punkinfanta

i spent all day sunday with my silly. and it was the nicest feeling in the world. almost a year and 1/2 has gone by, and we went through so much, together and seperately, but we can pick up where we left off and just sit in his car for hours listening to music. certain things have changed over time...it's not a little POS car anymore, no more hearts drawn all over the windows by me, we are older, we've accumulated so much more music... i stared at him, like i always did. i always found him so fascinating and lovely. although i could see how he aged a bit. rough year... his piercings are all gone now. the ones i use to bump into so often when wrapping my arms around him. now i'm the one with the piercings. his eyes, so intense, so much behind them. just brown, but i like brown, and they have always held so much more than any other pair i have ever seen. the previous night i was lying in bed and i got an email from him. a message with all the answers. although, we both knew i already knew them. it was all truths, although a lot bad, i had known them for years so they didn't hit as hard. he still thought i was special, magical...and after everything we still have this apprecitation for one another. we talked for 2 hours on the phone. his voice, low, sad, soothing. so much pain behind both of us but we joked and laughed anyway. seeing him, "all so familiar, and like coming home..." natural, comfortable. we ate at a place all too familiar, and we sat next to eachother, the way we always did. the first time he sat next to me i recall, is when i fell for him. i hardly ate. i hardly ate on our first date...we saw a couple sitting at the old table we sat at, they were sitting next to eachother as well....
i wanted to touch him so bad. to rub and scratch his head, grace his arm, hold his hand, just to remember what it felt like. he had turned around looking out the window at a dog running in the park and i placed my hands so close to him. touching without feeling...he wore the purple shirt...we drank japanese cherry tea...time flew by and i didn't want it to end, i never did. he stayed till dusk. we hugged. a proper hug this time, not like the last. we both take sunday''s off. we'll keep in touch. i couldn't bare to lose him ever again. or could i? i have so many times, but like he said a long time ago, it's ok, because he always comes back. i don't know what will become. maybe "us" is so far gone. but the connection we always had, the closeness, is there. i always said i'd take him any way i could have him. just be there for him. someone to drink with and laugh with and go on adventures. all the other times we got together we ended up jumping on eachother and starting things over again so fast. this time we didn't, but it was such a wonderful feeling. just being there, just being his friend...

this other boy, this other boy i never got to write about except for once on my myspace...he had ended it, just days prior. and if he hadn't, i would have been seeing him on sunday, and i wouldn't have seen my silly. funny how things work out. i bitch a lot about not having anyone, and i don't, but through this whole thing i have gained something i won't let go of or compromise, myself.

a few weeks ago i was confused because i was happy. i didn't understand this happy feeling. i had a new store, i had a potential boy i liked. i still have my store, but i lost that boy. sad for a few days...but now i'm happy again. and this time i'm not confused about it. i have myself, i have music, i have silly's friendship..everything else will just fall into place.