Hello loves!
As promised, here is the blog explaining where I have been and what has been happening with me. When I last wrote, I was really struggling with my eating. I guess I should continue from there.
As you know, I had a hard time eating. Every time I ate I feel an immense sense of dread, disappointment, fear, and guilt. The fear and guilt were the worst part. The fear was that I would gain all the weight I had lost and then some if I ate. The guilt was that I wasn't strong enough to overcome my own hunger pains. As you can imagine, my weight kept dropping and with it so did my mood and over all health. Because I was exercising daily (sometimes twice a day) I started to experience a sharp stabbing pain in my left hip which radiated down my leg and deep into my bum. Because I was running 6 miles a day I assumed it was just runners leg and ignored it. I ignored it for weeks. Each night I would ice it and heat it, ice it heat it, and ice and heat... yada yada yada. I did that until one night I awoke in so much pain that I had to get up and walk around my house just to stretch out my leg. Enough was enough.
I called my general physician and made an appointment. On the day of my appointment I was a nervous wreck. I knew that they would get my vitals and that would include my weight. When they called me back and had me step on the scale the nurse read "108 honey". My eyes got really wide. "You surprised its that low hun?" she asked. "Nope." I replied, "Im surprised its that high.." Her eyes got really wide and she led me into the exam room.
While inside she went over the usual Q&A. I answered every question, until she got to the part about my weight. Idk what happened but I started BAWLING everything came out. This poor nurse. She sat there and listed. She didn't type or write anything down. She just listened. When I was done she handed me a tissue, got down to my level and said, "Baby, were going to get you help. You are here now and you are safe." It was like a wave of calm came over me. Suddenly my fears were silenced and I fully realized what I was doing to my body. The doctor came in to examine me. Because of my "confession" I had a full work-up. When I say full, I mean FULL!! I was poked, prodded, stuck, and turned this way and that.
When the doctor finished drawing the labs and examining me she sat across from me and explained that we would be taxing a few Xrays of my hip to see if there was a break. She then told me that she had made two separate appointments for me. One with an actual hip/foot specialist and one with a psychologist. After they took my hip X-Rays they handed me a long piece of paper with a bunch of "Do's and Do Not's". On the top of the Do Not list... DO NOT RUN OR PUT ACCESS WEIGHT ON THE HIP. FUCK! Once I got home I noticed that I had missed a call from the doctors office. "You need to call me immediately. I have to talk to you about your X-Ray!"... great.
After I called her back I was informed that there was in fact a pretty sizable crack in my hip. Since the fracture was bad enough the specialist wanted to see me sooner than expected. So with a broken hip and strict orders not to run until I saw the specialist, I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I did my best to stay off my leg. Its kinda tricky when your job requires that you walk around a lot. I managed to make it through the day with out my hip hurting. I went into the weekend confident that I could still have fun (It was St.Patricks Day weekend). I couldn't have been more wrong. I spent too much time on my leg at the parade and by 3:00 my hip was done. Bed rest for me. I spent the rest of the weekend on the couch with ice packs on my hip.
Monday I had my appointment with the hip specialist. He wanted more X-rays, ones that included my spine just to make sure that the trouble wasnt coming from my back and being masked by my hip. Once the X-Ray was done it was determined that it wasn't my back (Thank god!). They believe that there is a problem with my tendons and IT band. The only way we can determine what is wrong with my hip is to MRI it. The doctor ordered an MRI for the middle of April and a follow up appointment for the beginning of May. Until then, I am under strict orders not to run.
Not being able to run has thrown me into panic attacks. So, my doctor has started me on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety. Let me tell you, the pills have been a god send. Not only have they calmed me down they have also helped me to realize that food is not my enemy. I have been slowly trying to change my mentality that Strong is the new Skinny. In order to change that mentality I have begun to start a clean eating diet, a weight lifting program, and TRX training. I am finally starting to feel like a person again. My mood is improving and I feel interested in things again. Hopefully, with the help of the psychologist, I can finally kick this thing once and for all.
So, thats whats been going on with me. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long but I needed to take care of my health first. I am so glad to be back. I missed all of you!
XOXO
Queen
