Hey loves!
I am trying SOOOOOOO hard to get better at blogging. I use to be so good at it with the old site but I have faltered when they made the switch. Any who, whose up for a quick update??
This past week was a tough one for me. My boyfriend took me to meet a therapist for my anorexia. It went... ok. I sat there told her how I felt, cried a little, got angry, and then left feeling numb and empty. I have the hardest time putting into words how anorexia makes me feel. It's so hard to describe that I am more comfortable with the feeling of hunger pains than I am with a full tummy. A full tummy makes me feel weak and out of control. Feeling hungry makes me feel powerful and in control (even though I am extremely weak).
They tried to get me to eat a full meal. I was able to finish 3 tacos but I felt like shit after. I hate this destructive monster. I hate not knowing how I let it get this bad. I hate the person it has created. And yet, I have no desire to change out of fear of being unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated. Pretty fucked up.
I know I need to see the therapist again in order to get better. I really don't want to. I know that if I don't the anger, irritability, and disease will eat away at me. I have never been this broken and disappointed in myself.
It's not all bad news tho. The therapist praised me for coming in and said that I am not past help. That made me feel a little bit better. She also told me to start being honest with myself, my friends, and my loved ones. She told me to stop hiding. So, I will. I have been telling family and friends that I am battling anorexia and it feels... good. Its kind of like calling the monster out. However, its kind of a pain in the ass because now everyone and their fucking mother feels the need to force feed me. NOT HELPING!!
Any who, Thank you everyone for helping me with this long and uber rocky road. There are a few things in life that still make me happy and give me hope. SG is one of them. You are all my second family and I love each and everyone of you unconditionally. I am ashamed of the monster inside of me and I am trying so hard not to let her show. I appreciate those of you who have PM'd me with words of encouragement and love. It silences Mz. Hyde (thats what I call her) and helps me recover that much faster.
I love you all.
XOXO
Q
