well i have officially given up. things just never work the way they should-i'm beginning to wonder if there's a reason that everything that brings me happiness fades so quickly. i understand that i'm probably pretty unfun to deal with or be around these days. and maybe that's why i chose to go hang out with the family today-we all hate each other-but it's ok, because we love each other more than anything else too. i'm realizing that the fact that the family member that means most to me shall be dead quite soon is causing me to wig out as much as possible-and i'm clinging to all things that are far away and can't ever leave me and cause this kind of pain. maybe this is the reason i have this weird obsession with my movies-they'll always be there-they'll always make me feel the same things-and they'll never die. i've never dealt with death very well-which is pathetic considering how much time it spends in my face. it's times like these i think it would be quite lovely to take the easy way out-and never again have to deal with this shit-the death-the love-the confusion-the dick withdrawal. i never know what to do at times like these-but i'm learning that crawling inside doesn't really help-it makes me feel more alone and more fucked up than usual. but the more i throw myself out there-the more of this that i get. i should stop before i start making sense-and maybe before the night is over i can drink or smoke this feeling away. it's been so long since i've been truly happy- or truly entertained or truly content or truly sure of anything. but right now-i'm sure i want this to stop. i know i have to go home next week-but it's the last thing i want to do. especially since i know that the entire time i won't be able to help thinking that it's the last chance i'll get to be with her.i can't believe i waited this long to let this all out and i think i should try to eat again.
i think i may have broken the record for most updates in one day. and all because of this. i had a feeling there was something i wanted to say.
i think i may have broken the record for most updates in one day. and all because of this. i had a feeling there was something i wanted to say.
lefty:
dont be hard on yourself... death is never an easy thing to deal with.. ive only once been to a funeral where i had to see the deceased... i kept thinking "hes gonna get up, and be alive", but he didnt ofcourse... take a day off, and cry, certainly that could help... remember though... no matter how bad you make think things are, there is always someone whos got things worse... dont take the easy way out, cause its never easy... ok i think im done...