"C'mon Than...it'll be fun. Bob and Ashley are going, and Bob's really excited to see it. The first one was good, and even this one should be funny-bad..."
No matter what anyone tells you, regardless of their pleading, cajoling, or the viability of their threats to your loved ones, should anyone, now, or in the future, see "The Chronicles of Riddick."
"Pitch Black" was an interesting and somewhat original idea for a creature feature that was well-executed and quite enjoyable to watch. "TCoR" was an unmitigated crapfest the likes of which I wish I had never seen. Maybe three of the corsets and a tiny handful of individual sweeping shots were pretty; I'll be generous and say that roughly 250 frames of the film could be spared from the fires of purgation needed to cleanse the world of that travesty. Nothing else was remotely tolerable...the cinematography was apparently planned and executed by a highly trained 12-year old in the throes of an amphetamine bender. The score consisted almost solely of one hyperactive timpani player hell-bent on making up for the paucity of notes for timapani in every other piece of music ever composed, and approximately 4,000 brass players that knew two major and one minor chord progression and the word "crescendo." I plan on personally seeing to the messy separation of the tongue and fingers from the body of the simian hack who wrote the script, thus ensuring that he will never be able to communicate another one of his soul-crushingly banal thoughts to another human being.
Oh, and lets not forget Faramir. Fucking Faramir... thanks to TCoR I will always think of a sweaty, dreadlocked man in a state of chronic constipation vomiting out inane strings of monosyllables whenever I see Faramir. Not only does TCoR forever blemish the term "movie" by falling under it's classification, it actively destroys the positive impressions that others may have made.
So, 4 hours of my life ruined. 1 for the travel time on the T both to and from, 1 for the hour that I had to work to earn the $10.50 (!!!!!) to see the crime, and 2 for the anathema itself.
Don't tell yourself that this is an overreaction...I, too, foolishly thought that I could go and laugh at the bad bits, yet I was continually stymied in my plans by the gratuitous horror of the thing. You cannot laugh, it is not funny (at that price), and no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus, because Vin Diesel killed him, cut him into pieces, and baked him into a casserole that was served to Faramir and the poor, deluded girl who will never have a career after playing his consort, and they puked him back up all over the keyboard of the writer, which broke all the keys capable of typing "not shit."
On the up side, I'll be seeing a bunch of SGBoston folk tomorrow night and drinking heavily in order to kill any brain cells that may have even tenuous connections to the memory of that film. Oh, and I can switch my hours for the 10th so I am golden on showing up to the Cabaret show.
No matter what anyone tells you, regardless of their pleading, cajoling, or the viability of their threats to your loved ones, should anyone, now, or in the future, see "The Chronicles of Riddick."
"Pitch Black" was an interesting and somewhat original idea for a creature feature that was well-executed and quite enjoyable to watch. "TCoR" was an unmitigated crapfest the likes of which I wish I had never seen. Maybe three of the corsets and a tiny handful of individual sweeping shots were pretty; I'll be generous and say that roughly 250 frames of the film could be spared from the fires of purgation needed to cleanse the world of that travesty. Nothing else was remotely tolerable...the cinematography was apparently planned and executed by a highly trained 12-year old in the throes of an amphetamine bender. The score consisted almost solely of one hyperactive timpani player hell-bent on making up for the paucity of notes for timapani in every other piece of music ever composed, and approximately 4,000 brass players that knew two major and one minor chord progression and the word "crescendo." I plan on personally seeing to the messy separation of the tongue and fingers from the body of the simian hack who wrote the script, thus ensuring that he will never be able to communicate another one of his soul-crushingly banal thoughts to another human being.
Oh, and lets not forget Faramir. Fucking Faramir... thanks to TCoR I will always think of a sweaty, dreadlocked man in a state of chronic constipation vomiting out inane strings of monosyllables whenever I see Faramir. Not only does TCoR forever blemish the term "movie" by falling under it's classification, it actively destroys the positive impressions that others may have made.
So, 4 hours of my life ruined. 1 for the travel time on the T both to and from, 1 for the hour that I had to work to earn the $10.50 (!!!!!) to see the crime, and 2 for the anathema itself.
Don't tell yourself that this is an overreaction...I, too, foolishly thought that I could go and laugh at the bad bits, yet I was continually stymied in my plans by the gratuitous horror of the thing. You cannot laugh, it is not funny (at that price), and no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus, because Vin Diesel killed him, cut him into pieces, and baked him into a casserole that was served to Faramir and the poor, deluded girl who will never have a career after playing his consort, and they puked him back up all over the keyboard of the writer, which broke all the keys capable of typing "not shit."
On the up side, I'll be seeing a bunch of SGBoston folk tomorrow night and drinking heavily in order to kill any brain cells that may have even tenuous connections to the memory of that film. Oh, and I can switch my hours for the 10th so I am golden on showing up to the Cabaret show.
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
amethystula:
nice to see you again at the party. me and AmethystFaust just think you are the bees knees. thanks for inviting us to scissorkiss tomorrow it should be awsome!!!! you are welcome anytime, and i have a feeling we will be seeing alot more of you 
clara:
Hm. The last person on my friends list to review TCoR liked it lots. Funny how that happens.