What makes me, me?
What is the force underneath it all? Who am I? Why am I?
These are the hardest questions I have ever posed to myself because I dont have much of an answer or rather an immediate answer.
Hm ok so establishing basic facts about myself, my personalitykind, empathetic, worrisome, patient, considerate, passive, insecure, honest, little confidence, and reserved.
What caused me to develop these traits?
Timeline: Sweet gentle child--> abuse from cousins made me change into something that would rather be feared than risk being tormented again--> I go from being tormented and beaten up physically from my cousins to the mental abuse of an uncaring alcoholic father--> the reputation of someone to be feared follows me still, but I was now quiet, reserved, calm, disdainful of others, and very introverted--> first boyfriend helped me open up to people--> then he destroyed me--> then came my now #2 ex boyfriend the 4yr. bandaid, my time with him has brought me to where I am today.
I have thought a lot about this and a big factor of why I am the way I am is because I strive to be everything my father is not. He worries about nothing, he makes empty promises, hes passive aggressive, loud, obnoxious, rude, and is lazy.
Maybe if he supported me in school, went to my chorus concerts, art shows, and even my graduation I might have a bit more confidence in myself I stopped singing for a long time because I was practicing for a concert at night and he told me to shut up because I was keeping him awake, now Im terribly shy about singing. I have learned to expect nothing from him, I depend on him for nothing at all, I ask nothing of him and even though he still takes and takes from me I only have a little longer to go before I am free.
I know this sounds like Im blaming my dad for all my problems but your environment does impact how you develop and he never gave me a positive one to grow in. The only real positive thing I can say about my dad is that he made me know what I didnt want to be.
If it had not been for all of my teachers in school I may have turned out to be a very effed up individual. Every positive thing about me comes from what those women did for meIve only known my real mother for about a year now but I have so many mothers in the school system here They pushed me all the time to do better in school and while I never listened to them then it has sunk in now, where it really counts.
So what does all this come to?
Well if anything it shows that despite all the shit that would break a child and warp a young adult I have somehow managed to survive it all and am still growing.
I swear to god they could make a lifetime movie about my life haha x_x
What is the force underneath it all? Who am I? Why am I?
These are the hardest questions I have ever posed to myself because I dont have much of an answer or rather an immediate answer.
Hm ok so establishing basic facts about myself, my personalitykind, empathetic, worrisome, patient, considerate, passive, insecure, honest, little confidence, and reserved.
What caused me to develop these traits?
Timeline: Sweet gentle child--> abuse from cousins made me change into something that would rather be feared than risk being tormented again--> I go from being tormented and beaten up physically from my cousins to the mental abuse of an uncaring alcoholic father--> the reputation of someone to be feared follows me still, but I was now quiet, reserved, calm, disdainful of others, and very introverted--> first boyfriend helped me open up to people--> then he destroyed me--> then came my now #2 ex boyfriend the 4yr. bandaid, my time with him has brought me to where I am today.
I have thought a lot about this and a big factor of why I am the way I am is because I strive to be everything my father is not. He worries about nothing, he makes empty promises, hes passive aggressive, loud, obnoxious, rude, and is lazy.
Maybe if he supported me in school, went to my chorus concerts, art shows, and even my graduation I might have a bit more confidence in myself I stopped singing for a long time because I was practicing for a concert at night and he told me to shut up because I was keeping him awake, now Im terribly shy about singing. I have learned to expect nothing from him, I depend on him for nothing at all, I ask nothing of him and even though he still takes and takes from me I only have a little longer to go before I am free.
I know this sounds like Im blaming my dad for all my problems but your environment does impact how you develop and he never gave me a positive one to grow in. The only real positive thing I can say about my dad is that he made me know what I didnt want to be.
If it had not been for all of my teachers in school I may have turned out to be a very effed up individual. Every positive thing about me comes from what those women did for meIve only known my real mother for about a year now but I have so many mothers in the school system here They pushed me all the time to do better in school and while I never listened to them then it has sunk in now, where it really counts.
So what does all this come to?
Well if anything it shows that despite all the shit that would break a child and warp a young adult I have somehow managed to survive it all and am still growing.
I swear to god they could make a lifetime movie about my life haha x_x
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I used to care for her very much, but as I said, she's become one of those people you see when they're going through shit. Like they only reserve a hello when it suits them.
I don't know why I feel you're very private or modest. But truth is you do have a great body & I'm happy you're proud of it. Cuz you should be
I also had an alcoholic, emotionally abusive father. For me, it was my mom who was always there to do damage control and help build me up when my father knocked me down.