psychobeastxxx

::sigh:: ever hit a point where if you stop moving you just shut down? well, not so much shut down as break down? I think I'm nearing that point, it happened to me once, when I was 20, I had an emotional breakdown, I felt overwhelmed, and there wasn't anywhere near as much going on as there is now, well, at least, all that other stuff before was mostly insignificant. I mean, back then I let myself collapse mainly because of a girl. They put me on some meds back then, and I didn't like them, they kept me from killing myself, but they made me act like an asshole. I didn't care about anyone's feelings, so I had just fallen into the bad part of being a manager, since I'd recently been made one, but hadn't been an asshole before the pills, but once I got on them I started bossing people around instead of asking, I was telling. Well, anyway, this time meds are extremely out of the question. Plus, this time it goes alot deeper than being dumped by a girl who'd cheated on me, this is, I dunno. Let me just say some back story, back in november my Tia Hilda had a siezure(not sure if I spelled this right) and had to be taken to the hospital. when we got to the hospital, and they tested her, they told us she had tumors, and they had to go in and opperate on one, and they'd be able to tell us if it was malignant or benign. Well, it turned out to be benign, and they told us she had cancer. So fast forward about a month and a few days after the surgery, and she starts chemo, well chemo didn't work, so they started on radiation while continuing the chemo. That barely helped a tiny bit. More recently a dr told her that she has between 7-9 months based on the info he's seen. My aunt, she's more like my mom, since she moved in with us when I was 2 months old, and has been taking care of me since then till I was out of highschool, because my mom was always working, and I dunno, it's hard to even think of losing a parent, because, despite her not being the one who gave birth to me, she's been there like my mom.... and, I feel like, no matter what I do, it's never enough, it's just not. and, I feel quilty when I start thinking about myself, that I don't have a gf, or even any friends that are available enough for me to talk to them whenever... most of my friends now have stuff in their lives which is more important, I don't mean this in a cynical way, I mean a bunch of my friends have had kids and have jobs that have much different schedules than I do. I hate this feeling, I know I'm not alone, but I feel that way, so very alone... I don't know, I'm odd