Monday Jul 18, 2005

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I need very desperately for this to be all about me, but I can't stand the thought. What will I do without the diversion of another body/person to divert me from my own shit.


I feel like Lady Macbeth trying to wash away a stain that only exists in my conscience.

Guilt is a bitch.

I was thinking a lot about love today. In my life, love and guilt/responsibility/blame are married to each other. Each time I have perceived love as leaving my life, it was tied irrevocably to the guilt/responsibility/blame monster.

Right now, am I doing what is right for me, or what assists others best? Why is it that for me, not being selfish leads to being totally selfless? I assure you, this is not good. I am giving way too much again. I am certain there is nothing/very little left of me in the quiet dark hours when thare are no arms to hug me but my own and even they seem strangely distant.

Forgive my rambling. My head/heart/body aches...all over. I want attention but I don't need it. I understand this. It has everything to do with my silence.


akirali:
My dear you aren't alone. I think it's the curse of being too hard on ourselves. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. But we need to realize that we are human and make mistakes just like everyone else. Just because we know what we are thinking and feeling when we make these mistakes, it doesn't mean we are any less deserving of love or forgiveness. Best of luck getting what you need, what you want and what you deserve kiss
dragonflycq:
If you're sure you wanna send it...I'll take it.

kiss

My soon-to-be new roomate is also a seamstress.

How's your new place coming along??? I hope you're at least feeling better to be away from the parents.

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