Welcome to the wonderful world of rehab. It's a trip folks, and I'm just getting started.
Work is fun. Relationships aren't. Money is still in short supply. Our neighbor is an asshole. Louise and Rudy are cool. I'm going to miss BigDirtyS and MistressXXV and JuraSic.
I went to the first AA meeting I've ever been to - not as an addict, but just observing as I was working. It really is amazing - for as much shit as the guys talk on the way in about how they're only there to look at some fine-ass pussy (their words, not mine) they're getting something out of it that holds some kind of therapeutic value. I'm starting to understand why the main character in fight club gets off on them. When people can truly empathize, they do listen differently, and it's such an unquestioningly nurturing environment.
Palahniuk once said that his favorite book to write was Fugitives and Refugees because instead of writing, he got to just go listen to people tell him these incredible true stories. After working with children that told me horrific stories of abuse and neglect, and now only vaguely imagining what I'm going to hear from the clients at work, I can see why he said that. Truth is really stranger than fiction - as well as more terrifying, more poignant, more shocking, more fun, and more genuine. However there are and will be more stories I wish I could forget. Ignorance can be bliss.
The closest thing Ive ever had, can ever hope for, and will likely ever have to a brother observed the other night that there seem to be a lot more people around who simply need to be punched in the face. Pain-in-the-ass clingy people, annoying drunks, the list goes on. Thats goddamn right.
Another illusion spoiled by truth, another mirage vanishes to leave only the harsh reality. Another hope annihilated by common sense, another dream fleeting to begin with, brought to an abrupt screeching halt by the alarm that brings you back to the waking world. I am learning slowly more slowly than Id like that expectations are really only assumptions. And assumptions truly are the mother of all fuck-ups. I cannot keep myself from having expectations or assumptions I can only hope that I get better at controlling my reactions to having my expectations let down, my assumptions righted.
All you really need for something to be shocking is a willing audience. Funnily enough, thats also all you need for something to be funny. Or approved of.
My mood is strange at moment that thing Ive been waiting for has finally happened so I think I should feel happy all the ducks are in a row now, but Im strangely sad and angry. All my shits together finally, and it feels like its been so long but something feels unfinished. Part of me wants to just go crazy and destroy something beautiful. Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry. Part of me wants to scream when will it all end? but I havent a clue what it is. All I can say is for now Im giving up. Ive read, edited, re-read, gotten a second opinion, and re-edited, re-written this entry many times across the last two days. Im just going to post it. Then Im going to go have some ice cream, maybe some more of Requiem for A Dream and hopefully fall asleep.
Work is fun. Relationships aren't. Money is still in short supply. Our neighbor is an asshole. Louise and Rudy are cool. I'm going to miss BigDirtyS and MistressXXV and JuraSic.
I went to the first AA meeting I've ever been to - not as an addict, but just observing as I was working. It really is amazing - for as much shit as the guys talk on the way in about how they're only there to look at some fine-ass pussy (their words, not mine) they're getting something out of it that holds some kind of therapeutic value. I'm starting to understand why the main character in fight club gets off on them. When people can truly empathize, they do listen differently, and it's such an unquestioningly nurturing environment.
Palahniuk once said that his favorite book to write was Fugitives and Refugees because instead of writing, he got to just go listen to people tell him these incredible true stories. After working with children that told me horrific stories of abuse and neglect, and now only vaguely imagining what I'm going to hear from the clients at work, I can see why he said that. Truth is really stranger than fiction - as well as more terrifying, more poignant, more shocking, more fun, and more genuine. However there are and will be more stories I wish I could forget. Ignorance can be bliss.
The closest thing Ive ever had, can ever hope for, and will likely ever have to a brother observed the other night that there seem to be a lot more people around who simply need to be punched in the face. Pain-in-the-ass clingy people, annoying drunks, the list goes on. Thats goddamn right.
Another illusion spoiled by truth, another mirage vanishes to leave only the harsh reality. Another hope annihilated by common sense, another dream fleeting to begin with, brought to an abrupt screeching halt by the alarm that brings you back to the waking world. I am learning slowly more slowly than Id like that expectations are really only assumptions. And assumptions truly are the mother of all fuck-ups. I cannot keep myself from having expectations or assumptions I can only hope that I get better at controlling my reactions to having my expectations let down, my assumptions righted.
All you really need for something to be shocking is a willing audience. Funnily enough, thats also all you need for something to be funny. Or approved of.
My mood is strange at moment that thing Ive been waiting for has finally happened so I think I should feel happy all the ducks are in a row now, but Im strangely sad and angry. All my shits together finally, and it feels like its been so long but something feels unfinished. Part of me wants to just go crazy and destroy something beautiful. Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry. Part of me wants to scream when will it all end? but I havent a clue what it is. All I can say is for now Im giving up. Ive read, edited, re-read, gotten a second opinion, and re-edited, re-written this entry many times across the last two days. Im just going to post it. Then Im going to go have some ice cream, maybe some more of Requiem for A Dream and hopefully fall asleep.