapt out of the car.

i forgot to put the car in park. this brought about a huge dilema for me. do i brave the bee to save the car or just save myself. as it happened, i had invested part of myself in the car, so i decided to save us both. after some 007 moves, i managed to reach into the car and yank the gear box into park before leaping out again.

by this time, i was a crying wreck. balling my eyes out. some hillbillies drove by looking at me like hillbillies usually do. i stood there for a while just crying. and i felt better. until i realized that the bee was still in the car.

after carefully approaching the drivers-side window and spotting the bee, i decided that i had better remove it if iwas to deliver this pizza. so i tried to. a few times. but actually didn't even come close to it...

i started crying again. and cried even harder when i realized that my mobile phone was in the car, right next to the bee. so, after a few more ninja moves from me, i successfully got the phone, and phoned the only person who could help me deliever that pizza. my boss.

at first, he was highly upset about my crying as i was sputtering so badly, i'm not sure if he could understand me. so after a few moments of being calmed down, i finally was able to successfully reveal that there was a bee in my car and i had not yet been able to deliver the pizza. as it happened, i realized that i happened to be right in front of the house that i was to be taking that pizza too. and there were people watching me from the front window.

anyway, to sum up a rather long story about a bee sting, my boss drove his pickup truck out to the site to rescue me while i had to explain to the people who ordered the pizza what had happened while black makeup ran down my cheeks from all the tears.

my boss gave me a super-sized can of bee and wasp killer after that, for future emergencies.

i think my colleagues laughed at me for 2 weeks before they forgot what they were laughing at.