pyrhhus

I want to be social, I really do. One could even argue that in a college environment I don't have a choice in the matter. All the same, I'm a 22 year-old freshman living amongst upper class men with well-formed social networks or freshmen who are still adjusting to life away from home, especially the availability of alcohol and the notion it might be OK to hang out with people four years older than they. But I do want friends, I do want people who enjoy my company, people who would call me if they were doing something. And I understand that before that can happen I need to put myself out there, I need to convince these people that I enjoy THEIR company. I suppose I'm just a selfish impatient arrogant asshole. I make judgments about people very quickly; others do not. What stops me then from putting myself out there is a massive lack of confidence coupled with the fact that I enjoy being alone. It is the comfort of the familiar, it is how I have lived for the past 3 years and old habits die hard. And I know it's only half-way through the semester and I know this sounds a whole hell of a lot like teenage angst and I know I have started way too many of these sentences with conjunctions, but that's just the way it is. It is teenage angst. High school was way too easy on all levels - socially, academically, financially - and so I never learned what everyone else seems to have learned because I never had to. It took me 2 years of sitting on my ass and another of 40+ hr/wk hard labor to learn the financial lesson, and the academic will take more than just this semester let me tell you. The social one seems more pressing though. I feel as if I'm on a timer, that if I don't get in a group or close to someone or have a large enough number of reasonably good friends by the time the carriage turns back into a pumpkin then that's it, game over, welcome to the life of the forever alone. Oh, I and can mix metaphors whenever I damn well please. That's not even the best part, here's the kicker: I will not let anyone help. Period. I am ashamed to admit I may need help because if I got help and others found out, because it's hard to hide social help, then everyone would know, and I've got some sense of autonomy that is blown way out of proportion. It's like these entries. I want to write them because I want to say to the world, "Hello, this is me." but I can never show this to anyone because they might express sympathy or worse think that I am asking them to express sympathy. So I guess the hope is that someone stumbles on it accidentally that way I get the sympathy without asking for it, but I guess I've just blown that. I only know how to be two things: astoundingly arrogant and startlingly insecure. Neither make for positive social interaction, so in a way I'm better off being a loner. By having no social interaction with anyone they all just think of me what they will according to their own predispositions, which is better than if I talked to them and alienated everyone. And I still refuse help. "Hey, we're going to be here so you should come." Of course I don't, and that harms the relationship I have with everyone there who noticed my absence (not many, I'm not THAT arrogant), and the people who know I was invited. Or maybe people are nicer than that. I have very little faith in people though, but that mostly stems from having very little faith in myself.

I'll tell ya though. I have spent the last 5 years squashing my emotions, impulses, and desires so when the chips are down, the shit hits the fan, and everything's crazy, I'm your man. That might part of it though. I am prepared for the worst and thus unprepared for anything else. Hmmmmm.