Happy Valentine's Day, guys!
There's a picture from a possible set I shot in my favorite little piece of lingerie with my friend dave. I'm not sure whether I want to use the pictures from it for a set or not. They're not edited yet.
I'm a bit sad this V-day because both me and my boyfriend have work. I'm cocktailing at the club all night and he's working all day.
Anywho, I have some things going through my head right now. I want to talk about some of my insecurities so that I can get them out there and start getting over them. I also kind of want to air things out for myself before my set comes out! It also feels kinda weird, I don't want to sit here and pretend to be confident when actually I'm thinking about all of these things.
So one of my biggest insecurities actually isn't physical at all. It's my social anxiety. Social anxiety is becoming a bit cliche in this increasingly impersonal world but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. There are a lot of things that contribute or have contributed to it, which I'll get into at another time.
It gets pretty bad, though. It makes me feel like such a goddamn weirdo sometimes, which of course turns me into a goddamn weirdo because now I'm acting awkward because I'm worried about acting awkward.
Sometimes I'll catch myself beginning to go down that path, though, and I'll ask myself, "well what if I just stop", just stop with the overanalyzing, with the fucking putting myself down bullshit, with the lowering my expectations and with the worrying about not being able to do anything right. I'll catch myself starting to do all of these things and then I'll sort of laugh at myself and tell myself that everything is perfectly fine and to relax and be normal, which actually does work sometimes. This anxiety makes me very stiff sometimes, though. It makes me stiff to the point of my no longer having full muscle movement in the right side of my face from it always being hidden behind my hair and from just being tense.
Other than my general awkward/nerdiness I'm pretty confident in my personality and in who I am as a person. I recognize that I'm still growing and evolving so I keep a very open mind. So, that leaves just the little things that don't feel so little when you're naked on the internet for everyone to peek at. Well, I've got extremely bad posture so in some of my photos it makes me look like I'm not comfortable, which may be true because of my anxiety but that's something I'm working on. I don't like how skinny I am. It makes me feel like I look like I'm either 10 years old or a pre-teen boy or like I'm sick. I don't like my skin tone. I don't like my skin. I don't like my butt, I wish it were rounder. I don't like how far apart my boobs are or how the bones sort of show. Lastly, possibly my biggest physical insecurity, I don't like the fact that I have an "outie" vagina. It gets in the way, honestly. lol.
I do love my dreads, the shape of my eyes, my ribs/tummy/hip bones area, my collar bones, my strength, my intuition, my openness, my empathicness, my intelligence, and my curiosity. :)
I also do love the fact that I am imperfect, it makes me human. I have some yin and some yang. And in the real scheme of the universe, there is no perfect or imperfect, there just is.
