pyratwilly

So I find myself, again, as it always ends up - alone, quiet watching the best our culture has to offer and trying to make sense of it as it pertains to my life.

I'm really down at moment. Things are not turning out as I had planned. It's ok when plans go wrong, but I had built this up so much in my head - it's somewhat akin to getting to heaven and finding out that it's a doctor's waiting room. Makes me wonder if leaving at all was really such a great idea. I'm not so sure as I once was. Of course, I cover this with constant lies. When I hear from people at home, and they ask how I am, I say great. I say I'm having a wonderful time. Couldn't ask for more. Lies. And yet I hold on, hoping that this too shall pass. There's a Japanese scroll painting in my room that translates roughly to: "Tolerate a litte while, all shall be well. Take a step backward, breathing space looms larger." I read it every day now, and simply hope whoever wrote it was right.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes a person fundamentally good or bad. I think there is such a thing as a flat-out bad person. I've met them too much to not think that. There is such a thing as a bad seed. Some kids are simply born bad/evil/wrong/ whatever else you want to call it. And they grow up to do terrible things. Yes there are horrific things that often happen to them like abuse and neglect, but this also happens to other kids and they don't become monsters. I possess certain character traits that one often finds in a bad person - I am an asshole, when it comes to conversation, and my mannerisms are abrupt, brusque, and more than occasionally, downright mean. But I don't consider myself a bad person. I do most of what I do in jest, or because I think it needs to be done for truth's sake. Very rarely do I act maliciously without reason. But lately that impulse is there. I can feel it growing like a cancer within me - gradually getting larger, stronger, taking over cells that were innocent before. Occasionally something feeds it and it has a growth spurt. Other times, I have good days and it seems to go into remission. But it never disappears. I wonder when I'm going to snap and just all-out destroy something or worse - someone. Maybe never. Maybe tomorrow. I'm starting to learn what feeds it, and what sends it into remission, and attempt to limit the presence of enablers in my life. But it is not that easy. Perhaps at the core, this is what life is, simply controlling your environment as best you can so that you can survive peacefully.

Johnny Cash and John Ritter died. I can't say as I'm going to miss John Ritter much, although I did enjoy that movie he did Stay Tuned and he did well in Sling Blade too. It'll be neat to see how the comedy writers try to cope with sudden death in that sitcom of his. Johnny Cash I'm not going to say much about - I think the nin.com site said all that needed to be said.

I've been watching movies I hadn't seen before - I watched Meph's copies of Henry Rollins' Talking from the Box and Titus. Both were really great (understatement of the century) and made me do a fair amount of thinking. And damn it, I'm going to have to reread Titus Andronicus now. Rollins' story about the death of Joe Cole was really heartbreaking. I think that's the youngest I've ever seen Rollins and between the Joe Cole story and the brief mentions of his parents' behavior, I have new respect for that man. He may someday yet claim the spot of toughest motherfucker I know of. But not yet.

But yeah, I'm basically on my own and bored for the next day or two here - so if you're bored too, and feel like going out and doing something, or even just feel like coming over and watching one of our many eclectic DVDs on a kick-ass entertainment system drop me an email - or just call me if you already have my number.

Hope everybody out there in SG-land is doing well. Really. I have no enemies here, so I hope you are all well.

L & S,

-NSE