punkinfanta

i have lots to say. but i'm frustrated and it's late. so we will see where this goes.

i am pretty fed up with work and the inefficiancy of those below me that i have stopped doing most things myself and have spent a lot of time being a dictator. and it is both horrible and fabulous. i think at times i have the potential to totally trip on my power...and other times i am humble. as always let us blame this on the gemini status.

<---two different people i can be.

i totally buy into it to...and well, cause it's true.

instead of writing a letter to silly (which i am debating is either the right thing to do, or the wrong thing to do) i am venting here.

things were going well. pretty fucking fantastic i must say, and of course at times i can be ridiculously optimistic and hopeful.

then out of the blue as he so often does, BAM!

blew me off once
twice
three times

potentially for legit reasons...but with our track record i can never be sure and i have doubt lingering in the back of my mind and it clouds my heart and probably rightfully so.

he blew off chiodos because his aunt was diagnosed with emphaszyma and is sick so he went with his father to visit her.

cool...i was bummed...but whatever. tickets went to waste.

but we were still on good talking flirty terms.

sunday, day of brand new/thrice concert #1

i got ready. wore the scent he likes..he signs on aim. lets me know he is sick. food poisoned. feels like death and can't make it. i ask him if we should cancel for tomorrow as well...he tells me he wants to see how he feels and will keep me updated. reassures me that e is excited to go and wished this didn't happen "but it is what it is"

i'm sad, bummed, stressed, frantic...

i was more than almost anything excited to see him. to spend time with him. be silly. sit in line with him all day. talk. listen to an amazing band that means so much to us. have him sleep in my bed and see what happens from there, then spend another mazing day together...

but no. those dreams and visions and wants were crushed.

i found a friend to go with me. actually, vinniespades went with me (being the big brand new fan that he is) and it was great. i supplied a minor with alcohol and we were in the pit. when they first started playing i felt weird, brandon was suppose to be there right next to me. there was an underlying feeling of ickyness because..he was just suppose to be there..he was. however, they were amazing, of course. dim lights and intense feelings and as cheesy as it sounds moments it was just the band on stage and me and ahh..magical. limosine came on...the song brandon left me to (one of the many) and yeah...he should have been there...

so i waited, i waited like i always fucking do for him
like i am
like i will
like i might always

and nothing. no news for monday

so i went to work
and missed monday night's show
and i am really not happy about that.

i still haven't heard from him.

he hasn't signed on aim, but he was on myspace i saw one day. the only contact (if thats what you call it) that we have had was on faceboook there are these magnetic words you can pla with and he wrote the following on mine:

"i just don't believe him...
most gentlemen would not have to do what he does
like a drug
he has mean love in you"

what the fuck that means...i do not know...

and generally i would retort. it's just our way...but i am holding back...to see what happens.
also, i must admit, because i am scared if i do, he might not write back. and that pains me.

he had told me a week prior in honesty that he just doesn't know.

some days go by where he wants to be with me. he thinks it can work and we will make eachother happy.

other days go by where he thinks i will mess up, or he will. it can't work and i am too much to handle

and that uncertainty is a red flag for him

that he always thought he would need to be with someone like him, who understands him..
but then again could he put up with someone like him?

and what am i?

i am him

so alike.

i never understood his fear or rationale.

i don't know if it would work, i don't know. but i always thought the best way to find out would to just DO IT.

but, i don't want to force anyone to be with me. although, regardless..i've always known that we should be together, even if we never will be...

so yes, i am in this limbo, again, as always...hoping he comes to me.

he always does. i'm just hoping sooner than later. i cant do waiting a year again. days...weeks...months...are hard enough.

i bought tickets for him..for us to coheed & cambria this sunday. but i am fairly sure they are going to go to waste as well...

i don't know where these demons of his come from.

one moment he is talking about how i smell familiar and comforting and like home and about my lips and how he noticed the way the sun hit my eyes and the color he saw in them how he thinks about laying next to me or being in me and it makes him smile

and the next minute he dissapears...

*sigh*

my jaw is aching the way it does when i am overcome with feeliing.

i guess overall in this situation i feel helpless, and i have no control. he totally controls it. he knows it. and not being in control bothers me. so i take it out on other people, in other ways.

this other boy. this other boy that made wrong choices and doesn't matter much anymore. well i become this really foul person around him. and he does deserve it mind you. i am mean and cold and jealous. and not jealous cause i care, jealous because i want it to be all about me, even though it clearly is not all about him. and also because he did me wrong and i get the mentality of how dare YOU do ME wrong. therefore, you must suffer. but fuck him. srsly :-) one day perhaps he will get it.
big brother eh? i wasn't aware that big brothers fuck their "little sisters"

now there is this other boy (i know i know so many right>? but not really, no one is truly mine)
there is this other boy i think about and talk to like pretty much every minute. and if this boy wasn't here i'd probably be a little more mad in the head that i currently am. i think he likes me :-) and he cares and is too sweet. and he makes me smile and he makes me tingle and i miss him and wished he was way closer. like down the street closer. and i could totally see us being close and having fun and being dumb and hanging out and it just being good :-) and i'm pretty thankful for him right now. plus, he kissed me and held me like he cared, and uh yeah, can't recall the last time that has happened. if it ever has...

simultaneously, i feel so poisoned by brandon that i'm just never gonna be right for anyone else. and it is unfair for anyone to have any feelings for me because it's always about brandon.

i heard a psycholgist say that bad things that happen to you prior to puberty triggers things in your brain that make them desirable to you post puberty. like if your dad hit you when you were a child, when youre older you will seek abusive relationships.

well, i wonder. every man in my life has left me. and i wonder if in some weird chemical way i attract that, or seek it?

*sigh*

at least i have always oddly enjoyed my ability to be self analytical.

i just can't wait till january-ish when i am going to take 2 weeks off.
1 week of fun
1 week of being a complete hermit.

this growing up being a young adult figuring yourself out stuff is fun and also fucking hard. but that's the beauty in it right??!

i've spent more time (and money) buying fancy things and pretty perfumes and lingerie and yeah. for no one but me. and maybe (lucky?) viewers.

my roomate works at victorias secret and i always told her i wouldn't open a credit card there until i had a boyfriend again and was getting laid on a regular basis. but fuck it, i did. and intend to have much sex with myself.

i would really adore a sex life though. that would be nice. and someone i cared about to. mhm. would be very nice. and someone who would enjoy watching me prance around in this: