Quick addition to add pics:
Aren't we cute?
New Falls
Got blonde clip-in extensions too. I'd like to actually dye my hair. But work has some stupid rules about that sort of thing. Oh well. Have to live with fake streaks for now.
and a Caesar pic, just cuz I can.
I've got itunes on shuffle. What am i listening to now? "I Do the Rock" by Tim Curry.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE!!!!!
I've gone weeks without one, but I am so stressed today. AURGH!
ANyway,
I found out my friend Jill is cutting herself again. It was a habit of hers back in Highschool, turns out she is doing it again. I really shouldn't be suprised. I mean, she is 25 years old and on disability for bipolar disorder. It just really fucking makes me mad. I have been dealing with her shit for more than 10 years. I used to fell sorry for her. But not anymore. She doesn't work she doesnt go to school, she is on more antidepressants than anyone in history. Her poor husband has to deal with all of this (although, he knew she was crazy when he married her, so he shouldn't be suprised). It just makes me angry. She is always complaining that her life is so bad. Her parents won't help her. Ummm hello? My parents are crazy yet I still manage. (sorry, dad, but it is true). Jill complains that she was date raped back in college. And her parents divorce was traumatic. Well, yeah, all that sucks. But my life has been a thousand times worse than hers, and I still manage to have a job and a life.
The last conversation I had with Jill went something like this...
Jill: Why don't we ever hang out anymore?
Me: I don't know, I've been really busy with work.
Jill: You still find time to hang out with Amy. (pause) You just don't like me, is that it? What did I ever do to you? (she goes on whining for about twenty minutes)
Me: You really want to know?
Jill: yes, tell me the truth.
Me: It's not that I don't like you. You are one of the most talented people I've ever met (she is an AMAZING poet and artist). It is just that my biggest fear in life is BECOMING you.
Jill: I don't understand.
Me: My biggest fear in life is becoming you. I would rather die than let myself become as useless and pathetic as you are now. I never want to give in to depression like you have. That is why I can't see you. Becuase it terrifies me that I know I could so easily turn into you. I fought so hard to come out of my depression, and you have just settled into yours. You are hopeless, you don't even try to get better. And justsurvivng is a day to day battle for me. It always will be. But at least I am trying. Even when I wake up screaming from the flashbacks, even when I start crying randomly at work, I still have hope that someday there will come a point when I DON'T think about it. One night when I don't dream about it. And that will never happen if I am around you.
(by this point Jill is sobbing uncontrollably, runs to the bathroom to cut herself or take some pills, or whatever she does now). I left. her husband was there to babysit her.
Anyway, I have decided to cut her off. I just can no longer deal with it. She has let herself become a victim. I am a survivor. Everyday I get a little better, and being around her only makes me worse.
Anyway, I got new dread falls, I will post pics when I get the chance. Got to go. It's my day off and the pile of luandry is now bigger than the bed, and there is a sinkful of dishes to do.
Bye all.
Sorry for my rant, I just had to vent.
Aren't we cute?
New Falls
Got blonde clip-in extensions too. I'd like to actually dye my hair. But work has some stupid rules about that sort of thing. Oh well. Have to live with fake streaks for now.
and a Caesar pic, just cuz I can.
I've got itunes on shuffle. What am i listening to now? "I Do the Rock" by Tim Curry.
--------------------------------------------------------------
I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE!!!!!
I've gone weeks without one, but I am so stressed today. AURGH!
ANyway,
I found out my friend Jill is cutting herself again. It was a habit of hers back in Highschool, turns out she is doing it again. I really shouldn't be suprised. I mean, she is 25 years old and on disability for bipolar disorder. It just really fucking makes me mad. I have been dealing with her shit for more than 10 years. I used to fell sorry for her. But not anymore. She doesn't work she doesnt go to school, she is on more antidepressants than anyone in history. Her poor husband has to deal with all of this (although, he knew she was crazy when he married her, so he shouldn't be suprised). It just makes me angry. She is always complaining that her life is so bad. Her parents won't help her. Ummm hello? My parents are crazy yet I still manage. (sorry, dad, but it is true). Jill complains that she was date raped back in college. And her parents divorce was traumatic. Well, yeah, all that sucks. But my life has been a thousand times worse than hers, and I still manage to have a job and a life.
The last conversation I had with Jill went something like this...
Jill: Why don't we ever hang out anymore?
Me: I don't know, I've been really busy with work.
Jill: You still find time to hang out with Amy. (pause) You just don't like me, is that it? What did I ever do to you? (she goes on whining for about twenty minutes)
Me: You really want to know?
Jill: yes, tell me the truth.
Me: It's not that I don't like you. You are one of the most talented people I've ever met (she is an AMAZING poet and artist). It is just that my biggest fear in life is BECOMING you.
Jill: I don't understand.
Me: My biggest fear in life is becoming you. I would rather die than let myself become as useless and pathetic as you are now. I never want to give in to depression like you have. That is why I can't see you. Becuase it terrifies me that I know I could so easily turn into you. I fought so hard to come out of my depression, and you have just settled into yours. You are hopeless, you don't even try to get better. And justsurvivng is a day to day battle for me. It always will be. But at least I am trying. Even when I wake up screaming from the flashbacks, even when I start crying randomly at work, I still have hope that someday there will come a point when I DON'T think about it. One night when I don't dream about it. And that will never happen if I am around you.
(by this point Jill is sobbing uncontrollably, runs to the bathroom to cut herself or take some pills, or whatever she does now). I left. her husband was there to babysit her.
Anyway, I have decided to cut her off. I just can no longer deal with it. She has let herself become a victim. I am a survivor. Everyday I get a little better, and being around her only makes me worse.
Anyway, I got new dread falls, I will post pics when I get the chance. Got to go. It's my day off and the pile of luandry is now bigger than the bed, and there is a sinkful of dishes to do.
Bye all.
Sorry for my rant, I just had to vent.
rebel_rebel:
speaking of "why dont we hang out anymore", we should hang out sometime! there needs to be another party event soon. also, i miss my caesar.