So I've probably just had the hardest and worst week of my life, (read my last blog to know what caused it, I can't repeat it again) I hadn't eaten a meal since sunday and that was my only meal of the day, I ate a biscuit a day until last night when I had some bread and a Kitkat, today I've had cereal and a pizza but I can only bring myself to eat if it's put in front of me, I can't go make it myself. I dropped nearly a stone of weight in 5 days and when you're not exactly a big fucker to begin with thats not good, my fingers constantly tingled and I've still got aches and pains everywhere.
I really thought I was going to do it yesterday, but stopped myself and whilst I really am trying now I can't escape this permanent sadness, I'm trying to focus on things but it's so damn hard, Today I went shopping for things but that was hard because who do you think I always went with before? I did however go to B&Q (a hardware store) and get this...
It's partly a punk thing (See Sid vicious, Tim Armstrong) but there's also some symbolism to it, it's a reminded to keep my heart locked up until I absolutely trust somone (though I absolutely trusted her and look what happened!) and that someone has to truly a earn a key to it.
I've also order a denim vest and a load of patches, badges and studs, going to make me one sick vest.
Also decided I want to get the lyrics "In the shadows of darkness I stand in the light" from Rancids Fall Back Down to remind me to always stay strong.
My objective with all this is to try and make me stop being a whiney bollocks and be a punk rock warlord again! Although despite the way I look I'm actually such a massively caring and compassionate person, what I miss most is actually having someone to do stuff for because I have always cared so little about myself, my happiness mainly comes from other peoples, it may mean I get taken advantage of but it's worth for the genuine times.
My families also now aware of just how bad I've been, along with just about all of my Facebook network as I wanted to make sure I can get as much support as I can because I can't beat this on my own. Just need all the love and support I can get right now, maybe a nice girl with tattoos, piercings and awesome hair to sweep me off my feet.......
I really thought I was going to do it yesterday, but stopped myself and whilst I really am trying now I can't escape this permanent sadness, I'm trying to focus on things but it's so damn hard, Today I went shopping for things but that was hard because who do you think I always went with before? I did however go to B&Q (a hardware store) and get this...
It's partly a punk thing (See Sid vicious, Tim Armstrong) but there's also some symbolism to it, it's a reminded to keep my heart locked up until I absolutely trust somone (though I absolutely trusted her and look what happened!) and that someone has to truly a earn a key to it.
I've also order a denim vest and a load of patches, badges and studs, going to make me one sick vest.
Also decided I want to get the lyrics "In the shadows of darkness I stand in the light" from Rancids Fall Back Down to remind me to always stay strong.
My objective with all this is to try and make me stop being a whiney bollocks and be a punk rock warlord again! Although despite the way I look I'm actually such a massively caring and compassionate person, what I miss most is actually having someone to do stuff for because I have always cared so little about myself, my happiness mainly comes from other peoples, it may mean I get taken advantage of but it's worth for the genuine times.
My families also now aware of just how bad I've been, along with just about all of my Facebook network as I wanted to make sure I can get as much support as I can because I can't beat this on my own. Just need all the love and support I can get right now, maybe a nice girl with tattoos, piercings and awesome hair to sweep me off my feet.......
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
sofarsogood:
Hope things get better for you! Try to think more about paintball than females right now. My bf plays and I have heard of your team name before, but didn't realize there are different ones in different countries! I tagged your blog since I saw that.
sofarsogood:
he isn't on a team atm. they're working out sponsorships still. i think next year or something. i remember now why fearless sounded familiar... not a team, but a pb park. my mistake. have you heard of the website pbnation?