Painfully Obvious.
So, the time has come that i realize that even though i'm brilliant, even though i feel that i possess most if not all of the qualities that anyone would want in a person, friend, partner, mate, or whatnot, i'm doomed.
now, some may say that the throne is a cold and lonely seat, and i suppose i must agree. and maybe it's because i can so clearly see the differences between myself and everyone else that i'm so cursed. i do not believe anything is going to change for me. i do not believe that anyone is ever going to find me or desire me, or understand why i am how i am, or feel how i feel or act how i act, or even who i really am.
today a close friend came by and we recorded some tracks of a song he's had in his head for a few years, and it's starting to kindle my creativity again... and i was able ot listen to the five or so songs i've been developing for the last few years (mind you, when you're as busy as i am, and as scatter brained and preoccupied as i am, briliance come slowly), and really, they're all quite good. maybe they're not terribly industrial or possess the term 'core' anywhere in their titles or descriptions, and maybe they arent even that dancey, but from the level of training i've received, they're quite good.
i've been also designing details for clothing that i've got in my head... for once putting it all on paper. honestly, for the last two months, i've been less that inspired to work on any of it, mainly because i've been out of my productive head space.
i've also decided that next year i shall start traveling again. London in March, Burningman Festival in August, perhaps somewhere else between, once school is out.
Now, comes the rub.
Here's a little of the insecurity i feel. if it werent for me being able to say these things about myself, and i do believe them, i doubt anyone else would, minus a select few. i'm terribly lonely and i suppose that happens when you've locked yourself away in your 'ivory tower', but really... the people who've meant the most to me since i began this stage of my life... well... i mean less and less to them. i've done my damnedest to maintain and nurture certain friendships, but i find that most at fleeting at best. the relationships i've been apart of... well... once i show these parts of myself where i'm insecure at all, they seem to leave, as if by being human i've somehow lied to them about who i really am. so i have to ask, is it that? does everything on the surface show to be so fantastic and so surreal, that once i show that there's something more real underneath, it causes those people to tuck tail and run? i guess i'm trying to analyze all of this... looking for a why... looking for a way to change my luck as of late.
Funny... i always describe myself as 'awake and aware, but blind and brooding', ad i suppose i now understand what that all means, because i feel it right now. i fee like i can see everything through the technicolor dream that is my minds eye, but all i can do is shut it out and dull the noise and wish that my life was different.
i met a girl some year or two ago, who i attend university with, and our friendship became something simple earlier this year... and i rather enjoyed spending time with her and in my head i fancied the notion of dating her, though i was taken at the time, and i dont know if it was just a fading attraction, but said friendship slowly faded away over the months, and now... well... i havent spoken to the person in months, though i have extended my hand for coffee and whatnot. am i not flashy enough? am i not intense enough? am i not 'epic' enough?
these are my thoughts at almost 4am on a Saturday morning... while i lay here with insomnia, staring at the ceiling in a bed that's far too cold for once person. i hear the distinct sounds of the upstairs neighbor slamming their body into whomever, while my roommate watches another three hour plus film in the other room. he doesnt know i'm awake... no one knows. and i realize that it's been years since i've actually felt like i've been loved or even honestly cared for. i've been abandoned on more than a few occassions, tossed back by those who want something bigger, better, harder, faster. i dont dare say most of these words aloud. i hide many of them, i bottle them up and wear a smile as if i'm ok, as if there's nothing wrong.
So, the time has come that i realize that even though i'm brilliant, even though i feel that i possess most if not all of the qualities that anyone would want in a person, friend, partner, mate, or whatnot, i'm doomed.
now, some may say that the throne is a cold and lonely seat, and i suppose i must agree. and maybe it's because i can so clearly see the differences between myself and everyone else that i'm so cursed. i do not believe anything is going to change for me. i do not believe that anyone is ever going to find me or desire me, or understand why i am how i am, or feel how i feel or act how i act, or even who i really am.
today a close friend came by and we recorded some tracks of a song he's had in his head for a few years, and it's starting to kindle my creativity again... and i was able ot listen to the five or so songs i've been developing for the last few years (mind you, when you're as busy as i am, and as scatter brained and preoccupied as i am, briliance come slowly), and really, they're all quite good. maybe they're not terribly industrial or possess the term 'core' anywhere in their titles or descriptions, and maybe they arent even that dancey, but from the level of training i've received, they're quite good.
i've been also designing details for clothing that i've got in my head... for once putting it all on paper. honestly, for the last two months, i've been less that inspired to work on any of it, mainly because i've been out of my productive head space.
i've also decided that next year i shall start traveling again. London in March, Burningman Festival in August, perhaps somewhere else between, once school is out.
Now, comes the rub.
Here's a little of the insecurity i feel. if it werent for me being able to say these things about myself, and i do believe them, i doubt anyone else would, minus a select few. i'm terribly lonely and i suppose that happens when you've locked yourself away in your 'ivory tower', but really... the people who've meant the most to me since i began this stage of my life... well... i mean less and less to them. i've done my damnedest to maintain and nurture certain friendships, but i find that most at fleeting at best. the relationships i've been apart of... well... once i show these parts of myself where i'm insecure at all, they seem to leave, as if by being human i've somehow lied to them about who i really am. so i have to ask, is it that? does everything on the surface show to be so fantastic and so surreal, that once i show that there's something more real underneath, it causes those people to tuck tail and run? i guess i'm trying to analyze all of this... looking for a why... looking for a way to change my luck as of late.
Funny... i always describe myself as 'awake and aware, but blind and brooding', ad i suppose i now understand what that all means, because i feel it right now. i fee like i can see everything through the technicolor dream that is my minds eye, but all i can do is shut it out and dull the noise and wish that my life was different.
i met a girl some year or two ago, who i attend university with, and our friendship became something simple earlier this year... and i rather enjoyed spending time with her and in my head i fancied the notion of dating her, though i was taken at the time, and i dont know if it was just a fading attraction, but said friendship slowly faded away over the months, and now... well... i havent spoken to the person in months, though i have extended my hand for coffee and whatnot. am i not flashy enough? am i not intense enough? am i not 'epic' enough?
these are my thoughts at almost 4am on a Saturday morning... while i lay here with insomnia, staring at the ceiling in a bed that's far too cold for once person. i hear the distinct sounds of the upstairs neighbor slamming their body into whomever, while my roommate watches another three hour plus film in the other room. he doesnt know i'm awake... no one knows. and i realize that it's been years since i've actually felt like i've been loved or even honestly cared for. i've been abandoned on more than a few occassions, tossed back by those who want something bigger, better, harder, faster. i dont dare say most of these words aloud. i hide many of them, i bottle them up and wear a smile as if i'm ok, as if there's nothing wrong.
kittenroo:
...you should come over