I really feel like ranting today. Here is something I am extremely peeved about, perhaps someone could put it in perspective for me.
First a little background info....since I work in technology (and have since I was 18 and worked for IBM) I have always worked with a significantly larger portion of guys than girls and also many of my hobbies and persuits are things that traditionally guys are into (or very cool girls who I am lucky to know) and so it stands to reason that many of my friends are guys. This is both a great and extremely problematic situation. Anyhoo, usually I am great friends with a guy until he gets a girl or gets married and then I don't hear from them until they break up or divorce, etc. That's okay with me.
This one good friend of mine I met when we worked together had he had a very nice (and cute) wife and I was friends with both of them, although I talked to him more because we worked together, but would go out with her and whatnot which I found to be a lot of fun. Anyhoo long story short, she was having an affair behind his back, got caught, they went through a nasy divorce (kid involved), etc. During that time he had a really rough time super depressed and all of it and I was always there for him would drop everything to have coffee if he asked, talk for hours, at all hours, whatever it was and NEVER once during that whole time did I let anything even the least bit inappropriate happen or anything that was not purely platonic nor would I have since I valued his long-term friendship and didn't have a romantic interest in him.
Okay so then when things starting going better from him and I got another job I heard less and less from him, but we still kept in touch. Since he has been into boats and fishing for a long time, when I bought a new boat a little while ago, I called him to tell him about it and send him pics of the boat, and we started chatting on-line every once in awhile when he would ping me. He would tell me how well things were going with his new wife and I was very glad for him for sure that things were going better this time it seemed. Well I was having some difficulties of my own at the time with the opposite sex and was kinda upset about it and we talked about that mainly because he kinda knew where I was coming from. We met for lunch one day and that was good I thought, still me thinking we are friends and nothing else and not wanting anything else.
So the next day I get this email from him:
"I had a revelation last night.....[random chit chat]....OK, back to my revelation. I want to help, but I realize I have limits. You mention that you've had guys as friends and when a girl comes along you lose contact with them. Part of that is understandable for me. I am guy. I know how my mind works. If I hang out with you alone, my mind goes places it doesn't need to go. I hope this makes sense. I'm just being honest. Anyway, I'm not that great on giving advice. My counselor, who is a woman, is awesome. I saw her after my divorce. If you want her info, I can get it for you. I hope this makes sense. If we are going to do anything together, I am much more comfortable with it being with my family.
Thank you too for [generally being there for] me when I was in so much pain. Sorry about the email."
Now I am thinking WTF?????!!!!
If I had not have heard from him again until his next divorce or whatever that would have been just fine and I am not one to persue people, friends or otherwise, so I wouldn't have persued his friendship either (he knows this), so why the fucking email?...talk to my counselor if you need to talk, don't want to see you alone...etc. Very confused. I contemplated flaming him back that his eMail was completely unnecessary I had no intention of expecting anything from him and about all the times I was there for him all hours of the day and night and he has to give me this bullshit for no good reason and it wasn't even me who suggested lunch, etc., but I just dropped it altogether and have not talked to him since or responded to any eMail or IM but it has still been bothering me.
Just my wounded pride? Or do you think I am right to be pissed? At any rate I am sure I should make like the Buddhists and practice compassion or some such, but seriously, I'm peeved.
First a little background info....since I work in technology (and have since I was 18 and worked for IBM) I have always worked with a significantly larger portion of guys than girls and also many of my hobbies and persuits are things that traditionally guys are into (or very cool girls who I am lucky to know) and so it stands to reason that many of my friends are guys. This is both a great and extremely problematic situation. Anyhoo, usually I am great friends with a guy until he gets a girl or gets married and then I don't hear from them until they break up or divorce, etc. That's okay with me.
This one good friend of mine I met when we worked together had he had a very nice (and cute) wife and I was friends with both of them, although I talked to him more because we worked together, but would go out with her and whatnot which I found to be a lot of fun. Anyhoo long story short, she was having an affair behind his back, got caught, they went through a nasy divorce (kid involved), etc. During that time he had a really rough time super depressed and all of it and I was always there for him would drop everything to have coffee if he asked, talk for hours, at all hours, whatever it was and NEVER once during that whole time did I let anything even the least bit inappropriate happen or anything that was not purely platonic nor would I have since I valued his long-term friendship and didn't have a romantic interest in him.
Okay so then when things starting going better from him and I got another job I heard less and less from him, but we still kept in touch. Since he has been into boats and fishing for a long time, when I bought a new boat a little while ago, I called him to tell him about it and send him pics of the boat, and we started chatting on-line every once in awhile when he would ping me. He would tell me how well things were going with his new wife and I was very glad for him for sure that things were going better this time it seemed. Well I was having some difficulties of my own at the time with the opposite sex and was kinda upset about it and we talked about that mainly because he kinda knew where I was coming from. We met for lunch one day and that was good I thought, still me thinking we are friends and nothing else and not wanting anything else.
So the next day I get this email from him:
"I had a revelation last night.....[random chit chat]....OK, back to my revelation. I want to help, but I realize I have limits. You mention that you've had guys as friends and when a girl comes along you lose contact with them. Part of that is understandable for me. I am guy. I know how my mind works. If I hang out with you alone, my mind goes places it doesn't need to go. I hope this makes sense. I'm just being honest. Anyway, I'm not that great on giving advice. My counselor, who is a woman, is awesome. I saw her after my divorce. If you want her info, I can get it for you. I hope this makes sense. If we are going to do anything together, I am much more comfortable with it being with my family.
Thank you too for [generally being there for] me when I was in so much pain. Sorry about the email."
Now I am thinking WTF?????!!!!
If I had not have heard from him again until his next divorce or whatever that would have been just fine and I am not one to persue people, friends or otherwise, so I wouldn't have persued his friendship either (he knows this), so why the fucking email?...talk to my counselor if you need to talk, don't want to see you alone...etc. Very confused. I contemplated flaming him back that his eMail was completely unnecessary I had no intention of expecting anything from him and about all the times I was there for him all hours of the day and night and he has to give me this bullshit for no good reason and it wasn't even me who suggested lunch, etc., but I just dropped it altogether and have not talked to him since or responded to any eMail or IM but it has still been bothering me.
Just my wounded pride? Or do you think I am right to be pissed? At any rate I am sure I should make like the Buddhists and practice compassion or some such, but seriously, I'm peeved.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
if he is having problems with his current wife, then he is going to be conflicted and confused. I wouldn't be surprised if he has had fantasies about being with you. That would skew his perception of your boundries, and your response is justified. I think that it would be good for you two to talk about what's going on and clarify your feelings and expectations.
Then again, you could just wait until he is devorced again to catch up.
That's all of the psycobabble I can spare. The rest I am saving for myself.
cheers
Anyone who knows me for any length of time would tell you this is against type. I am desperately trying to be practical for once in my life. It takes money to raise kids, as you well know I am sure.