It is very important to me, that if you are my friend you read this whole entry.I haven't updated lately, because everytime i sit down to try and do an entry, or post comments, it just feels secondary even though I have the time. For that I am sorry, but I have had a lot on my mind. I am sure there are a lot of you that are Valkyrie, and I's mutual friends, and you may be wondering what the hell her last entry in all about., maybe your not, I don't know. I don't seem to know much these days. regardless, I think this rough draft of an article I wrote on Dec. 10, 2005 will shep some light on it.
DEAD ROMANCE
I have written for the Pucknation since 1997, and now we are here to celebrate the 10 year birthday of the site. Puckett called me and asked if I was interested in writing something for the birthday of the site since I was one of the first writers to write for the nation , and I agreed.
Normally I write in a character, and I put myself behind a mask. This article is different for me in that I am stepping out from behind a mask, and leaving any
of the characters I have used as fronts behind. This article is me, and only me, and at the same time everyone. This will probably be the most personal thing I have ever wrote,...for anything. Being the Wise Guy I am suppose to have all the answers, but I am here to tell you that concept couldn'tbe further from the
truth. Especially at this point and time in my life. It is one thing to have your girlfriend come to you, and tell you that there is another guy, or she just doesn't love you anymore, or she cheated on, you what ever. If there is another guy, you kick his ass, and you feel better. If she cheated on you, she is a bitch, and then you kick the guys ass, and move on. If she doesn't love you,
there have to be reasons, something you did, or didn't do to make her fall out of love with you. I tell you all of this because I am going through a break up, and nothing I have ever been through relationship wis could have prepared me for something like this. This is a girl, I have lived with for over a year, and have loved more than anything in the world, and now it is over.
Now if you have made it this far you are probably a girl, because guys see "love", and they lose interest. This is a shame, because this is an experience from a guy that has been there. A guy with so much pride it is
killing him to actually type this all out, but here I am drink in hand spilling my guts, and leaving my pride at the door, so that maybe other guys can gain some clarity and perspective. This is something that when it happens to a guy, they sweep under the rug, and try to forget. We have egos, and it is shattering to them, because as egos go, they are fragile. That is why there isn't any advice to really give on the situation. It is like reporting on a subject no one has ever talked about, or will talk about. There just isn't a whole lot of experiences to look at, and inspect. I have a long line of ego battles, and what
not writing for the Pucknation, but I am throwing all of that out of the window. On November 23, the night before Thanksgiving 2005, as I laid in bed with my
girlfriend, I was excited about the holiday season, as I am every year, and in an instant that all ended. Laying there with her head on my chest she looked up
at me and told me that she may be gay. Now these weren't here exact words, but this is what I remember. Of course I got defensive, angry even. A million
thoughts flashed through my head in an instant. All of which focused on how some way i could have screwed up, what did I do, am I not man enough? As we lay there naked, I all of a sudden actually felt very naked, and disgusting in my own
skin.
Gay means that there isn't another guy, no one to beat up to make you feel better. Gay means it honestly isn't you, but you still wonder and hate yourself. Gay means that this isn't her choice, but you still want to hate her,...but you can't. Gay means that no matter what you do, you can never have her back. So your girlfriend says she is gay, where do you go from here, well me, I went no where. I have sat at home waiting for her to walk through the door, waiting for her to change her mind, waiting for her not to be gay, but that day will never
come. That is the hardest part, having no control. I am not implying that any situation can be controlled, but even a failure can be slightly steered. You feel gross when she looks at you, you start to walk around your apartment fully clothed. You hug her knowing that the hug does not hold the same validity for her as it does you.
Being a guy you get thrown into the shame game. You don't want anyone to know, because no matter what you know about her being gay, and it not being a choice, but just who she is, the situation still makes you feel like less of a man. I also think by not telling anyone I almost feel like it's not real, this isn't happening to me. If your friends know, you have to talk to them about the
situation, and spill all the details. If they don't know they still refer to her as your girlfriend, as you cringe behind a smile. This is not healthy.
So what do you do, where do you go from here? I don't know, and that is the crux of it all. There are no answers, the advice you would give others in this
situation, you can't bring yourself to do. I try to sit at home, and act like that is where I want to be. In all actuality I sit at home most nights, and wonder who she is with, and if she is with another girl, and how that is somehow better than being with me. You want to move on, but you can't. You feel like by moving on is to deny your feelings. You blame anything gay, or lesbian, or
feminist, but this is not where the blame lies. There is no blame. That is probably the hardest part of all of it. When a relationship comes to a close there is usually blame to place somewhere no matter how minuscule it is. As much as you want to blame yourself you can't. As much as you want to hate her forwhat she is, you can't.
I write this because I am not the Wise Guy as this column would have you believe. I thought I was wise until the really tough situations of life fell at my feet, and they do, they just fall. I write this not to form a support group, or gain sympathy. At the same time this is to serve those of you that maybe do find yourself in a similar situation, to know that there is someone out there with just as big an ego, if not bigger than yours that is surviving. You have to begin to realize that life is just a series of events, it is up to you how you let those events shape you. When it is happening these are not easy things to remember, and even if you do remember them they are nothing but cold comfort. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know i is there. When it all came to a head, I would cry at the drop of a hat. The crying went on for about three to four days straight. I didn't even cry at my uncle's funeral. The
good news is I haven't cried in a week, and the lump in my throat is almost gone. If you truly do love this person, and you don't want to loose this person
you must tread lightly. You have to consider as much as you don't want to, that they are going through some hard stuff as well. Don't make your pain a competition. You love this person, and at one point, they loved you, and maybe they still do, just not in the way you would like them to. At this time you want to honor that love, and each other. I haven't done that, and I feel I have
pushed her further away. That is my conclusion, don't push. Unless you want the person to look at you with disdain, and hurt, be careful. These are not easy
times for either of you. Honor the good times, by not ending on a bad note. With pride comes honor both are very important, and at this time you have to put that
honor first, if not what is there to have pride in?
DEAD ROMANCE
I have written for the Pucknation since 1997, and now we are here to celebrate the 10 year birthday of the site. Puckett called me and asked if I was interested in writing something for the birthday of the site since I was one of the first writers to write for the nation , and I agreed.
Normally I write in a character, and I put myself behind a mask. This article is different for me in that I am stepping out from behind a mask, and leaving any
of the characters I have used as fronts behind. This article is me, and only me, and at the same time everyone. This will probably be the most personal thing I have ever wrote,...for anything. Being the Wise Guy I am suppose to have all the answers, but I am here to tell you that concept couldn'tbe further from the
truth. Especially at this point and time in my life. It is one thing to have your girlfriend come to you, and tell you that there is another guy, or she just doesn't love you anymore, or she cheated on, you what ever. If there is another guy, you kick his ass, and you feel better. If she cheated on you, she is a bitch, and then you kick the guys ass, and move on. If she doesn't love you,
there have to be reasons, something you did, or didn't do to make her fall out of love with you. I tell you all of this because I am going through a break up, and nothing I have ever been through relationship wis could have prepared me for something like this. This is a girl, I have lived with for over a year, and have loved more than anything in the world, and now it is over.
Now if you have made it this far you are probably a girl, because guys see "love", and they lose interest. This is a shame, because this is an experience from a guy that has been there. A guy with so much pride it is
killing him to actually type this all out, but here I am drink in hand spilling my guts, and leaving my pride at the door, so that maybe other guys can gain some clarity and perspective. This is something that when it happens to a guy, they sweep under the rug, and try to forget. We have egos, and it is shattering to them, because as egos go, they are fragile. That is why there isn't any advice to really give on the situation. It is like reporting on a subject no one has ever talked about, or will talk about. There just isn't a whole lot of experiences to look at, and inspect. I have a long line of ego battles, and what
not writing for the Pucknation, but I am throwing all of that out of the window. On November 23, the night before Thanksgiving 2005, as I laid in bed with my
girlfriend, I was excited about the holiday season, as I am every year, and in an instant that all ended. Laying there with her head on my chest she looked up
at me and told me that she may be gay. Now these weren't here exact words, but this is what I remember. Of course I got defensive, angry even. A million
thoughts flashed through my head in an instant. All of which focused on how some way i could have screwed up, what did I do, am I not man enough? As we lay there naked, I all of a sudden actually felt very naked, and disgusting in my own
skin.
Gay means that there isn't another guy, no one to beat up to make you feel better. Gay means it honestly isn't you, but you still wonder and hate yourself. Gay means that this isn't her choice, but you still want to hate her,...but you can't. Gay means that no matter what you do, you can never have her back. So your girlfriend says she is gay, where do you go from here, well me, I went no where. I have sat at home waiting for her to walk through the door, waiting for her to change her mind, waiting for her not to be gay, but that day will never
come. That is the hardest part, having no control. I am not implying that any situation can be controlled, but even a failure can be slightly steered. You feel gross when she looks at you, you start to walk around your apartment fully clothed. You hug her knowing that the hug does not hold the same validity for her as it does you.
Being a guy you get thrown into the shame game. You don't want anyone to know, because no matter what you know about her being gay, and it not being a choice, but just who she is, the situation still makes you feel like less of a man. I also think by not telling anyone I almost feel like it's not real, this isn't happening to me. If your friends know, you have to talk to them about the
situation, and spill all the details. If they don't know they still refer to her as your girlfriend, as you cringe behind a smile. This is not healthy.
So what do you do, where do you go from here? I don't know, and that is the crux of it all. There are no answers, the advice you would give others in this
situation, you can't bring yourself to do. I try to sit at home, and act like that is where I want to be. In all actuality I sit at home most nights, and wonder who she is with, and if she is with another girl, and how that is somehow better than being with me. You want to move on, but you can't. You feel like by moving on is to deny your feelings. You blame anything gay, or lesbian, or
feminist, but this is not where the blame lies. There is no blame. That is probably the hardest part of all of it. When a relationship comes to a close there is usually blame to place somewhere no matter how minuscule it is. As much as you want to blame yourself you can't. As much as you want to hate her forwhat she is, you can't.
I write this because I am not the Wise Guy as this column would have you believe. I thought I was wise until the really tough situations of life fell at my feet, and they do, they just fall. I write this not to form a support group, or gain sympathy. At the same time this is to serve those of you that maybe do find yourself in a similar situation, to know that there is someone out there with just as big an ego, if not bigger than yours that is surviving. You have to begin to realize that life is just a series of events, it is up to you how you let those events shape you. When it is happening these are not easy things to remember, and even if you do remember them they are nothing but cold comfort. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know i is there. When it all came to a head, I would cry at the drop of a hat. The crying went on for about three to four days straight. I didn't even cry at my uncle's funeral. The
good news is I haven't cried in a week, and the lump in my throat is almost gone. If you truly do love this person, and you don't want to loose this person
you must tread lightly. You have to consider as much as you don't want to, that they are going through some hard stuff as well. Don't make your pain a competition. You love this person, and at one point, they loved you, and maybe they still do, just not in the way you would like them to. At this time you want to honor that love, and each other. I haven't done that, and I feel I have
pushed her further away. That is my conclusion, don't push. Unless you want the person to look at you with disdain, and hurt, be careful. These are not easy
times for either of you. Honor the good times, by not ending on a bad note. With pride comes honor both are very important, and at this time you have to put that
honor first, if not what is there to have pride in?
VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
southernbelle:
katiebarthedoor:
at least thanksgiving was the next day. do gay people celebrate thanksgiving?