May is Mental Health Awareness month. I've been wanting to post about this, but I couldn't really figure out what to say.
I have depression and anxiety, so I'm terrified of people and doing things I'm unfamiliar with. I'm constantly tired and having to remind myself that I'm worthy of taking up space and just existing. I have days where I wake up and just cry because I hate that I'm me, and that I had to wake up for another day.
I have too many people assuming they know me or how I'm feeling based on how I market myself and it really fucks with my already fragile idea of who I am and my sense of self. My reality is foggy and drastically different from others' perception of me and life around us.
I spend most of my time sleeping and wallowing in self-pity over things that happened way too long ago, constantly and still beating myself up to remedy and better it. I go way too long between showers and often fail to even brush my teeth or hair just because it's such a chore. I forget to eat or I eat everything in sight. I can't fall asleep because there's a good to absolute chance I'll have nightmares, and I have to limit how much I talk about my trauma so as to not trigger a panic attack.
My mental illness has played a large part in me going to school for 5 years and still not having an associate's degree. And being the actual worst at carrying conversation. And failing to keep up with the most basic things like house chores and personal hygiene.
My attempts at therapy have been sporadic and temporary, so results have been minimal. I've made great strides over the years as I've learned about my symptoms, learned coping mechanisms and management strategies, but I still have a long way to go. Sometimes I can go a few weeks when things are fine, other times I'm fighting myself for days on end to feel even remotely okay. Overall, things have gotten better over the years. I truly have a much better reign on my mental health and being able to dissect and understand it. But, knowledge doesn't always overpower the feelings.
I spend every day with mental illness. It's part of me, and I've accepted that it always will be. I think the best thing I can do is be open about it.
