rainwolfkin

what a shite day.

in other matters, i don't know why i'm even half-heartedly updating this anymore.

this used to be a place for me to vent. or to just be happy. to get out all of my weirdness so that i could be normal during my hours with the real life assholes and bastards that populate the world.

but its hard to do that when i feel like the wrong people are taking a voyeuristic approach to my life.

admittedly, i shouldn't even be writing this. but in the words (and style) of atari teenage riot: fuck all.

i am a highly tolerant person. even in my hours of 'i hate the world and everything in it' i will tolerate almost anything. those things that i refuse to tolerate, though, are the ones that hurt people.

so, hypothetically speaking, or not so hypothetically as the case may be, if someone had been mean to someone unnecessarily and they don't apologize for it - when they know very well how mean they've been - well, that's just double the mean isn't it?

in what way is it good for me or for you?

now i've got a lot of thoughts in my head about why people might be like this. but i'm not here to tell you how you really feel, or what you should really do. i suppose i'm only trying to say that it is difficult for me to tolerate the cruel. its also difficult for me to tolerate those that are not self-reflective in at least some way, and this sort of cruel behaviour implies a lack of self-reflection, although i don't actually believe that is the case. there's a lot going on here. complexities and dynamics that i am well aware of.

know see? i've let my tongue loose and i suspect that little or no good will come of it. but when i'm sitting there quietly, silently waiting for some speck of decency or acknowledgement from you and you arrogantly snort with eyes of self-constructed omniscience, what am i to do?

should i stay there in my shell or should i lay it all out for you to see?

you give me nothing. until you give me the scrap of decency that i deserve, don't come seeking forgiveness. and don't expect to be privy to my life.

and a little side note to all of those who might actually know what i'm talking about and who are or even are not directly affected by this: i know i'm an asshole for bringing this up here. and i don't expect that anyone responds to this. it's not really fair to ask you to or to put you in a positition to have to make a choice whether or not to reward me with kind words, slag me off with insults, or refrain from commenting to prevent and tension arising. i don't want anyone to respond. i'm not sure if that helps or not, but fuck all i really need to vent and who the fuck else am i going to talk to?