ragdolly13

Things I can't tell you in person: Part 1

I don't know why her death has hit me this hard. Maybe its because she leaves behind the boy who is basically my little brother. Maybe its because she left two little girls and I can't even have one of my own with you.
I know I said it was okay but just once I wanted you to come to my rescue and hold me. Let me cry.
I want to have a baby with you. I want to raise a child with you. While I know you won't entertain the possibility because it biologically won't be yours I still think about it. A lot more since the doctor's appointment where it was made clear that my end wasn't as hopeless as it seemed. I adore her as well as you do I just wish you would take a second and ask if indulging hormones was the best thing the night before a funeral where I am already a wreck. I got tired of feeling like a burden because I know cuddling and being there emotionally does nothing for you. Therefore I didn't ask. I didn't want to put you out. Today was the day I decided to be more understanding of your needs in the marriage. I have to say today I wanted to be selfish. You know what I should have been. Its 2 in the morning. She is sleeping, you are sleeping and I am sick to my stomach over having to explain to a 4 year old tomorrow why mommy wont be coming home. She knows mommy is dead but she keeps asking why. I really cant tell her mommy was really sad and shot herself in the head