I don't know why I am posting this because I know no one will read it. If you are confused as to why I am posting this go back and read my last blog. This is a letter I wrote to L a week after she broke up with me. All of the names have been changed to initials.
4/18/2012
Dearest L,
When we first met it is true, I was going through some stuff. I myself was not ready for a relationship. B had asked me over to go to Mag Bar with her and some friends for Fat Tuesday to help take my mind off of things. I still remember seeing you for the first time. You were wearing your moccasin style boots, with your capri jeans tucked into them with that colorful hoodie with all the slashes in the front, and you had your hair pulled back in a ponytail. I remember thinking how adorable you lokked. I still remember how we stood out in the rain under that tent, trying to get bits of the mardi gras food. I don't know if you remember, but I remember a couple of times meeting eyes with you that night. I thought that you were beautiful. After we dropped you off B and I talked for a bit and one of the things she brought up was how you thought I was attractive, or in her words you said sexy. I remember how good that made me feel, and how I thought you were sexy too. She told me that you were in no place to be in a relationship though so I steered clear. I still think I added you on facebook that night and told you it was nice to meet you so that when we were ready there was atleast a way we could get in touch with eachother, and I hoped we would.
A few months later Hs birthday party came up. You messaged me on facebook asking for her number so that you could figure out plans and what all was going on with it. I still like to think I was one of the main reasons you wanted to go. Weather that is true or not I don't know. It was a great night, we got to hang out, talk a bit more and listen to drunken H ramble on in the van. I can remember "singing" karaoke on stage at Grouchos and looking out at you and catching your eye. The way you looked back at me made me melt. I wanted to say something about it, or do something about it but I just didn't want to push you in to anything. When I got home that night I had a message from you on facebook that said, "so i'm pretty drunk and you can't hold it against me that i think you're super cute."
Of course I thought the same thing, hell I thought you were more than cute. You had started off by saying you were drunk though and I didn't know if you actually wanted to cross that boundary with me yet or not so I simply responded with, "Well thank you, I am blushing. You're not too bad yourself."
I wanted to say so much more, I wanted to ask you out on a date, or for drinks, anything. A month more or so of chatting and flirting past and you casually asked me to get a beer with you, and shoot some pool. I remember being excited and scared at the same time. I really liked you at that point just from chatting with you from time to time and here we were going to hang out, by ourselves for the first time. I don't know if you saw it as a big step but I did. When we were betting silly stuff on pool games I wanted to bet you for a kiss so badly, but thought you would think that was stupid, or forward. All the passing looks across the pool table, it was driving me crazy. A few days later you met up with me C and S at Nach Bar. I remember seeing you walk in, wearing that dress your sister let you barrow. You looked amazing. I immediately wanted the guys to be gone so it could be just you and I. By the time we got to Groucho's we had gotten very close. You were leaning up against me, practically sitting in my lap at times. I reciprocated by putting my hand on your hip, or around your waist. C started to pick up on the vibe and left us sitting on the bench outside. As soon as he was gone I remember looking at you and thinking this is it, this is the kiss I have been waiting for. I don't recall who made the first move, or if it was just instinct at that point. I would have loved to have known what was going through your head. I say that because I couldn't believe it was happening. It was one of the best kisses I have ever had. It felt like it was a long time coming. We got back to your car and things continued, and then even when you dropped me off at C's things still continued. I didn't want to stop kissing you, and touching you. It was late though, and you had to get home so I went in and crashed on C's couch.
The next morning I woke up wanting to see you, and to this day that feeling has never really gone away. I remember C asking me questions, and him telling me the obvious, "She has a kid, you have to be careful with her." I knew he was right because I had already thought about that. I had to be sure of what I wanted as things progressed. The next day you came over and we "watched" the Holy Grail. I have to say, it was the best sex I have ever had. I felt a spark, a connection instantly. As time went by and weeks passed into a month things were going great. I loved spending time with you and getting to know you and your daughter E. I was falling in love. It didn't take me long to realize that I love you, I had to be careful though. Before I made that kind of a statement I had to make sure I not only loved you but loved E as well. Let's face it, E is adorable and precious, and she is everything. It was not hard to fall in love with her, to love you is to love E. I guess what I really had to be sure of before I made that declaration was that I could handle it. Could I handle being a father figure. If it came to it, could I take on another man's child as my own? It struck me that I would do anything for you and E, and I could see myself not so much trying to be her father but being there as a good man in her life, a father figure.
Time passed by and when I would drop you off we would just sit there and stare at each other. I wanted to tell you I loved you, and I could tell you wanted to say it too. You almost did a couple times but didn't. You explained to me without telling me that you loved me that you were afraid to loose me since you have suffered so much loss. I couldn't promise that nothing would ever happen to me, and it would have been silly to say such a thing. All I could say is that I am safe, and I don't take risks. I do know now as I knew then that I would never leave you or hurt you. There were several instances like that, where you struggled with the words in wanting to say it but not being able to. It finally got to a point where I couldn't hold it in any longer, it was bursting to get out. I can still see your eyes, when I looked down at you in my bed and told you "I love you" the first time. Your eyes got wide and slowly smiled and told me you loved me too. I am getting kinda choked up even typing this. I remember that night saying I loved you several more times just because it felt good to hear you say it back.
From that point on I started forming a strong bond with E. Seeing you with her was one of the most beautiful most pure things ever. I loved waking up and getting playful texts from you playfully saying "where are you?", "get over here". Of course I would rush over because I would get to hang out with you and E. I treasured those times and still do. You would then pack up and go to class and I would usually see you later, and well,... we would do stuff. With that said I really enjoyed both, but not one over the other. They were two completely different kinds of enjoyment but I wouldn't have traded one for the other. When you asked me to go with you so that I could hold E while she got her shots I was honored. I know that sounds silly but I was. I didn't like the fact that the shots hurt her but I liked being there for her and you, and building a bond with her. Which is why I had asked to start picking her up from daycare on Wednesdays. It wasn't really to help out or anything it was because I wanted to hang out with E. I wanted to have more of a bond.
When they spread Ns ashes (Es father) I knew things were going to get rough, and they did. You were going through a lot and well we broke up. I had to make myself understand that you were working through some stuff and that I needed to stand by you and get through it. I remember you telling me that if we could get through that it would make us stronger, and we would be able to get through anything. It was difficult for me as I know it was for you. Maybe without you knowing it, subcutaneously it was partially a test. A test to see if I would stay around. Don't get me wrong, I know there was a lot more to it than just that, but looking back on it, and conversations we have had recently that is a possibility. We got through it though, and things were feeling great and strong.
The ring you gave me for Valentine's day meant so much to me. The thought that was put into it, the inscription, everything. No one has ever given me a gift like that. It meant so much. I love that ring and what it stood for. To me it stood for us, and how we were unbreakable. To me it meant things were back on track, and we had made it out of the woods. Believe it or not I felt a stronger bond with you than before, because you knew that I wasn't going to just leave you, and abandon you when things got tough.
With that said I feel like you have put a lot of pressure and expectations on yourself. Bringing up moving in together, getting married, and so on. Of course I want those things for us some day. That doesn't mean it has to happen right away or that I even want it to. Which is why I never brought any of it up. I had thought you wanted to get a place on your own for a while before moving in with me anyhow. So that you could see that you could do it, that you could be independent. After an undetermined amount of time, six months, a year, two years, maybe longer then we might move in together. Even then we could take things slow before either of us asked the other one to get married. Even still engagements can last years.
What I am getting at is that I know you are young, I know you have a lot of stuff you have to work through right now that you may not want me there for. I know you feel like we were losing our independence, our identities and I think that scared you. I totally understand we were spending too much time together and maybe needed to slow down. Actually no, I know we needed to slow that down. I think that is where a lot of this is coming from. I think you feel, on top of everything else you are dealing with that you may see that being in a relationship has to be all the time. Now I do feel like the feeling of love, and wanting has to be there but with that said it doesn't mean I expect to see you every day. I think we had gotten to that point so that when you said you were doing something different than seeing me it just felt odd to me at the time, and maybe I didn't react properly and made you feel guilty which is something I need to work on. What I am getting at is that you tell me you love me. You tell me you don't see yourself with anyone but me. You tell me you came over all those nights because you enjoyed my company. You tell me you are still attracted to me. You know I treat you and E well, and always will. It really scares me how this break up sounds so final.
I know you don't know the future, I wouldn't expect you too. When I asked you that question about what your intent was that was stupid of me. Of course your intent is to get better and work on yourself. I guess I should have asked you what you wanted. I don't know the future, and I know it is a stupid example but it is the best one I can think of at the moment. I want Obama to be elected to a second term. That may not happen, but it is what I want. Way way stronger than that, way stronger I want us to get back together and have a future together. I really hope that makes more sense to you than asking what your intent is. With everything that you have told me, about loving me, and seeing yourself with me in the future I am holding on to hope. My mom told me that you had told her that I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and that I treat you and E so well. If it is true and that you feel like you don't deserve me that is ridiculous. I think you are letting things in your past effect your mindset because you have never had anything stable. I think it's possible you may feel guilty about things in your past and therefore don't deserve to be with someone good, and stable. You deserve it. With everything you have been through in your life, and the amazing person that you still are in spite of it I want you to know that you deserve it.
If you need some time away from me to clear your head I understand. If you want to continue things at a slower pace, maybe just see each other once or twice a week so you can have time to yourself that is fine too. With what we have been through I don't feel that there is anything that we can't work through. I think there are things that you are going through and are going to be going through that you either don't want me to see or are afraid of me to see. There is nothing you can tell me that would make me think differently of you or change how I feel about you. I understand if you feel like you have to, but you don't have to push me away. I am really just worried not only for us, but for you. If all the things you have told me are true, and that you told my mother are true it would be crazy to throw that away. I know you don't see this as throwing it away. Maybe you don't see it that way because you know I love you, and you know no matter how much you tell me that you don't expect me to wait you know I will. I love you more than anything and will do whatever I have to do to weather this storm so we can find each other on the other side of it.
I love you always,
M
This is the first pic ever taken of us. 6/16/2011
4/18/2012
Dearest L,
When we first met it is true, I was going through some stuff. I myself was not ready for a relationship. B had asked me over to go to Mag Bar with her and some friends for Fat Tuesday to help take my mind off of things. I still remember seeing you for the first time. You were wearing your moccasin style boots, with your capri jeans tucked into them with that colorful hoodie with all the slashes in the front, and you had your hair pulled back in a ponytail. I remember thinking how adorable you lokked. I still remember how we stood out in the rain under that tent, trying to get bits of the mardi gras food. I don't know if you remember, but I remember a couple of times meeting eyes with you that night. I thought that you were beautiful. After we dropped you off B and I talked for a bit and one of the things she brought up was how you thought I was attractive, or in her words you said sexy. I remember how good that made me feel, and how I thought you were sexy too. She told me that you were in no place to be in a relationship though so I steered clear. I still think I added you on facebook that night and told you it was nice to meet you so that when we were ready there was atleast a way we could get in touch with eachother, and I hoped we would.
A few months later Hs birthday party came up. You messaged me on facebook asking for her number so that you could figure out plans and what all was going on with it. I still like to think I was one of the main reasons you wanted to go. Weather that is true or not I don't know. It was a great night, we got to hang out, talk a bit more and listen to drunken H ramble on in the van. I can remember "singing" karaoke on stage at Grouchos and looking out at you and catching your eye. The way you looked back at me made me melt. I wanted to say something about it, or do something about it but I just didn't want to push you in to anything. When I got home that night I had a message from you on facebook that said, "so i'm pretty drunk and you can't hold it against me that i think you're super cute."
Of course I thought the same thing, hell I thought you were more than cute. You had started off by saying you were drunk though and I didn't know if you actually wanted to cross that boundary with me yet or not so I simply responded with, "Well thank you, I am blushing. You're not too bad yourself."
I wanted to say so much more, I wanted to ask you out on a date, or for drinks, anything. A month more or so of chatting and flirting past and you casually asked me to get a beer with you, and shoot some pool. I remember being excited and scared at the same time. I really liked you at that point just from chatting with you from time to time and here we were going to hang out, by ourselves for the first time. I don't know if you saw it as a big step but I did. When we were betting silly stuff on pool games I wanted to bet you for a kiss so badly, but thought you would think that was stupid, or forward. All the passing looks across the pool table, it was driving me crazy. A few days later you met up with me C and S at Nach Bar. I remember seeing you walk in, wearing that dress your sister let you barrow. You looked amazing. I immediately wanted the guys to be gone so it could be just you and I. By the time we got to Groucho's we had gotten very close. You were leaning up against me, practically sitting in my lap at times. I reciprocated by putting my hand on your hip, or around your waist. C started to pick up on the vibe and left us sitting on the bench outside. As soon as he was gone I remember looking at you and thinking this is it, this is the kiss I have been waiting for. I don't recall who made the first move, or if it was just instinct at that point. I would have loved to have known what was going through your head. I say that because I couldn't believe it was happening. It was one of the best kisses I have ever had. It felt like it was a long time coming. We got back to your car and things continued, and then even when you dropped me off at C's things still continued. I didn't want to stop kissing you, and touching you. It was late though, and you had to get home so I went in and crashed on C's couch.
The next morning I woke up wanting to see you, and to this day that feeling has never really gone away. I remember C asking me questions, and him telling me the obvious, "She has a kid, you have to be careful with her." I knew he was right because I had already thought about that. I had to be sure of what I wanted as things progressed. The next day you came over and we "watched" the Holy Grail. I have to say, it was the best sex I have ever had. I felt a spark, a connection instantly. As time went by and weeks passed into a month things were going great. I loved spending time with you and getting to know you and your daughter E. I was falling in love. It didn't take me long to realize that I love you, I had to be careful though. Before I made that kind of a statement I had to make sure I not only loved you but loved E as well. Let's face it, E is adorable and precious, and she is everything. It was not hard to fall in love with her, to love you is to love E. I guess what I really had to be sure of before I made that declaration was that I could handle it. Could I handle being a father figure. If it came to it, could I take on another man's child as my own? It struck me that I would do anything for you and E, and I could see myself not so much trying to be her father but being there as a good man in her life, a father figure.
Time passed by and when I would drop you off we would just sit there and stare at each other. I wanted to tell you I loved you, and I could tell you wanted to say it too. You almost did a couple times but didn't. You explained to me without telling me that you loved me that you were afraid to loose me since you have suffered so much loss. I couldn't promise that nothing would ever happen to me, and it would have been silly to say such a thing. All I could say is that I am safe, and I don't take risks. I do know now as I knew then that I would never leave you or hurt you. There were several instances like that, where you struggled with the words in wanting to say it but not being able to. It finally got to a point where I couldn't hold it in any longer, it was bursting to get out. I can still see your eyes, when I looked down at you in my bed and told you "I love you" the first time. Your eyes got wide and slowly smiled and told me you loved me too. I am getting kinda choked up even typing this. I remember that night saying I loved you several more times just because it felt good to hear you say it back.
From that point on I started forming a strong bond with E. Seeing you with her was one of the most beautiful most pure things ever. I loved waking up and getting playful texts from you playfully saying "where are you?", "get over here". Of course I would rush over because I would get to hang out with you and E. I treasured those times and still do. You would then pack up and go to class and I would usually see you later, and well,... we would do stuff. With that said I really enjoyed both, but not one over the other. They were two completely different kinds of enjoyment but I wouldn't have traded one for the other. When you asked me to go with you so that I could hold E while she got her shots I was honored. I know that sounds silly but I was. I didn't like the fact that the shots hurt her but I liked being there for her and you, and building a bond with her. Which is why I had asked to start picking her up from daycare on Wednesdays. It wasn't really to help out or anything it was because I wanted to hang out with E. I wanted to have more of a bond.
When they spread Ns ashes (Es father) I knew things were going to get rough, and they did. You were going through a lot and well we broke up. I had to make myself understand that you were working through some stuff and that I needed to stand by you and get through it. I remember you telling me that if we could get through that it would make us stronger, and we would be able to get through anything. It was difficult for me as I know it was for you. Maybe without you knowing it, subcutaneously it was partially a test. A test to see if I would stay around. Don't get me wrong, I know there was a lot more to it than just that, but looking back on it, and conversations we have had recently that is a possibility. We got through it though, and things were feeling great and strong.
The ring you gave me for Valentine's day meant so much to me. The thought that was put into it, the inscription, everything. No one has ever given me a gift like that. It meant so much. I love that ring and what it stood for. To me it stood for us, and how we were unbreakable. To me it meant things were back on track, and we had made it out of the woods. Believe it or not I felt a stronger bond with you than before, because you knew that I wasn't going to just leave you, and abandon you when things got tough.
With that said I feel like you have put a lot of pressure and expectations on yourself. Bringing up moving in together, getting married, and so on. Of course I want those things for us some day. That doesn't mean it has to happen right away or that I even want it to. Which is why I never brought any of it up. I had thought you wanted to get a place on your own for a while before moving in with me anyhow. So that you could see that you could do it, that you could be independent. After an undetermined amount of time, six months, a year, two years, maybe longer then we might move in together. Even then we could take things slow before either of us asked the other one to get married. Even still engagements can last years.
What I am getting at is that I know you are young, I know you have a lot of stuff you have to work through right now that you may not want me there for. I know you feel like we were losing our independence, our identities and I think that scared you. I totally understand we were spending too much time together and maybe needed to slow down. Actually no, I know we needed to slow that down. I think that is where a lot of this is coming from. I think you feel, on top of everything else you are dealing with that you may see that being in a relationship has to be all the time. Now I do feel like the feeling of love, and wanting has to be there but with that said it doesn't mean I expect to see you every day. I think we had gotten to that point so that when you said you were doing something different than seeing me it just felt odd to me at the time, and maybe I didn't react properly and made you feel guilty which is something I need to work on. What I am getting at is that you tell me you love me. You tell me you don't see yourself with anyone but me. You tell me you came over all those nights because you enjoyed my company. You tell me you are still attracted to me. You know I treat you and E well, and always will. It really scares me how this break up sounds so final.
I know you don't know the future, I wouldn't expect you too. When I asked you that question about what your intent was that was stupid of me. Of course your intent is to get better and work on yourself. I guess I should have asked you what you wanted. I don't know the future, and I know it is a stupid example but it is the best one I can think of at the moment. I want Obama to be elected to a second term. That may not happen, but it is what I want. Way way stronger than that, way stronger I want us to get back together and have a future together. I really hope that makes more sense to you than asking what your intent is. With everything that you have told me, about loving me, and seeing yourself with me in the future I am holding on to hope. My mom told me that you had told her that I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and that I treat you and E so well. If it is true and that you feel like you don't deserve me that is ridiculous. I think you are letting things in your past effect your mindset because you have never had anything stable. I think it's possible you may feel guilty about things in your past and therefore don't deserve to be with someone good, and stable. You deserve it. With everything you have been through in your life, and the amazing person that you still are in spite of it I want you to know that you deserve it.
If you need some time away from me to clear your head I understand. If you want to continue things at a slower pace, maybe just see each other once or twice a week so you can have time to yourself that is fine too. With what we have been through I don't feel that there is anything that we can't work through. I think there are things that you are going through and are going to be going through that you either don't want me to see or are afraid of me to see. There is nothing you can tell me that would make me think differently of you or change how I feel about you. I understand if you feel like you have to, but you don't have to push me away. I am really just worried not only for us, but for you. If all the things you have told me are true, and that you told my mother are true it would be crazy to throw that away. I know you don't see this as throwing it away. Maybe you don't see it that way because you know I love you, and you know no matter how much you tell me that you don't expect me to wait you know I will. I love you more than anything and will do whatever I have to do to weather this storm so we can find each other on the other side of it.
I love you always,
M
This is the first pic ever taken of us. 6/16/2011
nikonphoto80:
Well I hope you and her can work things out, it sounds like you two are good for one another.
pyrate:
Thanks man, I hope so too.