Me, this exact moment

12

Hey SG Friends and Neighbors,

This is and shall always be the place where I can be my realest real, and so . . . .

I'm not doing so great. The quick version: life is ramping up challenges for me on almost every level, while I'm finding it harder and harder to get motivated to do anything. Part of me just wants to be done. Fifty years - that's a pretty good run, right? Think of the company: Dee Dee Ramone, Kenny Everett, Sappho, DMX, Errol Flynn, Bearcat Wright. Fucking Bearcat Wright! That's one to measure up to and no mistake.

This isn't idealization, not exactly. My wife asked me if I was having that recently, and I honestly said no. A lot of people rely on me now, and I mean to keep doing everything I can for them for as long as I can. That's the Punkinhead Pledge.

But I imagine now nice it could be. How quiet and peaceful. I daydream about it, the way I used to daydream about winning races or saving lives.

I don't want to feel this way. I want to focus on positivity, I want to create a whole lot more stuff before I'm done creating stuff. But here I am, realest real, with my feelings.

I have fallen out of love with the world. I feel like most of my life I spent carefully cultivating good will towards men. I always tried to assume the best of folks, and when I found out the truth of folks tried to be philosophical about it.

But after trump and the lockdown - shit, going back to the newt gingritch era of American governance - I see my fellow man consciously deciding to be awful again and again and again.

"When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don't see heaven or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human tragedy."

These are the people I'm creating stuff for. It makes me sad and so tired.

I am truly trying to do better right now but mmmMMmmmm I'm not feeling better. I'm not feeling good. I'm failing to see the point, I'm loosing whole days to regret and magical thinking.

KK out for now. Thanks for listening, SG, y'all got my love.

best,

Punkinhead

Taoist Thought of the Day: Life and death are nothing to the true people of Tao, nothing can touch them.

Pet Report: Our dog would rather spend time with my mother-in-law. They are true best friends. I had a moment this week where my wife and I were honestly discussing the possibility of letting the dog go to live with her full time. I knew not to hope but even knowing it would never happen my heart lifted up. This is the first dog I've ever had that while I love her very much, I do not like her. She's staying, of course. I have two cats now whom I love deeply and who my dog can't stop antagonizing for more than moments at a time.

Currently digging: Stress eating, getting fucked up right after work, excuses.

VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
punkinhead:
DM me everything! Let's catch up.
gadget:
Dude, I feel you. I've been struggling for a while but it just seems to keep getting deeper, the why. I'm even starting to turn into one of those apathetic fucks. It's hard to keep fighting for what's right when everyone else so easily does the opposite, thereby ruining any dent you put in the turd pile that is the world. On a level maybe this is what makes it easier for us to embrace old age and the impending visit from the grim ripper. People should truly be ashamed of themselves. At least if you're stress eating you're not wasting away. I find it so hard to even want to ingest things, and that's something that used to bring me the most joy. Tasty eating. Alas... so it goes. One of the biggest things that helps get me through is thinking about the multiverse. I'm thinking this is just a moderately fucked dimension. I try to focus on the fact that there is bound to be an euphoric dimension. Where my mother never left when we were kids and the patriarchy never existed. That kind of thing. My biggest ideation for years has been when I die I want to become a cloud. To the point where I was brainstorming on how I would have to go about things so that would be most likely to happen (I know). I recently started working on a film series where I double expose myself with clouds. That's been surprisingly therapeutic.

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