punkinhead

Good morning SG fans,

I hope this rainy GA day finds everyone well and good.

This is probably the most blessed time in my life. There are life lessons that I can just pluck from the air in front of me. I can almost smell them.

So yes, BG split up with me. She cited the fact that I am too non-confrontataional and too laidback/ easygoing/ patient (swear to god!). She is the kind of woman who likes a nice, clensing fight now and again. She would like me to rip into the guy at the Blimpie for forgetting the extra tomatoes. She said she feels intimidated since I am always more patient and gentle with her than she is with me - it makes her feel strange.

Some girls say "Its not you, its me." Well this time it was me, lil ol punkinhead, I am the problem. I actually apprecriate the honesty. Yeah I had my freak out but I apprecriated the honesty nonetheless.

And now . . .

and now she would like to go back to the way we were. She's lonely, see, and she misses me. Little old patient, non-confrontational, gives-as-much-head-as-you-want and accepting-of-her-semi-bi-monthly blow job me.




Part of me would like to slip back into the yet-to-cool bed we shared, our comfortable routine. It would be easy as pie to hook back up, go back to the way things were, take the path of least resistance.

But.

But this throws alot of things in my face, problems our relationship had. She sneers at my spirituality and thinks I need to get my head in the real world. She can't leave the house before noon without being grumpy and exhausted all day. She hasen't kept me laid enough for months - shes tired when I want to hook up, or halfway into it she will remember a disturbing image she saw on TV that day and call it off. And God Forbid that I should ever tell her no - the three times that I haven't been in the mood during the year we have been together she decided it was okay for her to be a real jerk about it.

Complicating this is the fact that I called off buying my new house because she wasen't going to live with me in it. If we hook back up we would have to make new arangements - her living wherever doing whatever and me stuck here in 100 acre surbaban mall and foodcourt hell I have grown to loathe for its right-wing, uberfundamentalist consumerst zombies. I would be stuck here for who knows how long.

And of course I miss her. There were qualities about BG that I have looked for in a woman my whole life, things I had decided that I would just never find, that were romance aisle fictions about how people could be happy together.

This could be just a bump in the road on the way to a lifetime of bliss. This could mean I waste another year on a relationship that will eventually fade out, perhaps on a much uglier note than this one. This could be my ticket to a huge adventure, the next big thing. I could be flushing any hope for long tearm happiness down the toilet.

So . . .

So my job also ended. Its a perfect time to make a brand new start.

And I am having a hard time with it because I have been burnt and burnt and burnt by relationships. I just don't trust my instincts and I am paralized by fear. I want to be happy, and I want BG to be happy. I don't know what to do.

No news besides that. Blessed, blessed Desilou called me up the day after she found out - I love her so much it makes my face hurt. My SG buds have hit my journal and sent email and good vibes - I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

And I literally have no idea what to do going forward.

I thank the Universe for this oppourtunity to once more learn its lessions and by doing so become myself.

Thanks for listening, SG.



take it light (ha!),

ph

Taoist thought of the day: Be mindful.

Cat report: Sometimes I wish I had dogs. Sometimes I wish I was a dog.

Factoid: I have been a pawn broker, sandwitch artist, one-man typing service and off-shore cargo administrator.

PS - Sorry about spelling errors - still confined to Big Joe's Computer.