puresauciness

I am trying to be positive. I have attempted to relax. My rhythmic chanting turned into me screaming fuck you repeatedly. It declare: my job is killing me slowly. Okay, maybe its not killing me. It is, however, driving me insane with the acute precision of some sort of covert operations-type torture. I have been working here off an on since 99. Like a bad relationship that begins to look good after time passes, I come back. At first, there is the usual flirtation. It quickly explodes into full blown lust. (I am a creative, multi-tasking machine!!!) And just as those old flames that magically spring from the dusty compartments of memory, it disappears just as suddenly. The joy of completing tasks that seem to be hard wired to my chassis has turned into irritation. My boss is seriously plucking my nerves, like violin pizzicato but all the wrong notes. We argue. We scream. We criticize each other. Constructive? Nah, DEstructive.

And it hurts. I have never been so bloodied at the end of a day in my life. No employer has dared thrust words as sharp as samurai swords in my directionexcept the one who knew me as more than his little minion. And that is why (lately) each day grabs the crusty edge of the scar and pulls it off my festering wound. I will never heal. Will I forever feel as if my work is not good enough, not sharp enough, not quick enough, not planned enough, not creative enough, no consistent enough.? Will my thought process ever be as streamlined as my to-do list? He rewards me with new gadgets (Epson 1280 on the way, baby!) but I would gladly give it up for the benefit of kind words. I got a raise. Now I have to yell at people on the phone who cant give me the answers, time lines, or quality that he demands. On one hand, I understand. Business is competitive. Money is short. You must stand out as not only quality, but being timely and being able to hit the price point right between the eyes. Create value and exceptional-ness where there is none. Arent I valuable? Can I please feel?

I dont want to leave that which I love, but is it supposed to hurt. I am climbing the ladder, but are bruises, calluses, and fragments of your heart and soul falling beneath you normal parts of the journey?

I need a hug, dammit.
And I need a girl to cuddle with, but that is a separate (just as desperate) journal entry.

Don't Stay
(LinkinPark)

Sometimes I, need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I, need you to stay away from me
Sometimes Im in disbelief I didnt know
Somehow I need you to go

Dont stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Dont stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Dont stay

Sometimes I, feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I, just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes Im in disbelief I didnt know
Somehow I need to be alone

Dont stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Dont stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Dont stay

I dont need you anymore, I dont want to be ignored
I dont need one more day of you wasting me away
I dont need you anymore, I dont want to be ignored
I dont need one more day of you wasting me away
With no apologies

Dont stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Dont stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Dont stay
Dont stay
Dont stay