It's been over 36 hours since I've had any dilaudid. It's getting harder by the minute not to take some more. Instead I'm going to try and write The Good about that last hospital stay. That should pass some of the time.
There isn't a lot of Good is in this update, and what there is are not so much things that I went through or things that I gained, but experiences that I can look at and make me smile during a time when smiles were few. They mostly involve people, since rarely does the universe ever seem to do good - only people do.
First and foremost was my mom, Ellen. I went through a phase of about 10 years where I only called her by her first name. I still do sometimes. It seems more honest to me to recognize who she is, a person with a name, and not a role she played for one person. But she likes being called mom. Mom's often do.
She was there for me every day. Even the last few days when there was nothing to do but show up, maybe bring me some food, and a read a book while I watched tv. It was nice just to have her keeping me company, and even though it was a hassle, and she would rather be home in bed, she made the trip to the hospital night after night. I don't know if I'll ever be able to properly thank her for all she's had to put up with, and all she's had to endure. I don't even know where to begin.
Next were my friends, old and new. The hospital did have wifi available in every room, but a fairly strict firewall which didn't allow for a lot of outside communication. For example, I couldn't post here. I did manage to post in my Livejournal, though. I was surprised how many people still read that thing, and how many people still remember me. A couple of my local friends (Trent and Jim) ended up making a couple of trips to the hospital to bring me a sammich, and keep me company. It was a good time, and probably the most I laughed the entire time I was there. I owe them a lot for bringing my mood up while I was there. The sammich was really good too.
My Everquest2 crew came through for me too, which I didn't expect them to do. I got a visit from a local member, and she brought me cookies and a blanket. Both of which were awesome. I'm still using the blanket since getting out of the hospital, as it's perfect for wrapping around myself while I sit in my chair on a cold winter night. There were balloons, and flowers, and a few of the east coasters, and one person in the UK, who kept me company all through the early mornings. When you wake up at 2am alone in a hospital, it's nice to hear the MSN chime from someone wanting to keep you company. It's "only" Everquest 2, and they're "only" internet friends, but behind the text is a real person who took time to showed they care, and it means a lot to me. I've known some of these people for 2 years, and if that's not long enough to develop a real friendship, I don't know what is. Sometimes I forget that the words that pass my screen don't belong to ghosts, but to real people who really matter to me, and apparently I to whom I matter also.
And then there was this:
umm... Hello Orion,
You don't know me, but I've read your LJ for years. I happened across it one day, and well... sort of got hooked. I think it was the post about a cloud that you described as resembling a vertebrae, which tripped me out because I had seen that same cloud and thought the same thing! Anyways, after reading your post this morning, I thought I should at least introduce myself and let you know that your internet stalker is worried about you! I knew that peritoneal dialysis was a bad idea.
I'm sorry about your experiences with those mean nurses. I myself am a new RN graduate. I've shared a couple of your stories with a few of my classmates and now we're all forcing sammiches(did I get that right?) on our patients if they're not NPO... hahaha
Because of your posts you have helped a few nurses be more compassionte and caring, which will touch all of our future patients.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery,
That was in my Myspace inbox. It still amazes me. I'm a firm believer that my life will pass unnoticed, with no discernable effect on anyone. I am as much a ghost as the rest of the text on the internet. Someone, though, might be effected by something I've said. Somewhere, someone in pain gets treated a little better than they might because I took the time to type something. I'm humbled, and I don't know what else to say about it.
Finally there were the doctors and the staff, and for once they get put in a post about The Good. I had something like 8 doctors working on my case. It was, in their own words, "complicated." Look out when doctors use that word, because you're in for some shit. I hear that word a lot. This time there were nephrologists, and infectious disease doctors, and rheumatologists, and vascular surgeons, and various internal medical professionals all with some advice, and for once almost all of it was good. Not only were they competent and quick to solve problems, but they listened to my opinions and advice. Apparently it's become clear that I actually know what the fuck I'm talking about after dealing with my health for the last 14 years. Suggestions I made on treatments, on drugs (which to use, and which not to use), and even which order to do my surgeries in (there were three. Another story I'll tell you if you ask) were listened to, considered, and sometimes followed. The doctors were awesome. They didn't talk down to me, ignore me, or do anything unnecessary. Although I expect the worst of most medical professionals, they delivered. They fixed me, quickly and easily.
The nurses were great too, for the most part. I don't have anything to say right now about that first gang that killed me. I can almost forgive them because they didn't know any better. They probably thought they were doing the right thing, but it was entirely the wrong thing and resulted in me being... well, dead. Typing this out has put me in a much better mood, because, as you might imagine, I'm still a little pissed off about being... well, killed. The rest of the nurses, though, were much more attentive to what I was saying, or trying to say (there were a couple of days I couldn't talk). Like the doctors, nurses actually listened to me about what my body needs, what it responds to well, and what causes me problems. For once I left the hospital feeling I'd been helped and cared for, instead of shoved into a bed and experimented on until they could send me home. In that sense, as hospital stays go, this was one of the best.
And that's all I can think to write about The Good. This took an hour, if you can believe it, and I haven't gone back and tried to proofread. If you read all this, good for you. I appreciate it. We should have a party. There will be cake.
There isn't a lot of Good is in this update, and what there is are not so much things that I went through or things that I gained, but experiences that I can look at and make me smile during a time when smiles were few. They mostly involve people, since rarely does the universe ever seem to do good - only people do.
First and foremost was my mom, Ellen. I went through a phase of about 10 years where I only called her by her first name. I still do sometimes. It seems more honest to me to recognize who she is, a person with a name, and not a role she played for one person. But she likes being called mom. Mom's often do.
She was there for me every day. Even the last few days when there was nothing to do but show up, maybe bring me some food, and a read a book while I watched tv. It was nice just to have her keeping me company, and even though it was a hassle, and she would rather be home in bed, she made the trip to the hospital night after night. I don't know if I'll ever be able to properly thank her for all she's had to put up with, and all she's had to endure. I don't even know where to begin.
Next were my friends, old and new. The hospital did have wifi available in every room, but a fairly strict firewall which didn't allow for a lot of outside communication. For example, I couldn't post here. I did manage to post in my Livejournal, though. I was surprised how many people still read that thing, and how many people still remember me. A couple of my local friends (Trent and Jim) ended up making a couple of trips to the hospital to bring me a sammich, and keep me company. It was a good time, and probably the most I laughed the entire time I was there. I owe them a lot for bringing my mood up while I was there. The sammich was really good too.
My Everquest2 crew came through for me too, which I didn't expect them to do. I got a visit from a local member, and she brought me cookies and a blanket. Both of which were awesome. I'm still using the blanket since getting out of the hospital, as it's perfect for wrapping around myself while I sit in my chair on a cold winter night. There were balloons, and flowers, and a few of the east coasters, and one person in the UK, who kept me company all through the early mornings. When you wake up at 2am alone in a hospital, it's nice to hear the MSN chime from someone wanting to keep you company. It's "only" Everquest 2, and they're "only" internet friends, but behind the text is a real person who took time to showed they care, and it means a lot to me. I've known some of these people for 2 years, and if that's not long enough to develop a real friendship, I don't know what is. Sometimes I forget that the words that pass my screen don't belong to ghosts, but to real people who really matter to me, and apparently I to whom I matter also.
And then there was this:
umm... Hello Orion,
You don't know me, but I've read your LJ for years. I happened across it one day, and well... sort of got hooked. I think it was the post about a cloud that you described as resembling a vertebrae, which tripped me out because I had seen that same cloud and thought the same thing! Anyways, after reading your post this morning, I thought I should at least introduce myself and let you know that your internet stalker is worried about you! I knew that peritoneal dialysis was a bad idea.
I'm sorry about your experiences with those mean nurses. I myself am a new RN graduate. I've shared a couple of your stories with a few of my classmates and now we're all forcing sammiches(did I get that right?) on our patients if they're not NPO... hahaha
Because of your posts you have helped a few nurses be more compassionte and caring, which will touch all of our future patients.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery,
That was in my Myspace inbox. It still amazes me. I'm a firm believer that my life will pass unnoticed, with no discernable effect on anyone. I am as much a ghost as the rest of the text on the internet. Someone, though, might be effected by something I've said. Somewhere, someone in pain gets treated a little better than they might because I took the time to type something. I'm humbled, and I don't know what else to say about it.
Finally there were the doctors and the staff, and for once they get put in a post about The Good. I had something like 8 doctors working on my case. It was, in their own words, "complicated." Look out when doctors use that word, because you're in for some shit. I hear that word a lot. This time there were nephrologists, and infectious disease doctors, and rheumatologists, and vascular surgeons, and various internal medical professionals all with some advice, and for once almost all of it was good. Not only were they competent and quick to solve problems, but they listened to my opinions and advice. Apparently it's become clear that I actually know what the fuck I'm talking about after dealing with my health for the last 14 years. Suggestions I made on treatments, on drugs (which to use, and which not to use), and even which order to do my surgeries in (there were three. Another story I'll tell you if you ask) were listened to, considered, and sometimes followed. The doctors were awesome. They didn't talk down to me, ignore me, or do anything unnecessary. Although I expect the worst of most medical professionals, they delivered. They fixed me, quickly and easily.
The nurses were great too, for the most part. I don't have anything to say right now about that first gang that killed me. I can almost forgive them because they didn't know any better. They probably thought they were doing the right thing, but it was entirely the wrong thing and resulted in me being... well, dead. Typing this out has put me in a much better mood, because, as you might imagine, I'm still a little pissed off about being... well, killed. The rest of the nurses, though, were much more attentive to what I was saying, or trying to say (there were a couple of days I couldn't talk). Like the doctors, nurses actually listened to me about what my body needs, what it responds to well, and what causes me problems. For once I left the hospital feeling I'd been helped and cared for, instead of shoved into a bed and experimented on until they could send me home. In that sense, as hospital stays go, this was one of the best.
And that's all I can think to write about The Good. This took an hour, if you can believe it, and I haven't gone back and tried to proofread. If you read all this, good for you. I appreciate it. We should have a party. There will be cake.
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And come on, you've gotta know I cut everyone periodically out of my own pain, not because of anything to do with any of the people I cut. I love you, dude.