Jealousy.
I find myself more days than not screaming to the gods, 'why not me? this isn't fucking fair!'
i've recently become aware of my issues with jealousy, and about how much i detest the people who somehow achieve the goals i set out for, unless of course i'm close to those people, then i'm proud of them, but still i beg 'why not me?'
i've got a roommate who has the tendency to treat girls as throw away items (mainly because he has a deep down fear or being alone) and the girls just keep running back to him, i've got peers who seem to be able to find and achieve all of the goals that i someday want to achieve, i've got adversaries who somehow are able to take away the most important things of my life.
it's easy for me to sit back and express that this is the whim of the universe when i'm happy about the outcome, but when i'm not... well... of course i become frustrated.
i suppose the idea is like the phrase is said, 'Get back on the horse.' Don't let these things impede my ambition or my drive. Don't let these insignificant things stand in the way of my plan, because in the end, if i'm able to sidestep these events, they will surely be nothing more than insignificant.
Sometimes i also wonder if maybe i'd somehow let my standards slip a little, maybe i could find happiness. For instance, maybe if i actually bit the bullet and started drinking, maybe it wouldnt be so bad, maybe i'd be more fun to hangout with, maybe i'd be noticed more. maybe if i actually dated someone who i think is a nice person and didnt base my attraction on physical attributes, maybe something in me would grow past the surface level of beauty. maybe if i would actually get INTO the groooooove someone would dance with me.
hahah.
let's face it. as much as most of my friends love me, i'm a pretty selfish bastard (or so my mother says). i'm not going to drink because i'm far too stubborn, i'm not going to date anyone i dont find physically attractive because, well, lets face it, why would you date someone you didnt want to have sex with? i'm not going to dance because i'm not comfortable with the idea of being put 'on display' (which is strange because so much of my personality is always screaming 'LOOK AT MEEEEEE').
why am i jealous?
because i have some sort of deep seated sense of entitlement. i feel that i've gone through enough shit to be rewarded for it.
Why am i not worth full time status at work?
(because there is a constant perception that all i do is fuck around when i'm not in the middle of a big project, not to mention i'm still a student, which is the excuse)
Why am i single?
(because all i ever seem to do is sit at home and whine about being single, or when i DO go out, i find myself blending in with the wallpaper and i dont mix well because i dont feel like i have anything in common with anyone else)
In all seriousness, i'm in a pretty good spot in life right now. i've got a decent job, i've got a comfortable living arrangement (even though i want to kill my roommate on a daily basis), i'm doing well in school and my senior project promises to be something really fun for me (it's a year and a half away, but i'm starting on it right now), i've got some really great friends. i dont want for much of anything.
tonight i have insomnia, and i was woken up when my roommate came in from work and started banging shit around, as usual. i've got to be at work in three hours, so i might as well just stay up at this rate.
Another pointless blog.
woo.
-Wm.
I find myself more days than not screaming to the gods, 'why not me? this isn't fucking fair!'
i've recently become aware of my issues with jealousy, and about how much i detest the people who somehow achieve the goals i set out for, unless of course i'm close to those people, then i'm proud of them, but still i beg 'why not me?'
i've got a roommate who has the tendency to treat girls as throw away items (mainly because he has a deep down fear or being alone) and the girls just keep running back to him, i've got peers who seem to be able to find and achieve all of the goals that i someday want to achieve, i've got adversaries who somehow are able to take away the most important things of my life.
it's easy for me to sit back and express that this is the whim of the universe when i'm happy about the outcome, but when i'm not... well... of course i become frustrated.
i suppose the idea is like the phrase is said, 'Get back on the horse.' Don't let these things impede my ambition or my drive. Don't let these insignificant things stand in the way of my plan, because in the end, if i'm able to sidestep these events, they will surely be nothing more than insignificant.
Sometimes i also wonder if maybe i'd somehow let my standards slip a little, maybe i could find happiness. For instance, maybe if i actually bit the bullet and started drinking, maybe it wouldnt be so bad, maybe i'd be more fun to hangout with, maybe i'd be noticed more. maybe if i actually dated someone who i think is a nice person and didnt base my attraction on physical attributes, maybe something in me would grow past the surface level of beauty. maybe if i would actually get INTO the groooooove someone would dance with me.
hahah.
let's face it. as much as most of my friends love me, i'm a pretty selfish bastard (or so my mother says). i'm not going to drink because i'm far too stubborn, i'm not going to date anyone i dont find physically attractive because, well, lets face it, why would you date someone you didnt want to have sex with? i'm not going to dance because i'm not comfortable with the idea of being put 'on display' (which is strange because so much of my personality is always screaming 'LOOK AT MEEEEEE').
why am i jealous?
because i have some sort of deep seated sense of entitlement. i feel that i've gone through enough shit to be rewarded for it.
Why am i not worth full time status at work?
(because there is a constant perception that all i do is fuck around when i'm not in the middle of a big project, not to mention i'm still a student, which is the excuse)
Why am i single?
(because all i ever seem to do is sit at home and whine about being single, or when i DO go out, i find myself blending in with the wallpaper and i dont mix well because i dont feel like i have anything in common with anyone else)
In all seriousness, i'm in a pretty good spot in life right now. i've got a decent job, i've got a comfortable living arrangement (even though i want to kill my roommate on a daily basis), i'm doing well in school and my senior project promises to be something really fun for me (it's a year and a half away, but i'm starting on it right now), i've got some really great friends. i dont want for much of anything.
tonight i have insomnia, and i was woken up when my roommate came in from work and started banging shit around, as usual. i've got to be at work in three hours, so i might as well just stay up at this rate.
Another pointless blog.
woo.
-Wm.
I bought a lot of dance stuff there and it was really less expensive than a ballet shop you know ^^