--This is my rambling diatribe of venting my emotions- and trying to be as poignant as Rollins once was - ignore this and I'll be back to my normal bile-spitting self in a day or two. --PW

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A day seems fun and effortless, things look up until your realize that day was simply usurped. Not that it was a bad day, but you had plans for that day. And those plans vanished like cigarettes in a prison. Certainly you had more fun that day than was planned, all you had planned to do was hang up some posters, get some insurance, and work more on the ever-present job hunt. But those things needed to be done. And this is one more day when they're not. One more day when you spent money you should have saved. One more day in the red. One more day when you spent money when you should have been trying to earn it.

A day spent explaining yourself when all you wanted to do was be yourself. A day spent with others when all you wanted to do was be alone. A day spent explaining and sticking up for others who are perfectly capable of defending themselves - but not if they're only talked about behind their back.

A day spent babysitting when you just wanted to get some of that daily run-of-the-mill shit done for yourself. Babysitting an adult. Babysitting that person who looks on you as an inferior. Babysitting that person you know you're better than. The one you know you're stronger than, but won't say so, because why get into a battle with someone who won't understand?

Last night you promised yourself that you were through taking shit. You weren't going to be made a fool of any longer. You were through pampering others at your own expense. Then you went and did it all fucking day. Don't you feel like an ass now? Don't you feel powerless, weak and used? Don't you just want to scream at them to leave you the fuck alone? You don't want to be their pal, not their buddy, not their third wheel. You are fine with being alone. You've been alone before. You're strong enough to weather being alone again. But dear Christ don't let them ask you to be a pal. You don't want to watch any longer. You'll tolerate it, of course, because that's what civilized people do. But you won't be asked to like it again. No, not this time. You're done being their audience.

Maybe, even worse now, you shared something personal with them. You opened your heart a little. Showed them something that made you vulnerable - something that once made you cry, something that struck a chord. And they laughed at it. They asked stupid questions. They cried crocodile tears for you, they lent a sympathetic ear, but a deaf heart.

Yeah, you had fun during the day, but then at night the pain returned - stronger now, because you spent all day unwittingly feeding it. But now that you're alone again, you can't pretend any longer. No lying when you're looking yourself in the eye. Because you will never buy the bullshit you try to feed others. So now it's just you and the pain again- alone. They leave you to resolve again; resolve to take no more shit, to not pamper them any longer at your expense, to not be their audience, to not be a pal, to be true to yourself, to not be a third wheel, to not babysit, to not waste another precious day, to not let them in ever again. So you resolve all that again - only to wake up the next day and break all your resolutions in the first hour. Everyday is New Year's - you're always making resolutions and not keeping them. Because you're just too nice to them. You don't want to hurt them. You want to get along with them. You don't want to rock the boat. But they're sinking the boat under you. They are hurting you. And you'll take it for another day - because, hey, it's gotta stop sometime right?


It stops when the boat sinks, and you drown trying to save them - they live, at the expense of your death. Who are they? They are called parasites. They will chew you to death from the inside out. Bleed you dry. Leave you a useless husk of what you once were capable of being.

ftw