Hello, beautiful people!
First things first, apologies for this while that I haven't been paying as much attention to you all as I should. I owe you an explanation.
Two years ago, I lost my grandfather and my mother in a matter of two months, what brought me down into a terrible depression that, up to this day, shows up whenever it sees fit, screwing me over. That much, most of you know about it, but not about my grandma stuck in a way stronger one since my mum got her cancer diagnosed and it's not always the easiest thing to try to keep the family spirit up when I'm so far away, as there's no way I can rely on my siblings. Don't get me wrong, I love them to pieces, but my sister has some mental issues and my brother is a little piece of selfish shit.
(The last picture I took with my grandad, who hated cameras because they were "the devils work" haha)
(My siblings, me and my mum on her last Christmas. And my grandad wearing his uniform on the background haha)
Also, last week, one of my friends lost his mother to the same kind of cancer and got to me more than I thought it would do. The long nights in hospital, the waiting for the worst, the people in black crying their eyes out. Everything' still so vivid it shocks me, but there was nothing I could do to stop feeling that way. Maybe I'm more of a masochist than I even thought, cause I sometimes seem to enjoy being like shit. This is my pain and embrace it until it destroys me while I keep on saying "this is nothing compare to her hell" and so I carried on, putting my self at the bottom and making it feel cozy.
Our business isn't going far as good as expected, so that's another thing that has been on my back for this couple months and the stress made my condition worst, so yeah, that's extra baggage.
I also might look like a super confident person, but I grew up on my sister's shadow to most of my family (my father's side, never my mum's) so, when the depression hits me, I think I deserve to be like that and deal with it myself, so I don't even talk to my friends about it, not even Matt but, damn, he knows me far too well and cought up straight away. Without him, I wouldn't be here. He was the one to save me back then and still does it.
With this last one, he was patient and understanding till the point he offered me to leave everything behind, go back to Spain and try to make it work there, even though we both know how shit the situation there is. It was that or me getting my shit together, as he knows I can do. It took me a bit to rebuild myself again, gather my heart that was a bit everywhere and grit my teeth. As my mum always said "it's just a matter of keep on walking" but I seemed to forget how to, so I had to go step by step.
Still now, I see things of me that I don't like, that I need to change, but, let's be real... nobody's perfect! So I stopping all that crap of feeling like less, of criticising myself to the bone and move forward. It's about time I let them go. I finally understood that they'll always be by my side and that I don't need to be destroyed to remember them, to keep their memories. Yep, took me long enough, I know, I'm a bit slow.
So, I think that's it, more or less. I know, some of you might think it's not enough of a excuse but, "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" That's the way it is.
Thanks to everyone that sent me messages here or on my instagram with support words or just a lame joke to cheer me up. I might haven't reply yet, but I meant a world that someone that I haven't ever met and probably would never, stopped in their tracks for someone like me. So, yeah, thank you everyone.
Finally back in track, standing in my oen two feets and ready to swallow to world starting by it's toes!
