pudding

it's a sure sign that the end is near. i have appointments with a new shrink and a new therapist tomorrow. what is going through my head? a permanent headache, lack of sleep, a sense of impending doom, and a fuck-ton of stress. mmm...stress. while at one point stress and i had a brief but torrid love affair, the honeymoon is now over and i am attempting to kill it. it's not good for me. i've been up to a lot of things that aren't good for me. and as a last ditch effort to save my sanity i'm throwing myself back into the system. the very same system that i claimed was useless only a scant few months ago. it's amazing the difference a little headache induced mental clarity can make. i even made a list of all the meds that various doctors have put me on over the years so this new guy knows what the hell he's going to be dealing with. there is another reason i'm going back. i don't want to be fucked up anymore. i mean, i realize to a certain extent i will forever be a little fucked up. i will probably always have a tendency toward excess and self destruction. but i want to learn how to at least tame some of the more out and out crazy behaviors. i want to have healthy relationships with those who are closest to me. i don't want to fuck it up by being myself anymore. wow. so yes, that's the deal for tomorrow. and i'm sorry if i've gotten all mushy and talked about vic a lot in these things lately, it's just that right now he's the thing that's making things better. go back a few months, at that point booze was making things better and i talked about it all the time. oh booze, miss you. my mim is 500 kinds of happy that i've gone back to the system. she worries a lot, especially when i stop getting enough sleep and get apathetic about work. i'm always going to be this fucked up little prick deep down inside, but if i can not be that bastard at least half the time i'm pretty sure i would be happier. must let go of the trauma and stop re-enacting it in all facets of my life. maybe one of these days i will feel human again. there's a thought eh? i haven't been on here much lately and i might be around a little bit less in the near future just because i'm trying to straighten my shit out. in the not so distant past sg was something to me that it's not now. it used to be my only human interaction. now i have real life shit to take care of and the mind numbing effects of the silliness boards just aren't cutting it. oh well. don't get stuck.