Why 2006 is going to start kicking ass....after today.
1. I plan to drink less beer and start Yoga with the goal of one day being able to lick my own elbow.
2. After I marry my twaffle, we will adopt fourteen kids from various provinces and small villages, ultimately creating our own nation and calling it The Concur Nation.
3. I will learn to juggle steak knives and bandage my wounds using my feet.
4. Peanut Butter Jelly Time will shed five pounds and take up scuba-diving.
5. President Bush will decide that the game of "President" is no longer any fun and will leave office disgracefully as he chases a squirrel around the capitol building. Dick Cheney will reveal himself to be a really ugly woman. The American people will grow so sick of politics that when the few remaining members of the Manson family move into the White House, nobody really notices.
6. Tom Delay will overdose on Skittles and spend the rest of his days pooping art-collages and selling them on Myspace.
7. Howard the Duck will be rereleased to theatres and this time the fucking Academy will realize what a gem it is. It will snag the Oscar for Best Picture just narrowly beating out Big Momma's House 2 and Final Destination 18.
8. I will publish my second book to much acclaim and have my life-story made into a movie. I will tell Brad Pitt that although our physical resemblence is quite obvious, he just cannot have the part. I will suggest John Waters, or the midget from Willy Wonka. The flick will go straight to DVD and sell less copies than Big Momma's House 3.
9. My other testicle will drop and I will start talking like Darth Vader--minus the wheezing and echo.
10. I will start a deathmetal/kazoo band and call ourselves the WickedDeadlyZenMasters...beeeeeeeeeeeeeotch.
11. I will eat 409 burritos before 2007.
12. I will learn French.
13. Around July, it will drop to freezing temperatures in Houston.
14. My landlord will randomly come into my apartment, only to catch me watching Desperate Housewives and squirting Silly-String on my nipples. I will be evicted, but welcomed back with open arms after they realize that my letter-writing campaign singlehandedly brought Howard the Duck back into theatres.
15. It will be discovered that Mitch Hedberg is not really dead.
16. It will be discovered that Larry the Cable Guy is.
17. I will meet everyone on my friend's list in person and give them gifts of chocolate and smiles.
Horray for the '06.
1. I plan to drink less beer and start Yoga with the goal of one day being able to lick my own elbow.
2. After I marry my twaffle, we will adopt fourteen kids from various provinces and small villages, ultimately creating our own nation and calling it The Concur Nation.
3. I will learn to juggle steak knives and bandage my wounds using my feet.
4. Peanut Butter Jelly Time will shed five pounds and take up scuba-diving.
5. President Bush will decide that the game of "President" is no longer any fun and will leave office disgracefully as he chases a squirrel around the capitol building. Dick Cheney will reveal himself to be a really ugly woman. The American people will grow so sick of politics that when the few remaining members of the Manson family move into the White House, nobody really notices.
6. Tom Delay will overdose on Skittles and spend the rest of his days pooping art-collages and selling them on Myspace.
7. Howard the Duck will be rereleased to theatres and this time the fucking Academy will realize what a gem it is. It will snag the Oscar for Best Picture just narrowly beating out Big Momma's House 2 and Final Destination 18.
8. I will publish my second book to much acclaim and have my life-story made into a movie. I will tell Brad Pitt that although our physical resemblence is quite obvious, he just cannot have the part. I will suggest John Waters, or the midget from Willy Wonka. The flick will go straight to DVD and sell less copies than Big Momma's House 3.
9. My other testicle will drop and I will start talking like Darth Vader--minus the wheezing and echo.
10. I will start a deathmetal/kazoo band and call ourselves the WickedDeadlyZenMasters...beeeeeeeeeeeeeotch.
11. I will eat 409 burritos before 2007.
12. I will learn French.
13. Around July, it will drop to freezing temperatures in Houston.
14. My landlord will randomly come into my apartment, only to catch me watching Desperate Housewives and squirting Silly-String on my nipples. I will be evicted, but welcomed back with open arms after they realize that my letter-writing campaign singlehandedly brought Howard the Duck back into theatres.
15. It will be discovered that Mitch Hedberg is not really dead.
16. It will be discovered that Larry the Cable Guy is.
17. I will meet everyone on my friend's list in person and give them gifts of chocolate and smiles.
Horray for the '06.
VIEW 25 of 25 COMMENTS
testykitten:
can i also lick your elbow?
red_vinyl:
mitch hedberg isn't dead? is he jesus?