hello world... my usual greeting.
today i woke up feeling like shit again, as always. so i took some ritalin to get my french homework done. well, nothin' got done. i feel better now (haha, now that i'm on uppers... what a joke ::rolling eyes:
and that's good but i know it won't last. i called my psychiatrist and told him i need to get an emergency appointment soon and i discontinued a med that i'm pretty sure was making me worse and went back to my effexor (which was working initially). argh, life is hard. why is my brain so diseased?!
as for the french assignment, mom gave me a great idea. i know it's kinda cheating, but it's 200 pages of bullshit french I when i can speak fluently already. and i'm too depressed to do it. so, her idea was to pay some kid that finished their book and copy theirs... because 5 units of F in college is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. so yeah, tomorrow i'm gonna go do that. i'll even pay someone if i have to. i don't want any failures on my gpa.
i've been bored today. i chatted in the italian chat on yahoo for a long time... most of them speak french, too, so it's not a problem. i'm thinking about taking either italian or philosophy I this summer. however, i also will need time to work and vacation cuz i got an opportunity to stay with ian in kawaii -- w00t w00t! AND... mom is taking me with her to the east coast so that i'll finally get to see the place where i come from (massachusetts).
i mean, i suppose life isn't really that bad. in fact, i know it's not. it's just the feeling that it is that kills me. i hide under blankets for hours sometimes because of my social anxiety that comes from such depression. i need to get out of this hole. my dad always says when you're feeling down to read the bible. i'm not religious and i believe the bible is a great historical source but that it's been tampered with. i'm also pagan, and not too religous, mainly spiritual. but, since he's 60 and everyone else giving me advice doesn't have the same years of experience as him, i took him up on it. being a pastor's daughter, i know where to find whatever i'm looking for in the bible --thus, i can avoid things about hell and wrath and skip to the parts about peace and serenity. so that's what i did. and it did make me feel better. go figure...
another thing that helps me is this quote by salvador dali... "Pas avoir de crainte de perfection vous ne latteindrez jamais," which basically means... If you're going thru hell, keep going.
well, guess imma chat and make profiles on dating sites for no apparent reason and try to entertain myself.
love to my friends and readers,
--natalie
today i woke up feeling like shit again, as always. so i took some ritalin to get my french homework done. well, nothin' got done. i feel better now (haha, now that i'm on uppers... what a joke ::rolling eyes:
and that's good but i know it won't last. i called my psychiatrist and told him i need to get an emergency appointment soon and i discontinued a med that i'm pretty sure was making me worse and went back to my effexor (which was working initially). argh, life is hard. why is my brain so diseased?!
as for the french assignment, mom gave me a great idea. i know it's kinda cheating, but it's 200 pages of bullshit french I when i can speak fluently already. and i'm too depressed to do it. so, her idea was to pay some kid that finished their book and copy theirs... because 5 units of F in college is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. so yeah, tomorrow i'm gonna go do that. i'll even pay someone if i have to. i don't want any failures on my gpa.
i've been bored today. i chatted in the italian chat on yahoo for a long time... most of them speak french, too, so it's not a problem. i'm thinking about taking either italian or philosophy I this summer. however, i also will need time to work and vacation cuz i got an opportunity to stay with ian in kawaii -- w00t w00t! AND... mom is taking me with her to the east coast so that i'll finally get to see the place where i come from (massachusetts).
i mean, i suppose life isn't really that bad. in fact, i know it's not. it's just the feeling that it is that kills me. i hide under blankets for hours sometimes because of my social anxiety that comes from such depression. i need to get out of this hole. my dad always says when you're feeling down to read the bible. i'm not religious and i believe the bible is a great historical source but that it's been tampered with. i'm also pagan, and not too religous, mainly spiritual. but, since he's 60 and everyone else giving me advice doesn't have the same years of experience as him, i took him up on it. being a pastor's daughter, i know where to find whatever i'm looking for in the bible --thus, i can avoid things about hell and wrath and skip to the parts about peace and serenity. so that's what i did. and it did make me feel better. go figure...
another thing that helps me is this quote by salvador dali... "Pas avoir de crainte de perfection vous ne latteindrez jamais," which basically means... If you're going thru hell, keep going.
well, guess imma chat and make profiles on dating sites for no apparent reason and try to entertain myself.
love to my friends and readers,
--natalie
Yay coming to East Coast! We rule...kinda sorta...maybe.
Still pullin' for ya.
-TM