pyratwilly

Breaks down like this: Work, Movie binge / Donnie Darko, Friends, Enemies, Tired, Hostility / Depression, Lyric, Appendix

Work- So here I am again, having made it to a weekend off. Work is slipping a little more into madness each day. Paperwork went from bad to worse, it won't be long now before we're in "Brazil" territory. Work is making me discover things about myself that I don't like, but I'll cover that more later. Enough. Work sucks, not much more I can say than that. I won't be truly happy until I get that job being a professional backrub licensing agent.

Movie Binge / Donnie Darko- I rented a whole slew of movies the other night, and they got progressively better as I went along, culminating with Donnie Darko. I know why I liked the movie, and I think all I can say is that I identify with Donnie's part in that movie in ways that most of you will never comprehend. I guess the only reason I'm talking about it here is because it kind of shook me up. To be honest, it really shook me up. I really wish that movie had been around and I had seen it back when I was in junior high / high school. It would have helped just to know that someone at least managed to write something similar to what I was going through, even if they hadn't lived it themselves. Other movies not really worth commenting on, but I will anyway. Transporter - sucked. Real Women Have Curves - cute. Trite, but cute. 8 Mile - surprisingly good, but then it just ended. Lazy asses. Donnie Darko - I'm buying this one, and watching it a lot more.

Friends- All my friends seem to have their own demons to deal with right now, whether it's significant other troubles, job, money, grad school, college, etc. Makes my shit seem insignificant. I feel for all of them.

Enemies- Growing at an alarming rate, both in number and power. I feel like Im trying to exterminate an infestation. For every roach I kill, there are 10 more behind the walls and in the woodwork that I dont see. And their strength grows with time, whereas I just get frustrated with fighting. And then consider if the world were being run by these roaches, and some people are roaches and dont even know it yet, or are leaving food around to encourage the roaches, even though they think they are helping fight the war against the roaches. Theyre just stupid and careless. Enough, Ive already carried this metaphor way too far.

Tired- If any or all of this seems like garbage, it is. Ive been awake for 24 hours and Im really quite tired.

Hostility / Depression- I mentioned this before. Work is bringing out feelings in me that I dont like. Im discovering a rage that borders on becoming hatred. I know theyre kids, and cant be held responsible for everything they do, but some days when I know theyre doing things to test me.it really gets to me. There was one kid in particular this morning I think he got to me because I was honestly trying to do him a favor, and he spit it right back at me. I think that if I knew there werent going to be any negative repercussions coming my way, I would have hit the kid. And I dont mean an appropriate spanking. I mean I would have closed-fist-to-the-trachea-with-all-the-force-I-could-muster hit him. Im not cut out to work with little kids. Im starting to sympathize with some of the parents who did hit their kids. Im not saying its right, but I can understand what drove them to it.
Go figure, Ive been laughing at the most inappropriate things lately.

Heres a good summary of how Im feeling (Mad World by Tears for Fears, but I dont like their version, I am enamored currently with the Gary Jules cover that was in Donnie Darko):

All around me are familiar faces: worn-out places, worn-out faces;
Bright and early for the daily races: going nowhere, going nowhere;
The tears are filling up their glasses: no expression, no expression;
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow: no tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which Im dying are the best Ive ever had.
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take.
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good: happy birthday, happy birthday;
And I feel the way that every child should: sit and listen, sit and listen;
Went to school and I was very nervous: no one knew me, no one knew me;
Hello teacher, tell me whats my lesson? Look right through me, look right through me.

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which Im dying are the best Ive ever had.
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take.
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad World

Thanks to everybody who has talked to me / commented. It helps a lot.

Appendix -

Due to some of the recent comments - nevermind anything I said about Donnie Darko - I clearly need to see it again. I may have completely missed the point. Or maybe I'm a genius and everyone else is wrong.

Another thing- this entry was written under what could be called duress. I.E. I was very tired, somewhat angry, and in a generally bad mood. For that matter I still am. So, nothing's changed. I'm using this journal as a place to vent when I need to. You don't like it, don't read it. Hopefully this reaches whoever might be offended before any legal action is necessary. That said, FTW.

--N.