The Story Of Prudence, and the Real Reason She Wanted To Leave The Site, But Decided Not To...
it all goes back to the fact that i've always been hopelessly insecure, with a painfully poor body image, which has gotten much, much worse recently. i've always thought i was ugly and gross, no matter what my body actually looked like. after i had a baby, i became somewhat less concerned with my appearance, despite the fact that i'd gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy. then, early this year, i developed a medical condition which affected my appearance drastically, and has left me pretty much devastated. a few of you already know about it, b/c i've decided to share this part of myself with you, perhaps a few of you know b/c a certain person who used to be a member here has a big fucking mouth (yeah, i'm talking to you, you little weasel drama queen). anyway, i've decided to come out with it here, to avoid further speculation about my original decision to leave the site.
i developed an auto-immune condition called alopecia, which basically means that my body became 'allergic' to my hair. in the majority of people who have it (neve campbell is one of them), they'll just have a mild case where they'll get a couple of small bald patches now and again which grow back. in the most extreme form, alopecia universalis, all of the hair falls out. the head, eyebrows, eyelashes, body hair, nose hair, and cilia in the lungs. also, in the more extreme form, the hair is unlikely to grow back. that's what i have. my hair started falling out in february, and it kept falling out until there was nothing left, and it won't ever grow back. there is no cure for this. as a female, this was especially hard for me. my husband has been absolutely wonderful about it, he truly loves me no matter what...but, it's still really hard knowing that you're no longer attractive by 'conventional' standards. that's why, whenever someone on the site tells me i'm pretty or sexy, i start feeling really uncomfortable and thinking, or saying, that they wouldn't think so if they knew me in real life (that picture of me is current...it's not so obvious when i do myself up right).
so, anyway, b/c of that i've been way more self-conscious than even I normally am. when i first joined this site, i loved the concept of it, and the type of girls that were shown on this site. then, i started feeling bad b/c all the girls were so young and beautiful and naked, and here i was looking like an alien. i started comparing myself to them, which is bad in any situation. i started to wonder if maybe this wasn't the best site for me to be a part of, at this time in my life, with me going through what i am. so, i talked to someone who i thought was a friend, and he convinced me that SG was a bad place for me. so, i canceled my account. that was the original reason why i wanted to leave.
after that, i started receiving disturbing posts in my journal (from someone unrelated to this), which freaked me out a little at first, so i became annonymous for a while, then, a couple of people here convinced me that i shouldn't worry about it, so i became public again. so, you can say that one of the reasons i'm staying is BECAUSE of the threats in my journal, since my actual decision to leave had nothing to do with it.
so...then i was public for a while, but still planning on leaving at the end of september...then, the former friend who had convinced me to leave and i had a falling out, and i was able to realize that the only time i felt really bad about myself, in comparison to the other girls here, was when i was talking to him. he also seemed to want me to leave a little TOO much, so i decided to stay to piss him off. this person has since left the site, and i've since reactivated my membership here indefinitely. i will not be bullied into leaving by anyone.
so, that's the whole story. it's all the truth. and, now you know everything about me, and that i'm not perfect, and now i feel completely scared and vulnerable and am convinced that none of you will think i'm pretty anymore.
poor me. boofuckinghoo.
edit: just call me Nancy Kerrigan, just as some others now are. I may get hit in the knee with a lead pipe, but in the end i'll still win a medal and "Tonya Harding" will still be the poor, white trash that everyone laughs at, who gets thrown in jail for throwing hub caps at her boyfriend.
it all goes back to the fact that i've always been hopelessly insecure, with a painfully poor body image, which has gotten much, much worse recently. i've always thought i was ugly and gross, no matter what my body actually looked like. after i had a baby, i became somewhat less concerned with my appearance, despite the fact that i'd gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy. then, early this year, i developed a medical condition which affected my appearance drastically, and has left me pretty much devastated. a few of you already know about it, b/c i've decided to share this part of myself with you, perhaps a few of you know b/c a certain person who used to be a member here has a big fucking mouth (yeah, i'm talking to you, you little weasel drama queen). anyway, i've decided to come out with it here, to avoid further speculation about my original decision to leave the site.
i developed an auto-immune condition called alopecia, which basically means that my body became 'allergic' to my hair. in the majority of people who have it (neve campbell is one of them), they'll just have a mild case where they'll get a couple of small bald patches now and again which grow back. in the most extreme form, alopecia universalis, all of the hair falls out. the head, eyebrows, eyelashes, body hair, nose hair, and cilia in the lungs. also, in the more extreme form, the hair is unlikely to grow back. that's what i have. my hair started falling out in february, and it kept falling out until there was nothing left, and it won't ever grow back. there is no cure for this. as a female, this was especially hard for me. my husband has been absolutely wonderful about it, he truly loves me no matter what...but, it's still really hard knowing that you're no longer attractive by 'conventional' standards. that's why, whenever someone on the site tells me i'm pretty or sexy, i start feeling really uncomfortable and thinking, or saying, that they wouldn't think so if they knew me in real life (that picture of me is current...it's not so obvious when i do myself up right).
so, anyway, b/c of that i've been way more self-conscious than even I normally am. when i first joined this site, i loved the concept of it, and the type of girls that were shown on this site. then, i started feeling bad b/c all the girls were so young and beautiful and naked, and here i was looking like an alien. i started comparing myself to them, which is bad in any situation. i started to wonder if maybe this wasn't the best site for me to be a part of, at this time in my life, with me going through what i am. so, i talked to someone who i thought was a friend, and he convinced me that SG was a bad place for me. so, i canceled my account. that was the original reason why i wanted to leave.
after that, i started receiving disturbing posts in my journal (from someone unrelated to this), which freaked me out a little at first, so i became annonymous for a while, then, a couple of people here convinced me that i shouldn't worry about it, so i became public again. so, you can say that one of the reasons i'm staying is BECAUSE of the threats in my journal, since my actual decision to leave had nothing to do with it.
so...then i was public for a while, but still planning on leaving at the end of september...then, the former friend who had convinced me to leave and i had a falling out, and i was able to realize that the only time i felt really bad about myself, in comparison to the other girls here, was when i was talking to him. he also seemed to want me to leave a little TOO much, so i decided to stay to piss him off. this person has since left the site, and i've since reactivated my membership here indefinitely. i will not be bullied into leaving by anyone.
so, that's the whole story. it's all the truth. and, now you know everything about me, and that i'm not perfect, and now i feel completely scared and vulnerable and am convinced that none of you will think i'm pretty anymore.
poor me. boofuckinghoo.
edit: just call me Nancy Kerrigan, just as some others now are. I may get hit in the knee with a lead pipe, but in the end i'll still win a medal and "Tonya Harding" will still be the poor, white trash that everyone laughs at, who gets thrown in jail for throwing hub caps at her boyfriend.
VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
Sorry we didn't get to meet. I just read that you went out Sat. night. I didn't read the boards while I was in SF. I doubt I would have been able to make it to Oakland anyway as I was with a bunch of tired people (including myself). Next time though.
I'm amazed by your openness in your journal and I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to reveal this to us all. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said by others, but I'm really glad you stayed too!!