radii

Late night musings and what not....

So this whole time I have been trying to figure out who I am what Im all about, what my goals are, where I want to be, where I want to go, everything.

It has been staring me down the whole time and I have just been too blinded by my own neuroses and general mental defunctness to see it all.

I spent some time today just flicking through my profiles on SG, Myspace, and Facebook. Just reading all the little bit of information I have put in to those little boxes.

I can be whoever I want toits my life and all I have to do is believe in myself, grab hold of my life and steer it to where I want to go. To sum up all that I have put in those little profiles I say that Im a bubbly, cute, happy, fun, colorful, artistic girl. I like reading a lot, play video games, I live for art, Im serious about school, Im a great listener, I care about people, I love movies, anime is boss, and I have an eclectic taste in music. Im zany, hard working, work a lot, I like to be around intelligent people, I want to talk about uncomfortable topics, I dont care what you think, and Im painfully honest.

I know full well that all that exists on the inside but on the outside? Ho Im grouchy, quiet, seemingly cold at times, and have no confidence in myself what so ever. I put myself at the bottom and everyone else at the top. I have come to realize through the massive amount of attention I have gotten from many people on SG that I am a very attractive person, physically and mentally, that I am of high value and make a great friend. I am aware that Im sexy, kindhearted, freakishly patient, intelligent, creative, and talented but the stark and honest truth of why I dont acknowledge these things about myself is out of fear; fear that I will become this horrendous egotistical monster. There are far too many people that are uncaring and obsessed with themselves and I dont want to be that way I will never give up my ability to empathize and my desire to help others. My process to avoid becoming this monster is to gradually accept these things about me, that may not make much sense to anyone else but it does to me and I dont care.

I am there for anyone who needs me, I joke that I am like the big sister to so many of the kids around here, it might sound crazy but I have such a strong need to love and protect I could barely know you but tell me your problem and bam empathy and Im like your second mom. I want to help people with their problems, I love to listen to people and give adviceit is something that I have been doing for many, many years now. People would just come to me to vent or ask advice because they knew without a doubt that I can be trusted to never tell a soul.

For awhile I lost track of where I wanted to go in my life but Im pretty sure of where Im going now and Im pretty happy about it. I have decided that Im going to go to ECU and get my teaching license. I want to study as much art as I possibly can. I also want to get really involved in psychology, I have known what Ive wanted to do with my life for a very long time and it has taken me an equally long time to recognize itArt has been a part of my life since the time I picked up a pen, it has always been with me the one stable and constant thing in my life. I have always been so very, very curious about how everything works. I like to pick things apart, the golden word in my book is not please buy why. I listen and I learn; I take in all that hear and pick it apart to find answers and questions. I study people-- I pick up on their body language, tone of voice, mannerisms, gestures, everything and all just to figure them out get inside their minds. When you take those two things art and psychology you create a beautiful thingart therapy. I had an art therapist when I was in the 4th grade on up until 6th or 7th grade when I started art lessons with the middle school art teacher.

I want to go the places that I want to go, for myself and no one else. I must find happiness within myself and with my life, everything is already there no other person completes another they only enrich the completion that was already there. Im going to stop searching for what I thought was missing because it was there all along; then Ill start to add the little things and people to make my little world bigger, brighter, and better.

Hmm adding more thoughts here
I want to be a mother so bad one day, I just want to love and take care of everything haha. I have friends that, under my disapproving eye have gotten preggers while in HS, on purpose even, thinking that its going to be a blast. Oh you stupid children how I would smack you! Im sorry I have lived in a very volatile and unstable home my whole life and maybe thats why Im super critical here but I swear to god these girls just dont really think about it at all or they are detached from reality 1. Get some college under your belt 2. Have a stable job/career 3. The makings of owning a house or a secure living situation 4. MAKE SURE YOU CAN SUPPORT YOURSELF AND THE CHILD
Those are my rules of what needs to happen before you bring another life into this world. You are responsible for that life until they turn 18 and then there is college to think of. I made myself a promise long ago that my children will never live the way I had to

hm and if my good friend happens to read this I would like to thank you for putting the brand to my ass and helping me move forward here not naming any names you know who you are.