quietantrum

i thought i was going to die the other night when he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. i still don't know what i'm supposed to do. when i said i wanted to come over and get my stuff that was my scared/fucked up way of trying to change the way things were. i think i was just hoping to hear, "no u don't need to get your things" and "things don't need to be like this." thats why when i got there i left the box i had brought in the car, i wanted to talk things through first. but my stuff was already packed when i got there and he was crying on the staircase. i didn't believe it was over then. after we were both done talking and we were both sitting there in silence i was in the worst place i had ever been emotionally. i have never know the numbness of a broken heart. it doesn't hurt like people say. there was just this weird feeling in my chest-a cross between hungry and nauseaus filling me up inside. i felt like i was swimming because everything seemed so far away and i just could't move. i couldn't breath or blink or cry. then i would snap out of it and just start sobbing again. after i had cried for what seemed like had been and would be forever, i knew i had to leave. i was so weak i could hardly walk and i could barely see through my tears. i remember he put something in my purse that i was about to forget just before i stumbled into the doorjam like a dumbass. when we got downstairs i managed somehow to get my shoes on and he gave me a hug goodbye. i just remember feeling like he was holding me up cause i thought i was going to collapse. as i reached for the doorknob he asked if i was ok to drive and i just said, "i have to be" and left. i sat out in the car for a few minutes before taking off and cried out so loud i'm sure the neighbors wondered what that horrible sound was. i have no idea how i got home. all i know is i drove really slow and at one point forgot to keep breathing. it was weird. maybe i was holding my breath to try to stop the tears. i just felt like i had just woken up and couldn't get enough air and my heart was beating out of my chest. when i got home i left everything in my car and went to my room. the first thing i did was unplug my clock so it wouldn't constantly remind my of how time can stand so still when you wish you were dead. i took the battery off my phone so my heart wouldn't ache over and over agin every time it rang and it wasn't him. but that didn't last very long. i have no idea if it was half an hour or several hours later, but i turned my phone back on to see if maybe he had called. of course he hadn't. i didn't want to text him or call him but i couldn't stop myself. when he didn't text me back right away i called and called and got the voicemail. i kept calling back hoping one of the times he would answer but he didn't. so i left a message and sat there and waited for him to call me back- mad the whole time cause i really didn't want to start the psycho ex girlfriend shit already. i fell asleep with the phone in my hand waiting for him to call and didn't even wake up when he did call me back. the time between then and now is such a blur. was that tues night or weds? i have no idea. from then to yesterday was a nightmare of sleeping and crying and talking. i talked to him again- still thinking i could say something to change things. and i talked to my mom. she's been great. she's worried about me. i would be dead already if things with my family were the way they used to be. but i just can't do that to them. anyways- i know it was thurs night i talked to my mom because friday i actually had the stregnth to get out of bed and do some things. i'm not quite sure if my mom made me feel better or wore about my appearance though. i had already taken out my labret, thought i cant remember when. i had bit the inside of my lip 6 times in one day earlier in the week and the stud was just another irritation in my mouth. and i knew i had to do something about my hair. so friday i sat in a salon for 3 hours praying the bleach wouldn't make me go bald and hoping it wouldn't look worse and kicking myself for spending the money but knowing it had to be done. like somehow looking more normal will make things easier. we'll see. at any rate- those 3 hours were the longest i had gone yet without crying bedsides when i was asleep. i even held it in when my stylist asked me if i was married or had a boyfriend. i just said, "nope", and let her talk about her boyfriend who wasn't right for her but wouldn't let her leave. and when she asked why i left my job i lied and told her it was because of the shitty pay and hours. i had gone to work a few hours prior to my appointment. i couldn't just leave without a word like i did to CP. i wasn't leaving there because of work and i didn't think it was fair. i feel really bad because i know how bad it affects the whole office and wish i could have at least given 2 weeks notice. everyone knows what happend and why i wasn't there. i told them that i just needed time to myself right now and how could i do that when i'm working split shifts 6 days a week? i really see no end in sight to the scheduling problems there anyways. but how could i explain the truth? that i can't continue seeing him each and every day in a new light as just a pleasant memory when i was so proud to say, "he's my boyfriend." each day would have been a constant reminder of failed happiness for both of us thanks to me. if you constantly pick at a cut it scabs and scars and never heals right. i know now after all the thinking i've done that i can't just say i'm sorry and things will be better and thats that. maybe i'm naive and stupid, but he said that maybe someday we will be together again and i can't afford to let go of that hope. when one person means everything to you and you lose them then you've lost everything. but we do get what we deserve. i know this will be a lesson to us both. i know he will be a much stronger and happier person and i will not be as selfish and spoiled. i think life just threw us a few lemmons and once we've both squeezed as much lemmonade out of them we can resume our lives together, whether thats in a few weeks, months, or years. i have no idea what i will do with myself in the meantime. i guess all i can do is take things as they comes, one day at a time. but i will always be there for him, as a friend. "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you its yours. If it doesnt it was never meant to be"