pudding

you're so far away from me. it's funny that a person will never look as good in retrospect as they do in this present moment. and if that didn't make sense, follow this, i have never looked as wonderful in my entire life as i do right now. even though i used to weigh less and i used to have longer hair and i used to do and be a lot of things that i currently don't do and currently am not. but in a lot of ways i've never looked better, i've felt a fuck of a lot better, but i've never looked it. and maybe i'm just getting better at hiding it, i must have gained a +3 to my disguise skill or something. in the beginning when you start faking it you feel like a fraud most of the time, you wonder if anyone else walks around and wonders who the hell they are, but after a while you start to believe your own bullshit. not only believe it, but prefer it to who you would be without it. i'm going to tell you right now that if i were to stop faking this second i would fall apart. i would be a cassie puddle on the floor, a sludge of makeup, piercings, and coffee cake. believe the lie. and none of this means that i am never ever happy, because occasionally my happiness is so genuine it's frightening, however, i'm saying that a lot of the time i have to fake the confidence necessary for social interaction, i have to pretend to be something greater than myself to convince other people that i am just that. the only person that sees me in all my glory, all my moments of empowerment and creativity and self-love and invincible womanhood is my bathroom mirror. i make some terrible faces into that thing, and it sees me in my most unflattering light, but for as unattractive as i may be at least its real. and maybe that is why my bathroom is such an intensely private place for me, its just me and the mirror and nothing else. if you ever have any doubts as to how i feel about a subject or a person or a series of events it's all in the eyes. you can't fake your eyeballs. i would love to walk down the street making eye contact and actually meaning it. i know i'm not the only faker out there. i can tell another faker from a mile away the hilarious part is when they have blurred the line between self and lie so much that they don't know where they stop and the lie starts. a good faker always keeps their wits about them. we are such a group of liars. oh, that makes me smile. you have me. wow, that took me back. anyway. god damn i need to stop wandering off like that. i'm getting my hair done tomorrow, it's going to be teal with blue streaks. i'm not going to wash my hair very often in hopes of keeping the color bright for a while. an experiment in hygiene. the whole school situation has me all kinds of confused, so i'm keeping my mouth shut until i actually hand my money over to someone. i can't wait to go back to school, this whole being at home all the time thing is kicking my ass. i get so bored so easy. i'm going to hell, i know it. the world's best sinner, swear to god. wow, that song just made the hairs on my arms stand up. why do people do that? and by that i mean romanticize genuinely traumatic things about life. i always think to myself, "if i had done this differently, or if i had said this instead of that, or if i could have controlled myself better this never would have happened," or whatever my excuse for the moment is but the moral of the story is that no matter what i did at the time or what i could have done differently i would still have gotten knocked on my ass. and i guess i came out of it all alright because i'm still here, if it had turned out differently it could have ended up a lot worse. but in my head i always think it would have gotten better by default. and then in the midst of the happy music is that one song with just enough sadness in it to bring you back down to earth. and part of me regrets that i didn't have you to share it with, but there are other parts that would have been genuinely embarrassed because it was a very humiliating part of my life to share with anyone. and you always seemed to think that i was better than that. but you were only committed once, i went for the double bonus round. but you understand. i'm torturing myself tonight, i shouldn't be listening to this shit, makes me feel guilty a bit. but at the same time its unusually cathartic. pent up and whatnot. never going to get over it. thats a lesson for the kids, don't turn out like me. do the opposite of everything i have done, be happier. i could be feeling better right now, it would be easier. its a dark tunnel and i'm morbidly obsessed with how deep it goes. a little fucked up ain't it? my head is floating, another strange thing i can't explain. they say that time takes the sting out of most things but what happens when you repeat the same mistake a million times, by the time you are about to get over it, you bring it back, relive it over and over. never felt like that. i'm about to catch fire, i can feel it. you wouldn't recognize me, i'm not what you remember. i've seen what is at this time the worst of me. in a way i'm lucky to have gotten it out of the way so early i would hate to be broken down like that at forty. what is bad for me now is probably small compared to what would be bad for me in the future. the more opportunities you have to build yourself up the further you can fall, tricky tricky. it's a glass half full bullshit thing. i've put all this work into this and you probably will never see it. oh well, it is good for me, it doesn't have to be good for you. the real question the reader is asking at this point is, "who the hell is this crazy bitch talking to?" no one. i'm not talking to anyone, not anyone real anyhow. but i guess if you can identify with it at all it's meant for you. mostly it's just meant for me and my static little mind. which is pounding right now, this is what happens when i think. if this fictional person were to remember me in any way i would hope that it was flattering. no one wants to be remembered in a bad light. but i was ready, that's what happens when you set yourself up to fail. no one is ever ready to hit the ground face first. seem so far.

banditos refreshments
the tension and the terror straylight run
36-24-36 violent femmes
aside the weakerthans
say it aint so weezer
undone (the sweater song) weezer
common people william shatner
doesnt remind me audioslave
creatures (for a while) 311
wasted and ready ben kweller
dammit blink-182
if you see her, say hello bob dylan
everything is alright motion city soundtrack
grand theft autumn fall out boy
monkey wrench foo fighters
brain stew green day
celebrity skin hole
im alive - jackson browne