quicksand

Gosh. I've been reading over these past posts and it just seems like such a whirlwind. Shit. I really have gone through it and have been up and down and all over the place. So much has changed. I've come out as gay. I have no contact with my family. I've given up pot and alcohol (still working on the cigs....). I owned my own business. I closed my own business. Sometimes I look at myself and I'm just so embarassed about how vulnerable I've been on a site like this, pouring out all this personal information to whomever has a little bit of money to see some chicks with no clothes on. And what's more, sometimes I look at myself and I think, "Holy shit, I'm a walking train wreck who doesn't have the first clue about myself or anything else." This, of course, is my inner critic talking, that angry little bastard who likes to fuck with my head and poke my cellulite. So fuck it. I'm going to be awesomely vulnerable on the nudie website and if I'm a train wreck, well, I'll be the most beautiful train wreck I can be.

So, here's the spongy little life inside my crab shell: I want to be a Suicide Girl, a real, bonafide pink bowed SG. I'm old but I'm still really hot and I want to do this for some reason motivated primarily by exhibitionist and self-loving tendencies. I also want a girlfriend sooooo bad. I'm tired of fucking guys while fantasizing about my friends, and that hot girl I saw running in short shorts, and that other girl at the mall, and that babe who took my lunch order....you get the idea. I am triple queer and tired of pretending otherwise. Sorry fellas. I'll think of you fondly every time I put on my strap-on.

What else....well, sometimes I feel invisible. Sometimes I feel like no one cares or could possibly relate. But doesn't everyone feel this way sometimes? My request is: I need friends. I need someone who can make the SG thing happen for me. And I need someone to love.

Universe, I'm counting on you to hear me and respond.....

Love,
Quick